I’ve had so much going on in my head right now. My birthday is this week and I’m turning 45. I’ll be officially MIDDLE-AGED! How I feel is how I feel and I understand it may not be big deal in grand scheme of things but these are my feelings. I know I’m getting married in a few months but in my “Plan” , I never would have dreamed I would be getting married for the first and only time at the age of 45. Let me just say that I BELIEVE whole heartedly that I’m in God’s plan. I know I get it. What I tend to do is reflect on my life and assess everything from career , to friends, to family, etc as my birthday approaches.
Here is what hurts me to my soul and I don’t know if I’m ready to accept any changes. I am the Reacher. I have made up these names so let me explain the definition. The Reacher is the friend/family member that does ALL the reaching out to others. I have many “friends” that if I didn’t send text, email, phone call or letter , we would not have any communication. See the hard part is that I’ve done this for so many years that I’ve created this pattern. The part I’m not ready for emotionally is that I have tested this theory over the years and the sad thing is that these people don’t even recognize that I HAVENT reached out. The Receiver’s just get to coast with me doing the work. I’m tired. I would love to think that I am missed and that I’m worth the effort. I genuinely know in my heart that my Receiver’s like me/love me. It’s my fault that I’ve allowed them to be lazy. When I reach out to many of my friends I can hear the sincerity of how glad they are that I called, wrote, etc. That fuels me and makes me glad that I did and so I continue. I take great JOY in sending random cards in the mail or a funny text. Its like getting happy mail every day instead of bills.
I want to be strong and just “dig my feet in the sand” and proclaim that I will NOT make the first call or effort. I don’t want to beg for attention and I would never proclaim my stance outwardly. It would be a silent promise to myself. I understand that LIFE happens and we are all busy. I am crazy busy every day of my life. One thing I DO is that I value my priorities and friends and family are those priorities. How long does it take to scribble something down and put in the mail? I also get that people cant talk during work or other times but a text just saying HI would go so far. I have family that I damn near BEG for them to call me or to send me pictures of their kids, I even offer to pay for anything (postage, long distance calls)- still NOTHING. How do I proclaim my stance when its family and I would be lost without them? It’s a wake up call to realize that in my head I always considered me close with my family but really I must not be.
There is no answer to my feelings and there is no wrong in either role as Reacher or Receiver. I’m just feeling sensitive about this topic and I needed to write out my thoughts. Bonus point for having a blog right?!