Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Too much too soon

Good morning y'all.  I am just going to tell you straight up that i am sad. I have a sadness that i cant seem to shake.  I may need to go to the Dr for depression because i know its not something to mess with.  For many reasons though i struggled with typing that and saying it out loud. I have had so much sadness around me this year .  Have you had a year that you had more deaths that you can remember form any previous year? 2015 has been that year for me.  It all started as yall remember when i lost my stepdad in January. My dear friend lost her mom in February and then lost her husband 2 weeks ago.  We've had yet another big blow.  Last Thursday we got the news that a friend of ours from church died suddenly from heart complications.  He was only 40.  We had just had lunch with him and his mom who also goes to our church 5 weeks ago.  "J" loved music and concerts. We sat for hours talking about concerts and we had such a great time hanging out.  He had heart problems and had recently started having them again after it being under control for a few years.
"J" was also going through a nasty bitter divorce and yall nothing cant be without drama with her.  Ironically, the divorce would have been final this week.  Now she gets everything and she moved into his house , changed the locks and stole his car.  His mom is devastated and they ( mom and son) were super close.  She went to several rock concerts with "J" and they saw each other almost everyday.  My heart just aches for her. She has another son who is a few years older than J and he came to church on Sunday with her. Wow, he looks just like "J".
So one of the many reasons i love my church is that its not too big.  We mostly know everyone and we are a very tight church community.   It was obvious that we all were so stunned and sad about the news when we came to church on Sunday.  Our pastor was out of state for a seminar and we had a guest speaker. Our pastors wife was to introduce him to us and say a few words.  As she started to pray, she broke down and started to cry and talk about "J" and his family.  We all just started crying then but it was good. We needed to address it and stand together and grieve.  I was so proud of her for saying what was on her heart and not go along with what was already scheduled in her speech.  Our pastor is from Louisiana and so was J.  They got together on Sunday's to watch the Saints play.
Tomorrow is his funeral.  One thing i am happy about is that the attire is to wear concert tshirts and no suits allowed.  There will be some good rock music played because his mom told us on Sunday she's picking out the songs.
I have this trait that i dont like about myself and thats my internalizing others pain.  When someone i know has had a loss, i hurt for them and i'm so sad. It affects my mood. I can go along with my day but i have this heaviness on my heart.   2 funerals back to back though is just too much.  I feel like death surrounds me. I never thought of myself as a doom and gloom person.  I put on a smile and act like all is great.  I dont go up to my friends and start talking about sadness.  I keep it all in.  Until today and i figured i might as well write out my feelings. Its my blog and its supposed to be therapeutic to write it down.   I do have my big Holliween party this weekend to look forward to and i am excited to see my friends smiling and laughing. I need that!
There is a cover that has been playing on the radio more recently and its by Shinedown.  They are one of my favorite "new" bands right now.  I've posted a few of their songs here already.  Well they did a cover of Lynyrd Skynrd's song Simple Man.  Yall i  love it so much. I really really like the way its sung.  I should have been more patient and used it for my next Battle of the Bands.  Heck, who's to say i wont .  I just really want yall to hear it if you havent already.  Music gets me through.  Hard rock really helps more when i'm sad.  This isnt exactly hard but its just right.
I'll be back tomorrow for my results of the battle between Celtic Thunder and The Killdares. Please vote today if you havent already done that either.
I'm going to be OK.  I have lots of joyful things to be thankful for and to look forward to.  I just have had more sadness than happiness lately.

21 comments:

  1. Hi, dear Holli! I'm so sorry you're blue, dear friend. When you're down I feel it, too. Life isn't fair. Sometimes it dishes out the heartaches one after another without giving you a chance to recover in between. As you know I recently lost two good friends in the span of one week. It helped you to go to church and grieve with the congregation. I hope you also feel better now that you have expressed your feelings in writing and shared your losses with your friends here in blogland. We care about you, Holli. Thanks for the soulful song by Shinedown.

    God bless!

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    1. Thank you Shady- your comment is so sweet and it helped me a lot today.
      Had you heard this version before of Simple Man? I love it and have listened to it countless times this past week.

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    2. No, sweet friend. I had not heard it before and enjoyed it very much. Music heals. If you love this version then put it to work for you and listen often.

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  2. Oh Holli I am so very sorry for all of your recent losses. I know what you are going through my friend. I lost my Dad 2 years ago, my grandparents died within 40 days of each other last summer, and my Mom died last month. It's been a tough 2 years for me as an only child. My best advice to you is to surround yourself with the people who provide you with the most love and comfort. Humor also gets me through the tough times. Oh, and Xanax and wine!

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    1. I know its been so tough on you too sweet girl. That's part of what I was saying. So many of you that I know have lost this year. Greatly. Xanax and wine is a good remedy.

