I get asked daily how I'm doing? What with the wedding in 3 weeks and Dad still in the hospital . My answer right now is the truth. I've been in habit of saying "oh I'm fine". But I'm not fine! I'm exhausted , I'm scared, I'm nervous , I'm aggravated , I'm anxious, I feel like I'm constantly just holding my breath now and I can't relax.
I feel that if I let my guard down again , the rug will be pulled out from underneath and I will be done.
I consider myself a true Believer but where is my Faith and Trust? Why can't I take that deep breath and exhale? I am mad at myself that I live in fear now. Why can't I accept that everything will just fall into place and be fine as I've been told a hundred times lately?
I want complete healing for my Dad, grandma , and mom. My sweetest Grandma was also in the hospital over the weekend due to a wound in her leg and complications from her diabetes.
I want the wedding to be here now and to have it behind me. I don't doubt that the night of wedding will be great, but the stress of putting it together as well as the financial burden it's been on Todd and I have become too much . I've had very little JOY with wedding plans because of the fear of Dads health . Will he be able to make it ? Will he get a transplant ? Will he ever leave the hospital? Will he make it to the wedding and will he walk me down the aisle? As the saying goes - it is what it is . I need to put my big girl panties on and accept that this is the hand I was dealt and it has a purpose somehow.
I have some wonderful family and friends that have been very supportive and I don't take a second of that for granted. I have many things in life to be grateful for and I'm not completely in full depression. I'm just having one very long continuous rough moment right now.