Monday, April 2, 2012

No more baby showers- yes i love kids!

Last weekend I made an exception for a sweet sweet friend and attended her baby shower.  Recently, I made it a rule in my very own rulebook that I am not to go to any baby shower at all- ever.  Please understand that it’s what I had to do for my own feelings. I was never able to have children. I don’t mention that fact often (or never on this blog until now).  I had many bad plumbing issues to start with then I had sealed the deal a few years ago when I had the procedure :endometrial ablation.  Did I want children of my own? Of course I did.  It was also very difficult to meet a man in my younger child-bearing days to explain that I could never have his child. At many times, those men would walk away and I didn’t blame them.  I was fortunate in my last relationship that he was ok with or without kids and it was nice for me to not have that pressure. 
When I go to a baby shower I feel like a fish out of water among all the women there. Always!!  I have no special tips, cravings, favorite diapers, breast feeding skills, etc that I can share like the rest. I have no desire to play all the games on guessing “what’s in the paper bag?” because they are baby stuff of which I’m not familiar with buying  (yep we played that last week and it was a baby on board sign and I guessed a coaster). The only thing good out of shower is the first 5 minutes to see all the cute decorations and the punch. Seriously, why don’t we drink punch more except at showers (baby and wedding)?  I am going start making punch more starting this weekend.
I have no problem at all buying the gifts that the mother-to –be has registered for. I still love shopping all the same even if its baby stuff. I just seem to be getting more sensitive the older I get.  I feel like I’m allowed to have a pity party a couple of times a year when I remind myself that I have no children to take care of me or put me in an old folks home.  I went through one period of my life where I decided I would adopt a child from Mexico, Asia, wherever.  I was really excited about it but GOD had other plans.  I was still not in a relationship at that time and my income was steady but not much to provide all the adoption costs. It was soon in that time frame that I got my new position in my company that requires me to travel A LOT!
When I was just out of high school one of my BFF’s got pregnant that summer. My mom and I both got to be in the delivery room with her when the baby girl  was born. My friend and her baby lived us for a while after they left the hospital.   It was now that baby girl who is now pregnant with a baby girl of her own so I broke my rule and went to her shower.  It was decorated precious and a ton of ideas were taken off Pinterest.  I didn’t take any pictures, sorry.
I will tell you that being a step-parent has been the next part of my dreams of ever being included in a family. I am so blessed to have 2 of the most AMAZING, TERRIFIC step parents a girl could group with!  Both of my parents have both been divorced a couple of times each so I had my share of total step-monsters to deal with. That is why I can say I know within the very depths of my being a woman, I can love someone else’s children like my very own. I know the fine balance between not trying to be their real mom but being the bonus mom to support them at all times. I love my step dad so much and I considers me one of his own. My step mom is the same way. I have a step brother and step sister that I love with all my heart. Who can really define a perfect family? Does it really have to be by blood? I don’t think so.  In my next relationship, I can only pray that this dream of bonus kids will come true.  And I am going back to my rule book and not going to another baby shower again.  Its not personal to you my friends or mothers to be, let’s meet the next day and I will shower you with gifts while at our fave Starbucks.  It may seem selfish but I just don’t want to go into a party and leave sad like I do.  I should really get a dog again. Maybe that would help.

1 comment:

  1. I can't say that I know exactly what your pain feels like, but that I have felt your pain in a period of my life where I thought I'd never bear another child again, miscarriage after miscarriage, baby shower after baby shower, its like my friends and family were spitting them out like hotcakes on a griddle. Though I have conceived again, I do understand and sympathize. You were a brave soul to go to it for her. I commend you! xo

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