Monday, November 10, 2014

My pity party for one - its an annual thing

I don't remember what it's like to not feel broken.
This post may seem depressing but it cant be helped. The truth is I've come a long way and I am down to maybe once or twice a year now that I feel this way.  Every so often, I get REALLY sad about the fact that I could never have children.  I had very bad plumbing so to speak and it prevented me to give birth. I have uterine fibroids and have since I was a young teenager.  I also suffered from endometriosis. Its very painful and cumbersome when I was in college and after with the long long long periods. ( Sorry to any men who read today's post).  I finally had enough and in my early thirties, I had a tubal ligation ( tubes snipped and tied).  That helped for a few years but the bleeding continued too strong and so I had to have an endometrial ablation ( a mini hysterectomy).  The decision was a little easier at the time because I was in my mid 30's and was not in a long term relationship with anyone. My parents were very sad when I told them what I was having to go through and that both procedures meant no kids for me, no grandkids for them.
I have always kept myself busy as a working corporate woman. I make excuses that I didn't have time to have kids. I said that I really don't even like kids.  As I am older approaching closer to 50- I am sad. I have no one to pass my wedding gown to and my special things that are meaningful to me. Who would want them?  I don't have someone calling me like I do my mom and my grandmother. 
I am strong. I am content with my 2 sweet dogs.  I do however feel a sting when people say to me " you would have made a great mom" or that " God just had other intentions for you".  I have only attended two baby showers in the last 20 years.  I don't like them. It may sound selfish but I don't really want to see all the new gadgets and clothes for babies and the latest tips on childcare.  I just want to wish you the best of health and pregnancy and I will hold your little ones when they get here.
I've been honest with people and expressed my occasional sadness about having kids and they seem shocked and say " I guess I just thought you didn't want kids".  
The good news is that I have 2 teenage step-kids.  At some point, they will get older, marry and give us grandkids. That will be nice. I have friends that have kids and I love them. They call me Aunt Holli and genuinely like being around me.  I have nieces but they are all out of state  or too young and they don't reach out.  There are tons of babies right now at my church and the moms let me hold them every chance I get.
What prompted this post to begin with is 3 children in 3 separate states and news stories, were killed by their parents this past weekend. This INFURIATES me to no end and sickens me. I have friends and family that are doing everything they can do have a child and we have parents like this. WHY?  I wish I didn't read the stories and details. I process it too much. One child was pushed off a bridge into freezing frigid waters by his own mother. She called the police and confessed shortly after she did it. If the distance of the fall didn't kill, the temperatures would so no chance of survival. Its heartbreaking!! 
Like I said, I usually only get in the baby funk occasionally and tomorrow will be a better day. Just be nice to everyone. You never know what struggles they are fighting inside. 
Have a great Monday and sorry I was so depressing.

reminding myself of thisSome many people suffer in silence, i know i did. Sometimes that quiet person who never talks to anyone really just needs a good friend to talk and cry with. BE THAT FRIEND THEY NEED.


  1. I know what you mean about these idiot "parents". Most are human offscourings who have more than enough trouble just figuring out how to breathe, and you wonder why it is that God stands by and lets them procreate. Sometimes I understand, sometimes I struggle. A hug to you - if you would, have that hubby of yours deliver it for me.

  2. While I can't put myself in your boots totally, I can empathize with the longing. Joey wasn't planned, but Jenn was and I can remember the deep longing I felt to get pregnant. It was all consuming with no reasonable explanation of what I was feeling. At the time, shame on me, but I likened it to being in "heat". I can also remember the feelings when she had to go straight into NICU shortly after she was born due to complications and being told I might never get to hold her. BUT after 7 days, I did and through God's grace we brought her home all 5 lbs. of her.
    I also know what it was like for Jennifer before Bella. She wanted a child so badly, but knew the risks involved...especially for a woman of 34. But God had plans for her and so we were blessed with Bella, but not without tribulation. What I'm trying to say, but doing it poorly, is we have no way of knowing the future or what God's plan are. We can only trust and believe that His plan is perfect...perfect for us.
    As to the why people do what they do, I can only say that there is no answer here on earth for it and when the time comes for us to be able to ask the questions that trouble us, we will have forgot the questions.
    I also believe God is just and kind, but I also believe He is vengeful and there is a special hell for anyone who would harm a child. They are beyond evil.
    The word "mother" is a not just a noun, but a verb as's definition to care and protect. You, my darling rebel child, are the perfect example of what that means. Inside you beats a heart so beautiful, so large, so caring...a mothering heart. God bless you.

  3. I'm just getting over here to read your post. I had no idea. Please disregard my link in my email to you. :/
    As to the female health... It all stinks!
    I hope you find peace in this--
    I did have children despite the health problems-- I do know what it's like to long for children. We didn't get pregnant and have our first until four yrs of marriage and try -try-try. I can't imagine longing for so long.
    That doesn't make you feel better I know-- but it is your testimony.
    Somehow, telling it might help someone else. Never forget that.
    As to the news and the death of children at the hands of their own parents... Evil pure evil.
    I can't understand it. But I know that nothing gets by Him or comes as a surprise-- I just try and trust Him in all things.
    Take care-
    Thank you again for sharing your story.

  4. Obviously I do not know how your feel because I've been able to have children but my heart does ache for you. I do communicate with women each week who have had miscarriages or have buried their children through my For Your Tears Ministry. Their pain is unbearable and never goes away. I know that time does not heal all wounds. I will never understand how a parent can kill their child.

    I want to say that I am so sorry for the suffering you have been through. ((HUGS)) I wish there was a way to take the pain away. I am exited for your future of being a grandmother. That will be a huge blessing for you.

    I do know that I've been wanting to be a grandmother for many years now and I have to be content with God's plans for my life. My sister has 4 grandchildren and has been a grandmother since she was 45 years old. I am now 63. My daughter has had two miscarriages but sadly they were never planned pregnancies and she has no plans on ever being a mother because she is afraid of passing on her mental issues to a child. I am hopeful that my son and his fiance will have a child at some point but I never wanted to be an old grandmother and with my COPD I'm certainly not going to be an active one. And now with them moving to Pittsburgh I'm not sure what to think. I do know that if they have a child I am going to live wherever they live!

    Please know that I care about you and your broken heart and I will be praying for your comfort.


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