Monday, October 7, 2013

Forgiveness

So last weeks post about the macaroni made me think of another topic :Forgiveness. When I was 13 my world literally got turned upside down. As if being 13 wasnt hard enough on its own. I was a girl who was so happy and had everything to look forward to at that time. We lived in a condo ON the beach in small community beach town of Imperial Beach, California. I went to a Catholic school in the middle of Coronado ( if you’re not familiar with this gorgeous Navy town look it up), and there were only 25 students in our whole grade. As I had mentioned in previous post, Mom had bought all my uniforms and school supplies before we left for out vacation in Texas so that we wouldn’t have to be rushed and scramble when we got back home. Something I also should mention is that we had just moved to Southern California the year before after living in San Jose for 2 years . So I had spent this year being the new girl in town and having to settle in and make friends all over again. When we left Texas to move to California (San Jose) my homeroom class threw me a going away party and all the students in my class made me the cutest cards. Then when we left San Jose to move to Imperial Beach, my class made me a little book that had everyone’s signature, address and sweet things they wrote. I am a pretty sentimental gal and I held onto these cards and notes. I also had a diary with a key that I had received for my birthday that I had been writing in. My grandfather was my greatest hero and I loved him more than anything in the world. Poppy was who I missed the most in Texas and so he gave me a few items that were very special and I was honored to have them. Poppy had a big beautiful Harley and would enter his bike in ALL the bike shows around town. He had several trophies and because he was Choctaw Indian, he decorated his area with a feathered head dress, 2 painted drums and some trophies. He sent all that with me to California so I could think of him. I also babysat and saved every penny to buy a ten speed bike and was so proud of my bike when I finally had enough money to go buy it. Fast forward to the summer vacation of HELL, my stepdad ( “L”) had sent a shipment of about 6 large boxes of items to Mom and the only thing he sent of mine was just a handful of random clothes that he grabbed out of my closet. He didn’t send me my most prized possessions and I was devastated! I had my own bedroom with all my things and I didn’t get one thing that mattered. I was so hurt and more than anything I felt abandoned. “L” had been in my life for 5 years and I also called him Dad. I think because he knew my real Dad was in Dallas , he thought I would be OK. That was it-hands washed of any memories of the step-daughter he once had. Not even a final I love you. My brother was 3 and he had at least sent his little cars and toys. In a 13 year old girl who went from Riches to Rags overnight, I became angry. I had no one to vent to because at the same time it was a stake at the heart to hear Mom crying in the shower everyday. I literally said I HATED “L” for ruining our lives. I knew that I was not to say I HATED anyone but in my heart I had no forgiveness for him. I grew up and I was OK no thanks to “L”. Almost 2 years later, My mom had remarried an amazing man that loved my brother and I as his very own . Some things cant be replaced but it doesn’t take away the memories attached to my stuff. Along the way, I finally realized that my hatred and bitterness towards “L” had to be Let Go. I attended a women’s bible study 12 years ago and you guessed it- Forgiveness was part of that study. I knew in my heart that I held resentment and it was not doing me any good to hold onto it and continue to carry it around any longer. I was embarrassed that I was in my 30’s and still had anger from when I was a kid. Some of us (me ) are a bit slow at things sometime. The truth is that when I said out loud- I No longer hate you “L” AND I forgive you, as cliché as it sounds, I felt the weight lifting off my shoulders and float away. I only wish I could have Forgiven much sooner because I loved the feeling I had and thought how cool it would have been had I not had such burdens. I have had serious relationships, friendships, jobs, etc where I have had my feelings hurt a time or two. I get upset yes but I have forgiveness and I move on. Life is so much better now.



8 comments:

  1. So, so true my dear friend. When we can't forgive it is so much harder on us than he person we are refusing to forgive...we are only punishing ourselves!!! LOVE YOU!

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  2. Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest lesson we learn. Its often hard to let go when we have not let go ourselves. Know that God forgives us day in and day out and He lets us let go. Holding on to whatever pain you have is a sin itself. Let yourself be free from the past and live only for Him and the future.

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  3. I'm so sorry that happened to you sweet Holli, but so glad to know you are able to forgive. I hear it's a wonderful thang. Sadly, I still haven't learned that lesson. I hold a grudge for life.

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  4. Sometimes it is better to forgive and forget and move on, as hard as it is sometimes. Yet, as the poster above I also hold a few grudges that I can't let go of. Yet, they are the type that have driven me to become successful and achieve goals.

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  5. Forgiveness is a tough one. My sister and I don't speak at all. I have run into her a couple of times at the doctor's office but other than that I haven't seen her. While I have let go a lot of my angst towards her and moved on, I can't forget. So I basically don't have a sister and considering the heartache that woman leaves in her wake, it is no great loss. I am better off without the drama that comes with her. I have mentally blocked her out. Sometimes I feel bad that it has to be this way but I know that she will never change. You do have to let it go to move on. I don't wish her ill will, I just don't want any part of her. I can surely understand why you felt the way you did. In your heart of hearts you have to forgive to a certain extent but you don't have to go down that road again and trust again. Which I don't. This post struck a chord with me...and I could write a book. Needless to say, I understand and empathize completely.n ♥

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  6. Forgiveness is hard for me, as I often hold grudges, so I completely understand why you felt the way you did at 13. Even in adulthood, forgiveness is a hard concept to grasp, so I imagine at 13, it's even harder. It says a lot of you as a person, that over time you have been able to forgive.

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  7. I can so relate to this post, especially today. Whew! Bitterness and anger do not sit well in my tummy, or in my soul! Forgiveness is necessary.

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