Monday, May 13, 2013

Reacher or Receiver? Deep thoughts for today

I’ve had so much going on in my head right now. My birthday is this week and I’m turning 45. I’ll be officially MIDDLE-AGED!  How I feel is how I feel and  I understand it may not be big deal in grand scheme of things but these are my feelings. I know I’m getting married in a few months but in my “Plan” , I never would have dreamed I would be getting married for the first and only time at the age of 45.  Let me just say that I BELIEVE whole heartedly that I’m in God’s plan. I know I get it.  What I tend to do is reflect on my life and assess everything from career , to friends, to family, etc as my birthday approaches.
Here is what hurts me to my soul and I don’t know if I’m ready to accept any changes.  I am the Reacher.  I have made up these names so let me explain the definition. The Reacher is the friend/family member that does ALL the reaching out to others.  I have many “friends” that if I didn’t send text, email, phone call  or letter , we would not have any communication. See the hard part is that I’ve done this for so many years that I’ve created this pattern. The part I’m not ready for emotionally is that I have tested this theory over the years and the sad thing is that these people don’t even recognize that I HAVENT reached out.  The Receiver’s just get to coast with me doing the work. I’m tired. I would love to think that I am missed and that I’m worth the effort. I genuinely know in my heart that my Receiver’s like me/love me. It’s my fault that I’ve allowed them to be lazy.  When I reach out to many of my friends I can hear the sincerity of how glad they are that I called, wrote, etc.  That fuels me and makes me glad that I did and so I continue.  I take great JOY in sending random cards in the mail or a funny text.  Its like getting happy mail every day instead of bills.
I want to be strong and just “dig my feet in the sand” and proclaim that I will NOT make the first call or effort.  I don’t want to beg for attention and I would never proclaim my stance outwardly. It would be a silent promise to myself.  I understand that LIFE happens and we are all busy. I am crazy busy every day of my life.  One thing I DO is that I value my priorities and friends and family are those priorities.  How long does it take to scribble something down and put in the mail?  I also get that people cant talk  during work or other times but a text just saying HI would go so far.  I have family that I damn near BEG for them to call me or to send me pictures of their kids, I even offer to pay for anything (postage, long distance calls)- still NOTHING.  How do I proclaim my stance when its family and I would be lost without them?  It’s a wake up call to realize that in my head I always considered me close with my family but really I must not be.
There is no answer to my feelings and there is no wrong in either role as Reacher or Receiver.  I’m just feeling sensitive about this topic and I needed to write out my thoughts.  Bonus point for having a blog right?!

21 comments:

  1. Hey! Who are you calling middle-aged? 45 is the new 38 - and that's where I'm stopping....

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    1. I'm sorry Lanthie, i mean no disrespect by saying middle-aged.

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  2. It is good to have a place to put your thoughts down. It helps.
    I don't know where I fit in. I'm not a Reacher, but I not a Receiver either. I'm the person you may not hear from until you need me. Then I'm there in a shot and won't leave you until the storm...or party...passes. It's how I'm wired. I don't like to talk on the phone (hard to believe right?), but I'm always available to lend an ear.
    My kids, especially Jenn, are the Reachers. And yes...she gets hurt often when others don't reciprocate or at least acknowledge how much she does for them.
    I could tell you about how I was abandon by my "best" friends during the time of Bella's birth, but that won't ease your feelings, but hopefully will reassure you you're not alone.
    I thought about telling them, but in the end, they don't see themselves that way. People never see their own faults, only those in others.
    So my advice...vent here...or with me. Practice not reaching out although it's hard for a leopard to change it's spots or a good person to hide their heart.
    I for one think you are the cat's meow.
    Much love,
    Deb
    P.S. Did any of this make sense?

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    1. It all makes perfect sense and i appreciate the advice so much. I know that i cant try to "change" the peoples responses around me but it hurts all the same. I know now i just need to vent and let it go. Thank you for this wise input. Much love my friend!

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  3. 'Sending you a hug! ((Holli)) I'm older than you. DANG! -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures

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    1. I'll take that hug. I'm blessed to be 45 and mean no disrespect to those my age or older.

