Monday, November 16, 2015

Turning my head off

You guys, this post is going to be depressing. Just letting you know now.  I had a horrifying weekend and i cant seem to shake it. My mind plays the worst scene over and over and over and i cant turn my head off. I want to be able to delete scenes from my memory like we can delete bad photos from our phone.  My anxiety and stress are off the charts and Todd is calling our insurance today to looking into someone to talk to.  What happened to me? I used to be so incredibly strong. I could handle death and sadness and hard parts of life like a strong ship.  Now i feel like i am weak. I cry at the drop of a hat and i have very little patience around the house and have been short with Todd.

I drove out to Quitman to spend the day with my 88 year old grandma "Nanny". I try to go see her once a month no matter what.  Its a 2 hour drive door to door one way.  It was a beautiful day and we started off going to our favorite tea room and having breakfast.  Our goal was to find her a new rug for her living room.  Nanny loves going to garage sales and we stopped at 3 of them and bought soem fun stuff for both of us.  We stopped to get something to drink and we were heading to a store that she likes to go to. It was changing names and having a new Grand Opening and she had lots of coupons. We love going there together.   The shopping strip was in an L shape and on the opposite corner of the big store (Bealls now Stage), there was a boutique that we had never been into.  We went in and i bought a new t-shirt.  As we walked out, i said i would run to the car and throw my shirt in and meet her at the other store. I knew that i would be quick and would actually go meet her and walk with her.  There was a lady in the parking lot and as i turned around i saw her gasp and point and i turned i saw Nanny laying flat on her stomach on the concrete sidewalk.  Its this next moment that plays in slow motion over and over. I took off running and yelled to a lady to please call 911.  She had just done that as i was yelling.  Nanny is on blood thinners. This means there is enormous amounts of blood that you cant imagine.  Her nose was bleeding very fast and heavy and her mouth and her cheek was bleeding.  It was pooling in her mouth and under her in puddles. I couldnt tell if the injuries were internal. There was so much blood.  We told her to lay still and let the paramedics move her.  She was not unconscious but she was in shock. She could talk to me but barely.
A young man kept staring and i yelled at him to get me a towel.  Its funny now because he said Yes thats what i was going to do but he was motionless.  I was shaking all over. My mouth was shaking and my hands were shaking. I was doing the silent cry where my body was just shaking violently but not a sound out of my mouth.  Another lady had come to sit on ground with us.  She saw me crying and she put up her hand and said firmly- calm down ! Jesus has this!   (You gotta love small town Texas).  What seemed like forever the ambulance finally showed up.  The call to 911 was painful. They asked what seems like 100 questions. I know they were doing their job but its like they werent listening to us.  They told us to pinch the bridge of her nose to keep it from bleeding. Thats exactly where her glasses tore a chunk off her nose. I shook my head and mouthed to the lady holding the phone- I'm not going to do that!  The lady agreed and we told 911 yep we're doing it.  The paramedics turned her over and helped her sit up. Then they stood her up and belted her onto the stretcher bed. It was when they belted her that i lost it.  The rags and towels laid on the sidewalk soaked in blood.  The 2 ladies grabbed me and they started praying.  I heard some of the prayers but i didnt take my eyes off Nanny for one second.  The ladies were angels and i am so appreciative of them staying with me and praying with me and using their phone to 911.   As the ambulance closed the doors, the one lady said she will continue praying for us and she said i'm so glad she's going to be OK and her voice broke. She was strong for me but i think she was also holding her breath too and was so worried.  I dont know if i thanked her. I hope i did.   I followed the ambulance to the hospital and called Todd.  I was hysterical.  I just had to talk to someone. He offered to come and get me because he was worried about me driving.  I was OK running on adrenaline.
