Sunday, April 12, 2015

K for Kids

I've posted only a few times on my blog about my having kids. Mostly in the fact that I couldn't have any.  I have a few things going against me in the whole baby department.  It's pretty personal but  honestly now at my age- I have nothing to hide.  To start I have endometriosis, uterine fibroids and uterine cysts , PCOS ( polycystic ovary syndrome )and a tipped uterus.  It just wasn't in the cards for me to bear children.  With all I had going against me, I also had to have some permanent procedures a few years back that sealed the deal such a a tubal ligation and a endometrial ablation. Not to overload with details but I had no choice due to the excessive bleeding and abnormal monthly periods. Surgery was my only option to have a piece of normal life.  
Truth is for the most part I am and have always been Ok with these cards that God dealt. I think I always knew even as a teenager that I may not have kids and so I started at a young age pretending I didn't want them.  I was always going to be a business women and have a career first.  I also had a few long term relationships where neither of my boyfriends wanted children.  It wasn't  until I reached my 40's that being childless started to hurt.  I have a few times a year that I have a pity party for myself and have a good ol ugly cry.  I've pretty much excluded attending any baby showers.  What can I add to the conversations?  Understand though- I am truly genuinely delighted and excited for my friends and family.  I've not once asked why them and not me.  I don't have an ounce of anger or sadness when I hear the news of someone else expecting.  Pinky swear!!  
It's the whole deal of not having someone to pass my possessions too and to visit me at the nursing home. I have a wedding dress that I can't hand down. Silly stuff like that is what makes me sad.  I've lived a very full life up until now and not sure what it would have been like if kids were included.  I traveled a lot more with my job a few years ago and I couldn't have done it with kids. 
The good news is that Todd has 2 kids from his first marriage so I became instant stepmom.  They are teenagers and they are great kids! I have 4 nieces and many friends who's kids call me Aunt Holli.  I am blessed with children that love me and that I can love on whenever I want.   

People sometimes pity me or can't understand why I didn't have kids.  It's no ones business.  I wish others would stop and realize that we didn't ask for these decisions that were made for us- we just learn to live them with and accept them an enjoy life no matter what. Mothers Day gets to be a little harder.  I have friends and family that struggle with infertility and that's who i cry for.  They ache for a baby. I didn't marry until 2 years ago and I'm in my late 40's. I'm sure that had I married at a younger age, I would have a different story.  As for me now, I have 2 awesome furry babies that I adore. 
Have a wonderful day!! I'm currently flying to LA today because I'm training classes all week in our Downey, CA office. My best friend from college lives close by and I'm so excited to visit her. Matter of fact , her 3 kids have always called me Aunt Holli.  


  1. Hello, Sweet Holli! Have fun in California! -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures

  2. You are very blessed to have so many children in your life who are close to you. I read a great quote the other day from someone who never had children and she said that just because she was never a biological mother, does not mean she didn't mother plenty of people in her life.

  3. Every Mother's Day, I always send good wishes to my friends who are mothers of human and animal children alike as I have several friends who are dealing with or have dealt with infertility issues and are loving mothers to their fur babies. You are blessed to have stepchildren, nieces and the children of friends in your life. We don't have any control over the hand God deals us, and it is thoughtless of people to make inquiries about such a personal matter. I am asked constantly about why I only had one child and I really don't think it's anyone's business whether it was my choice or a decision that was out of my control. Thank you for sharing, yours is a very touching post.

  4. Can't pretend to know how it feels.... I just praise God I somehow ended up with two healthy kids that have achieved adulthood without incident.

  5. Thanks for your story. I can totally relate to what you said here. Your journey has somewhat been mine. It is hard to deal with but I believe God makes compensations for us. I know that is true in my life. I wish I lived in southern CA instead of the Bay area so I could meet you. Have a wonderful time.

  6. I hope you have a great time here in California and enjoy the time with your college friend. I've been wanting grandchildren ever since my sister had her first one 19 years ago but I also understand that God has a plan for my life and I am okay with that. ((Hugs))

  7. We had similar problems with having kids. Thankfully we had a good doctor and great health coverage and found a solution that worked.

    We now have two great boys.
    And it looks like you have a couple of great kids there anyway.

    Tim Brannan, The Other Side Blog
    2015 A to Z of Vampires


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