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    2. You are so cool! I don't think you have it in your heart to offend me! It seems like I'm the oldest person in the room more often than I used to be! ;-) DANG! -Marci

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  4. i have friends/family that i am the exact same way with. and even when i say something about it, nothing changes. why is that? why is it so hard for someone to just say hi?!? when i start thinking about it, i get all pissy because it makes me feel like i value the relationship more than the other person.and well, that just makes it burn worse.

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    1. Thats EXACTLY what burns the worse. When i blab how much i love these people and how we're so close when really i am not even a moments thought to them.

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  5. I can relate to this, I am a reacher too, I have to admit I have gotten sick of it at times too and with certain people have decided I no longer wanted that role and friendships have fizzled out, on the other hand I called someone out on it and our relationship has never been better. I hope writing all that out helped you in some way.

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    1. It did help, thank you. It certainly can be liberating to let go of those who were dead ends , it just hurts when its the ones i put a lot of effort and have fond times and memories with. Or with the family members that dont even pick up the phone. I'm venting here and that makes me feel better. Thank you so much for the comment and stopping by my blog.

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  6. Laurie did this, as well, until she just said, the heck with it. If it's no more important to them than to make you do all the work, they ain't worth it.

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    1. I'm hoping i can get Laurie's strength then. I go from being angry to taking it personal like today with hurt feelings. I guess in my head somehow they ARE worth it but deep down really not.

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  7. Hugs to you sweetheart!! You are such a sweet, giving person. Even though I do not "know" you in person, I can tell you are a great person just from reading your blog. I totally get what you are saying about being a "reacher" and how you have created this pattern and people expect that from you. Know this, no matter what you do, be it friends or family, they just do not get it. It does not mean they do not love or care for you, I think they just take you for granted and that is not right. I have some of those exact same people in my life. I would be lying to say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. 45 is young honey, but I get how around your birthday your reflect on your life. I do the exact same thing. Just know this, you have a friend in MN who thinks you are the bees knees!!!

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    1. Jackie, thank you for the sweet supportive words. You're absolutely right- they just dont get it. I cant expect to change them either but it sure hurts my feelings and then i put on my boots and keep dancing until i get tired of it again. Vicious cycle! :) You're the bees knees to this Texan!

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  8. You are so giving in every way. I see it in your posts with family, friends, work and your volunteer activities. Just be sure as the Reacher you aren't reaching too much and not receiving anything from all of your efforts. I would hate to see all of your good intentions go to waste on people who aren't worth your time.

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    1. Thank you sweet girl for your kind words! Its what i do and who i am and i have to remind myself what Mom has said to me. I cant put my expectations and hopes on others. I cant change them to think like i think. I'll learn one day who is worth my efforts.
      xoxo

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  9. Oh I can SO relate to this post. But first off good for you for getting married at 45. It gives me so much hope. I am 36 and single and keep wondering what God's plan is for me. I hope it includes marriage and soon!!!

    In regard to the 'reacher' I so know what that is like. I am too. I had a friend that I lived w/ in college, I was in her wedding, always there for her, etc etc etc. Well many years ago I got a new job and she didn't call. She didn't congratulate. She didn't ask how my first day was. I got tired of reaching out to her and never getting anything back in return. And so I stopped. It made me so so sad and still does. But I guess she just didn't care enough. So I know I'm better off. I just wonder why some people can't give as much as they take!?

    I hope you figure out the best next steps with your friendships. I won't offer advice b/c I'm sure you'll figure out what is best for you. I'll be thinking of you and sending warm wishes for you to feel at peace!!

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  10. Sometimes there's not a good answer when it comes to family. I have had to bite my tongue a lot with many people lately and I don't like it but I always think its just not worth my time. I am better than this and in the grand scheme of things irrelevant. But I understand your frustration. You ate beautiful and worthy. Don't let anyone bring you down. Love you girl!

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  11. 45 is still way young. Middle aged? Nah. I know what you mean about being a Reacher though as I am in that boat! Sometimes it is frustrating.

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  12. I have been where you are right now. You're right about the "no wrong", sometimes things just are what they are.

    You're beautiful at 45 :) and no where near the middle ;)

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