The hospital took Xrays and a Cat scan and they saw nothing broken.  She had bit through her lip in 2 places, tore her nose and her cheek.  Her palms were bruised and she had a tear on top of her hand. They bandaged her up and released her a few hours later. I took her home but she said her arms and hands hurt very very bad.  They hurt to the touch when i reached to hold her hand.  I got her home and called my uncle who lived nearby.  He is Nanny's guardian and protector. She moved out there to be closer to him ( he's the favorite-lol).  She could tell that her dentures on the top were split in half. Sure enough they came out in 2 places. He bought some super glue and had them fixed within an hour.  Enough to hold her until she could get new ones.  I finally left once Uncle James was there. She wouldnt let me spend the night and she wouldnt go home with him. She just wanted to sit in her recliner and rest.
I had nightmares all night and yesterday morning at 6:30 i replayed the image of Nanny laying face down in blood and i sobbed uncontrollably.  I skipped church because my eyes were swollen almost shut and i was still crying.  Then my mom called to tell me that Nanny was in so much pain she called Uncle James and said i need to go back to the hospital.  Yall- she NEVER willingly wants to go to hospital.  Never.  That tells me how uncomfortable she was and in pain.  Uncle James took her to a different hospital into Tyler and they saw some bone chips around her neck. She has a pinched nerve that is causing the pain in arms and hands.   She's home again from hospital.   I should have never left her! I should have said stay right here while i run my shirt to car. She has a bad foot that she has to be very careful of steps, etc.  The sidewalk just went at a sudden slope and she went down.  You could see how it sloped because her foot was still there on the ground.  She was finally feeling so good because she had been sick for a while.  I know i'm going on and on but Nanny is my love. She is our rock and matriarch of the family. She raised me off and on my whole life. I literally mean this when i say i wouldnt be where i am today without her.  I am equally close to her as i am my mom. They both raised me.  Nanny is precious and full of love.  She is now in so much pain and her face is bloody and swollen and it kills me.
To top things off , i have not mentioned on my blog lately because it was too hard. My dad is having problems with his new lungs and has been in and out of the hospital several times.  I cant talk about it right now.  I just cant.   Our hot water heater pipe busted under the house and i'm currently working from home today so i can pack and move what i can out of my office/guest bedroom.  They are going to jackhammer and go through the concrete and hard floors tomorrow.  That alone is giving me great anxiety.  The floors are over 150 degrees in that room and guest bathroom. It burns our feet if we go barefooted.  
So if you are even still here reading this whole post- i am sorry i am the biggest Eeyore Debbie Downer you can imagine.  If you know me than you know thats not me.  I want to be happy. I want to smile and love life and enjoy every precious moment God gave me.  I am blessed but super depressed.
My friends mean the world to me and have been so supportive.  I went to the Chris Cornell concert the weekend of Halloween.  It was amazing!!  He normally doesnt have anyone open up for him on his solo tour but he hand picked this young lady.  She was incredible.  She just came out on stage and belted out her heart acoustically.  I bought the CD and its on replay over and over.  Her real name is Christina or something like that but she sings under name Hemming.   I wanted to share this song with yall. I love it and its what is getting me through my hours and days.

