Monday, November 10, 2014
My pity party for one - its an annual thing
This post may seem depressing but it cant be helped. The truth is I've come a long way and I am down to maybe once or twice a year now that I feel this way. Every so often, I get REALLY sad about the fact that I could never have children. I had very bad plumbing so to speak and it prevented me to give birth. I have uterine fibroids and have since I was a young teenager. I also suffered from endometriosis. Its very painful and cumbersome when I was in college and after with the long long long periods. ( Sorry to any men who read today's post). I finally had enough and in my early thirties, I had a tubal ligation ( tubes snipped and tied). That helped for a few years but the bleeding continued too strong and so I had to have an endometrial ablation ( a mini hysterectomy). The decision was a little easier at the time because I was in my mid 30's and was not in a long term relationship with anyone. My parents were very sad when I told them what I was having to go through and that both procedures meant no kids for me, no grandkids for them.
I have always kept myself busy as a working corporate woman. I make excuses that I didn't have time to have kids. I said that I really don't even like kids. As I am older approaching closer to 50- I am sad. I have no one to pass my wedding gown to and my special things that are meaningful to me. Who would want them? I don't have someone calling me like I do my mom and my grandmother.
I am strong. I am content with my 2 sweet dogs. I do however feel a sting when people say to me " you would have made a great mom" or that " God just had other intentions for you". I have only attended two baby showers in the last 20 years. I don't like them. It may sound selfish but I don't really want to see all the new gadgets and clothes for babies and the latest tips on childcare. I just want to wish you the best of health and pregnancy and I will hold your little ones when they get here.
I've been honest with people and expressed my occasional sadness about having kids and they seem shocked and say " I guess I just thought you didn't want kids".
The good news is that I have 2 teenage step-kids. At some point, they will get older, marry and give us grandkids. That will be nice. I have friends that have kids and I love them. They call me Aunt Holli and genuinely like being around me. I have nieces but they are all out of state or too young and they don't reach out. There are tons of babies right now at my church and the moms let me hold them every chance I get.
What prompted this post to begin with is 3 children in 3 separate states and news stories, were killed by their parents this past weekend. This INFURIATES me to no end and sickens me. I have friends and family that are doing everything they can do have a child and we have parents like this. WHY? I wish I didn't read the stories and details. I process it too much. One child was pushed off a bridge into freezing frigid waters by his own mother. She called the police and confessed shortly after she did it. If the distance of the fall didn't kill, the temperatures would so no chance of survival. Its heartbreaking!!
Like I said, I usually only get in the baby funk occasionally and tomorrow will be a better day. Just be nice to everyone. You never know what struggles they are fighting inside.
Have a great Monday and sorry I was so depressing.