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  3. Having been through the craziness that is "Doctorland," I'm going to strongly suggest you don't hop on that anti-depressant band wagon. I would add D3 to my vitamin regiment. Maybe 1000-2000IU/day. There is also something called liquid B12 out there, which often includes the other B vitamins. I would also take that daily.

    About a year ago I had this revelation that more people I lived were on The Other Side than this one. Part of that territory simply comes with getting older. At first, I was rather sad about it, but I think all of them are happier there. That makes it easier. Plus, there is the wonderful fact that this place isn't home, and that place is, so I was just lucky to get some imperfect time with them here, but forever there. And that helps me. I don't know if that will help you or not.

    I'm going to continue praying for YOU. You will get through this. You will be able to (one day) reflect back on all these people and just be glad that you knew them.

    As for the sadness, I think it's best to just FEEL it. It's real. It's normal. The people who don't let themselves feel it get punched in the gut later. Maybe the funeral will be a way to celebrate his life rather than mourn his death.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KPu7QhYY_0

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    1. I agree. The funerals have definitely been a celebration and it does help knowing that they're all in a better place than we are. Its not just death but also sickness. My parents have both been in and out of the hospital this year and I haven't mentioned it at all. That gives me great anxiety because they both are so fragile. I am feeling it for sure girlie!! I have no way not to. I really really liked that song. Thank you so much!! I will buy it today from iTunes. I appreciate the prayers and the support. I feel so needy and I am making myself sick of myself. haha!

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  4. About a year ago I had this revelation that more people I LOVED were on The Other Side than this one.

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  5. I can so relate to that feeling of overwhelming sadness. Last year, I experienced a prolonged period of absolute depression and despair that nearly kicked my legs out from under me. It took a long time to get over it but you will. Life works like that.

    You're in a season of mourning for your losses and you're rightly sad. When you lose a loved one part of the nature of loving is the profound sense of loss when they are gone. To me, that's miserable but a testament to their impact on your life. It would be crazy if you weren't sad and just shrugged your shoulders and went on.

    How blessed we are for the times we have our loved ones! How sweet it is that we coud share good times and how merciful it is that we have a storehouse of memories to comfort us.

    This is a favorite (you'll not be surprised): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpwdwbO1uvM

    Love and hugs, sweet friend.

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    1. Garth Brooks is always a good answer. Love this!! I am so so blessed and they are all in so much of a better place than I am. Its just really hard to shake the sadness. I mean sooo many of my friends have lost a loved one this year. My parents and my grandma have had a rough year with their health and that only scares me more.
      Thank you for the hugs. I do take comfort from them for sure.

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  6. (((HUGS)) I can't believe what I am reading. So much sadness.....to much to handle. Sorry to hear about your friends passing. How sad to hear what is happening with "J's", should have been, x wife and then she shows up at church with his brother.....OMG!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and God Bless. Don't be afraid to get some help. Talking with someone who isn't involved, doesn't know the people, can really help sort things out.

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    1. Thanks Debby!! I really should look into a real professional counselor. I see only true benefits for doing so. Thank you for the encouragement and prayers.

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  7. So sorry for all your loss, but it'll get better :) Everyone else said it way more eloquently than I. Hope you have a great day.

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    1. Yes maam it will most definitely get better. I do believe that. I just know that there are certain seasons that last longer than others and this is has been a rough patch lately. Hope your day is a blessed one!

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  8. I'm sorry for all of your losses. It's never easy to deal with loss or depression. I'm hoping that you can feel some happiness soon.

    Simple Man is a great song!

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    1. Isnt it such a great song?! Did you like this version?
      I am looking forward to some happiness soon for sure!! Thank you for your sweet comment.

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  9. You are very blessed with that church. Don't be afraid to lean on them. I get discouraged too- and being older than you, the hits are bound to keep coming faster. You get two choices in this life: bail or deal. If you need counselling, GO GET IT. No matter how much we love you, we can't take the place of someone who can really help you.

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  10. Oh Holli I am so very sorry for your loss. Grief can be so consuming!! I think only you know whether you need to see a doctor or not. I am not in favor of anti-depressants for short term depression but if they will help you then that is your choice. Talk lots about your feelings. My blog and all of my wonderful blog friends have helped me much in my grief. I loved the song!

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  11. You sure have had a tough year, Holli! Always shocking to lose someone so young. My condolences to you and J's family. That wife sounds like a real bitch! :( Hopefully your fellow church-goers will offer support and comfort. Time heals ♥

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  12. So sorry to read about all the passings going on with family and friends. Sending you some hugs across the internet.

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  13. Sorry about your loss. I totally understand about you and depression. I get it too and in Winter it's the worst because of the darkness, which i do not like. This month is always a sad month for me because it's the month my dad died. On the 13th, he's been gone for two years. So it's sad, but I also have a good hope to see him again some day in a paradise condition. So, that helps to not feel so depressed. But death is always sad. And two back to back, no one should have to deal with. It's good to know you have a big support group. That also helps.

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