Thursday, August 8, 2013

Can't help how I feel...

I should start with warning, this post may be a bit down and whiny. Maybe it's because I haven't slept well in days/weeks.  I basically take a light nap when I go to bed at night . I toss and turn , have bad dreams , or my eyes are wide open and I just can't go to sleep.  Yes I've tried some of the sleeping aids like the new zzzz medicine by NyQuil buy I feel so groggy in the mornings . 
I get asked daily how I'm doing? What with the wedding in 3 weeks and Dad still in the hospital . My answer right now is the truth. I've been in habit of saying "oh I'm fine". But I'm not fine! I'm exhausted , I'm scared, I'm nervous , I'm aggravated , I'm anxious, I feel like I'm constantly just holding my breath now and I can't relax. 
I feel that if I let my guard down again , the rug will be pulled out from underneath and I will be done. 
I consider myself a true Believer but where is my Faith and Trust? Why can't I take that deep breath and exhale? I am mad at myself that I live in fear now. Why can't I accept that everything will just fall into place and be fine as I've been told a hundred times lately? 
I want complete healing for my Dad, grandma , and mom.  My sweetest Grandma was also in the hospital over the weekend due to a wound in her leg and complications from her diabetes. 
I want the wedding to be here now and to have it behind me. I don't doubt that the night of wedding will be great, but the stress of putting it together as well as the financial burden it's been on Todd and I have become too much . I've had very little JOY with wedding plans because of the fear of Dads health . Will he be able to make it ? Will he get a transplant ? Will he ever leave the hospital? Will he make it to the wedding and will he walk me down the aisle?  As the saying goes - it is what it is . I need to put my big girl panties on and accept that this is the hand I was dealt and it has a purpose somehow. 
I have some wonderful family and friends that have been very supportive and I don't take a second of that for granted. I have many things in life to be grateful for and I'm not completely in full depression. I'm just having one very long continuous rough moment right now. 

19 comments:

  1. Oh, my friend. How I wish I could lighten your load. I don't have any words of wisdom, but know that I care about you and am praying for you. -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Marci! Your prayers are everything and they are working.

      Delete
  2. I'm so happy you let some of these feelings out in a blog post. It's almost cleansing, eh? It's normal to have these feelings. And I wish I had something better to say than "it is what it is," but, unfortunately, that's the truth. What's gonna be, is what's gonna be. Those are things you just can't control.

    That said, this is an extremely exciting time for you and Todd. I know with all the stresses in life, it's hard to see that. But, if you don't find some type of joy in this time, it's going to pass you by. Think of those earing you worked hard to save for, the amazing guest ook your friend made, the beautiful shower you had... you've got to see some light in all of this!

    Know that I'm always wishing and hoping for some light to be shed on you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOu're right - you're right- you're right!! I just have the worst worrier gene in my blood and i hate it. I am very grateful for the many blessings i DO have! Time is flying by and i see a light at the tunnel.

      Delete
  3. I hope everything works out and the time starts passing by more quickly for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Camille, things are working out already. Time is now flying!!

      Delete
  4. I'm gonna need you to go right now and download "Give Me Faith" by Elevation worship. It's everything you're going through and might be of some comfort.
    Love you to the moon and back my sweet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you to the moon and all around and back!

      Delete
  5. The best words of advice I can give you is to try to only worry about the things you can control. Worrying about things you can't control like your Dad's health will only cause you undo stress. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers sweet friend!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stress sucks and the worst part of what i do is worry about the "what ifs"! I hate that about me. I am getting better this week and the wedding is 18 days from today so im seeing a light now in the tunnel. xoxoxo

      Delete
  6. Yep, that's stress. If what JKIR said doesn't work, have your lovely fiancé get you a hammer and something to break. And when you're done, just think of all these things on your mind taking baby steps to resolution. Dad will soon be home, the wedding will be in the books, and Grandma will be out picking up sailors ( or whatever she actually does for entertainment). The you'll be ready for the next catastrophe!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Breaking something with a hammer is a genius idea!! Oh my gosh i need that for sure. Thank you for your pep talk and support. It really helps.

      Delete
  7. Sounds like you need a hug. Try to relax and not let the stress get to you. Before you know it the wedding will be here and your dad will be up and around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never turn down hugs and quite honestly i DID need a hug last week. Dad is home so its looking better daily!

      Delete
  8. Don't let guilt over your feelings be something extra you add to your stress level. Everything you are feeling, every doubt, every worry, all are part of being a caring, loving woman. The heart wants what the heart wants and God knows this. He also knows how dog tired you are and has placed folks in your life to help carry the load. Let them, use them, they can't ease your mind...only God can do that...but they can ease your load if you let them.
    Before I forget to tell you, I know Todd is one of those fortunate folks God has given you. I say fortunate because you are a jewel and how blessed he is to know you will soon be his wife for 100 years. He's got strong shoulders and even though I've never met him, reading and seeing how he takes care of you makes me love him too.
    God bless you sweetheart!
    Deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your sweetest comment.It carried me through the week. I am much happier this week!

      Delete
  9. Hang in there dear friend. Lots a hugs and kisses to you and you are in our thoughts. Just a few more weeks and it will all be behind you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the hugs and kisses! I'm in a better place this week for sure.

      Delete
  10. The best thing you could have done is write about it here. I have found that writing really does help relieve the burden. Planning a wedding is a stressful time in itself for all the happiness...it is stressful. It is a lot of money. You will find that when the day comes and everything falls into place it will have been so worth it to you for the memories you created for years and years to come. To be hit with your Dad's illness at the same time must be overwhelming. Remember that God will never give you more than you can handle. It is understandable you are feeling overwhelmed and tired. Hang in there Holli...there is a reward for you in the end. Love, blessings, and continued prayers for you!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

I LOVE comments!!!!