Some of my friends have seen me cry
Some of my friends can tell when I am lying
And some of my friends don't know how hard I have tried
To make my amends to make up for lost time
Some of my friends make fun of my jokes
And some of my friends will spend their whole lives broke
Some of my friends live on the edge of their seats
As soon as they get somewhere they can't wait to leave
Some of my friends taught me how to be strong
And some of my friends don't know how to be alone
Some of my friends I may have just met
But they could turn into people that I never forget
Some of my friends yeah they drink too much
And some of my friends don't know who they want to love
Some of my friends keep on breaking my heart
Because some of my friends don't see how beautiful they are
Yeah and some of my friends are just wasting away
And some of my friends are gonna be famous one day
Some of my friends they’re gonna leave this town
Theyr’e gonna keep on running and never settle down
Some of my friends will never know who I am
Some of my friends were given more than one chance
Some of my friends put me up on a throne
The second I fall they run and leave me alone
Some of my friends will never know what home is
Some of my friends are gonna be married with kids
And some of my friends I'll never see again
But thank God they were there when I needed them.

Please pray for Nanny and for my peace of mind.

33 comments:

  1. 'Definitely praying for you and your family, my friend. (((Holli))) I am so glad God sent angels to help you in your time of need. -Marci @ Stone Cottage Adventures

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  2. Dear dear Holli, Sorry isn't an adequate word to express what I am feeling right now. You have left such kind, supportive and uplifting comments on my blog, even in the midst of my own drama, that I never dreamed you were going through all this. First of all please do not blame yourself for Nanny's mishap. Accidents happen and they typically occur while we are innocently enjoying ourselves as you and she were that day. Beyond that all I can offer is a reminder that it could have been much worse. Nanny is on the mend and eventually these vivid, full color flashbacks will fade in intensity and become a dull gray. The memory might give you a twinge of pain but it won't consume you as it does now. Just as you wish you could wave a wand and take away Nanny's pain, I wish I could do the same for you, my treasured friend. I offer prayers for Nanny, for your dad and for you, dear friend Holli.

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    1. I so desperately want to call her but her mouth is so swollen, it hurts for her to talk. I'm getting updates from my Uncle. She is feeling worse but then the Dr's said she would after a hard fall. I am going to stay the night with her one night next week so I'm looking forward to this week to go quickly. Thank you for your prayers Shady. You're a good friend.

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    2. Thinking about you today, dear Holli, and hoping things are better on all fronts.

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  3. Oh gosh! I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. I'm glad your nanny is home from the hospital. I could really feel your fear while reading your post though. I would've been a terrified mess too. I once helped an old man who was having a heart attack and after he was taken away, I was hugging and crying on a strange woman. I don't remember if I thanked her either but she helped me hold it together. I'm glad you had people there willing to be there in your and nanny's time of need.

    I'm also sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he heals and doesn't have anymore problems with his new lungs.

    Sending many virtual hugs!

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    1. I appreciate the much needed hugs. Day by day.....

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  4. I read every word. You have my cyber support (for what it's worth). Nanny was lucky to have you there!

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    1. Your cyber support is worth much. I appreciate every bit of it! Thank you

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  5. Oh Holli! I am praying for you and for your Nanny! I know it is easy for me to tell you not to blame yourself but that is what I am going to tell you. Don't blame yourself. Just be glad that you were there with her. What if it had happened and no one else was around??? I hope she heals quickly and you can once again go out and find that rug. Prayers and hugs my friend!!

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    1. Thanks for the prayers sweet friend. We both need them- her of course more than me.

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  6. Oh girl, you have so much super hard stuff happening right now.

    First, you must forgive yourself for making that quick trip to the car. It was a fluke accident. I'm confident she doesn't blame you... AT ALL.

    Second, I'll be praying for your entire family. You. Dad. Nanny. Uncle James. Todd. All of you need the peace that passes understanding.

    Third, what a blessing those ladies stayed with you. Not sure how that would've turned out if they hadn't. I'm always amazed at the kindness of strangers (amazed in the best of ways).

    Fourth, the stuff at your house will get better. It's minor. I know it seems major, but it's not. It will be okay.

    Fifth, breathe. You are loved and you love.

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    1. Day by day I'm feeling better. Nanny unfortunately is feeling worse. I'm still so very worried about her. Thank you for your sweet post and support.

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  7. Oh my gosh Holli you have had so much on your plate. Believe me, I know how overwhelming life can be sometimes. One trick my therapist taught me is to give yourself time to let it all out daily. Cry, scream, punch pillows whatever for 20 to 30 minutes and just let go. Then allow yourself to calm down in the quietness. When your allotted time is up, go about your daily business. It really does help. Of course so does anti anxiety meds and sleep meds! You are an amazing, caring woman with a pure heart and I know you will get through this. Love and hugs to you my sweet friend!

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    1. I will try your therapists suggestion today. I've already cried and its only 8:30 am. UGH. Thank you for your love and hugs. They mean a lot~

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear about Nanny and the toll it has taken on both of you! Oh, my gosh, what a weekend. I'm sorry I'm just now getting around to this but beginning immediately, I'm praying for you and for her.

    This accident is just that - an accident! What a blessing that you were with her! That must have been the only comfort available and that terrible time. You know that the blood thinners made it look much, much worse. But again - not your fault. You love her and you're rightly upset by anything that would harm her - but YOU didn't harm her. You were her guardian angel that day.

    Gonzo has been having a little bit of "what if" thoughts - but it doesn't help anything and can surely send you spinning down a maelstrom of sadness. Step away from it, girl!

    You are loved and prayed for now and in the future weeks. Hugs...big, ridiculous hugs to you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers till you all are better.

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    1. Hugs and prayers are so appreciated right now. Thank you sweet Cherdo!!

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    2. That's it...I'm coming to Texas and we're gonna hug it out, girl.

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  9. You are not a Debby Downer, sweet child, and this accident is not your fault. It sounds as if you are still in shock. You need to see a doctor. If you don't take care of yourself, then you can't help anyone else. I am praying for you and your beloved Nanny. You are in the hands of the Heavenly Father. He is with you, dear one.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I am working on seeing a Dr this week. I've already cried this morning and I am exhausted from the crying. I am sick of myself. Thank you for your prayers and support.

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    2. No need to be sick of yourself. Let that emotion out. Let it go. Cry if you need to cry. The time will come when you don't need to cry, at least not as much.

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  10. Keep calm. Deep breaths. Prayers are coming.

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    1. I am feeling the prayers. Thank you so much.

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  11. This sounds like such a hard and stressful weekend. I'm sorry :( I hope it gets better and everything turns out alright!

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  12. I am so, so sorry to hear all this, Holli. Of course you're overwhelmed... You love your Nanny, she's important to you, and having something like that happen "on your watch" is terrible. You know it's not your fault, you know guilt serves no purpose or does any good, but... we're human. And guilt is a very human emotion. Plus we're the harshest judges with ourselves. Try to remember to be kind to yourself in the midst of all this. I'll be looking forward to hearing about Nanny's recovery, and your own path back into the light of life. In the meantime, a hug.
    Guilie @ Quiet Laughter

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  13. I am so sorry for this you are going through, I'm adding you to my prayer list. Hang in there lady.

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  14. One person shouldn't have to go through so much. I'm so sorry to hear all the problems, especially with your grandma. That's too much to handle. Fortunately, it sounds like you have a lot of friends and support. Keep drawing on them for strength and remember the power of prayer.
    I shall keep y'all in my thoughts.

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  15. Prayers and hugs to you. Hang in there, Holli. One day at a time ~ one thing at a time. You'll be in my thoughts. :)

    Love, Dixie

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  16. Sweet Holli, I am so very sorry that you are going through such a rough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate through these difficult times. I love and miss you and am here if you need anything at all!

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  17. Sweet Holli, I am so very sorry that you are going through such a rough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate through these difficult times. I love and miss you and am here if you need anything at all!

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  18. Holli, I can't believe what I just read. What a terrible thing to experience with your grandmother. My heart aches for you. Glad she is doing okay and I pray she continues to get better. So very sorry to hear about your dad. ((HUGS)) I will be praying for his health. Take care and God Bless.

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  19. Holli, I'm playing catch up. I read this post and the two latest ones. I'm a horrible blogger pal when it comes to staying up to speed with others. Shame on me! What an ordeal your poor grandma went through and I know it wasn't an easy thing for you to deal with, either. I am praying for your grandma's healing. I think you're too hard on yourself. Anyone of us might find ourselves in a similar situation; we'd be riddled with guilt and replaying all the what ifs in our head after the fact. I am praying that you are coping better with the flashbacks from this incident. I'm sure whatever has your emotions teetering is magnifying this, too. I pray for a resolution to getting you back to your ole self soon. May God's peace fill your senses and settle your mind. ((hugs))

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    1. Oh yeah, I wanted to mention that I called my paternal grandma Nanny, also. I have not heard anyone else use before now. What are the odds? :D

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