Then , a year later after losing Don, I lost my Dad. Daddy went into the hospital on January 10 and was told he wouldn't be leaving the hospital. He passed on the 12th. I've not been the same since. I wont go into too much detail for one , I am at work and cant sob uncontrollably right now. Basically, though I sunk into a deep depression and head in a hole for almost the whole year so that after counseling and climbing out of the hole, I had to face it again once the numbness wore off. I've been able to get stronger little by little as time passes but on some days, its like a bandaid was ripped off and my skin came off with it.
I am on Facebook and one thing I love about Facebook is the memories and one thing I hate is the memories. They GUT me during this month. In fact, I wasn't even thinking when I accidentally remembered to look at the FB memories from today in past years. One was the day of funeral and the other was day I got news that Daddy wasn't going to make it.
I'm trying very hard to breathe and to realize that today is a different day and I need to break pattern of utter sadness .
This Saturday is the 12th. My stepmom is avid Catholic and has a mass dedicated to Daddy on this day. I'll be joining her and we had discussed going to lunch or dinner to one of his fave places. Last year, I worked from home and then went to bed as soon as I could log out.
In a few weeks, Todd has a business conference in San Diego. I cant even join him for dinners because they're the kind of meetings where its a package deal with room , etc and meals are brought in per attendee. I used to live in San Diego when I was a kid and it's one of my happy places. I am tagging along because I cant wait to buy a cheap beach towel, kick off my shoes and sit on Imperial Beach and journal , meditate and talk to Daddy all while waves come crashing down . One of my friends was supposed to come down from LA to see me but she cant and Todd was worried about me being alone. He has no idea that that's what i'm counting on. I want to change my feeling about January. I want to have some peace in my heart. I cant think of a better way than to not be at work and to be in California to roam alone during the day with no agenda.
Sorry for a depressing post but that's all I got today folks. Have a great day and rest of your week.
Hi, Holli!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to learn that the month of January brings anniversaries with sad reminders. I remember you telling us in recent years about these two great men in your life - your stepdad Don and your Daddy, and how much it hurt you and your brother to lose them. I am sorry for your losses. Grief does indeed sweep over you in waves, even years later.
I think you have a good plan, Holli. Take a break from work and lose yourself on a sun drenched beach in Southern California. Watch the tide roll in, write, meditate and do whatever else you need to do to work through this tough month. I wish you the best, dear friend!
On a happier note, as I told you on my blog, Mrs. Shady and I took your advice and watched Dumplin' yesterday. We give it two enthusiastic thumbs up. The Dolly music is terrific, the talent show amazing and the movie sends a very positive message to girls struggling with body image issues. I liked how the popular beauty queen was portrayed as a sweet, sensible girl who treated the overweight Dumplin' with respect. That was refreshing, because most movies on the subject would paint her as a stuck-up mean girl. Dumplin' was refreshing and validating, all of the characters likable. Thank you for recommending it, Holli!
Awesome- so glad you and the Mrs enjoyed it too!! I love the soundtrack so much. I also saw Birdbox the other night and its so weird to see the actress twice in one week be completely different. She is so good hiding her accent from Australia! Have a great weekend Shady. I appreciate you so much.
DeleteAnniversary dates of loss are always tough to get through. But I hope your California getaway and "me time" helps you to reframe January and do some more healing.
ReplyDeleteThat's what i'm counting on. I think its so weird for both my brother and I to lose our dad's a year a part in the same month. Sucks!!
DeleteI cant wait to go to Cali. Have a great weekend.
Honestly, this is not depressing- it is normal human emotion. You have been through a ton the time I have known you, enough to make anyone blanch at looking back. For just such times God made the "hide post" button. Well that, and Laurie's niece's obscene 'love a thick girl' stuff. And yeah, it wasn't God, but MZ. But God made us all, so it's okay. And it's okay to grieve. So get alone, get some head space. Then come back and hold a hand that's still here.
ReplyDeleteChris, I love you my friend!! I appreciate your loyalty and friendship over the years. Knowing there's the virtual hand to hold from you and others really is so encouraging and helps me to be stronger. Thank you.
DeleteGive Scrappy a hug from Jax and Lila.
You should never have to apologize for feeling, or for sharing your loss. You are human. And anyone who has lost someone knows that the sense of no longer having a part of our heart is not something that goes away.
ReplyDeleteSending gentle hugs your way.
Thank you so much for understanding. I'm feeling those hugs!
DeleteI appreciate all the prayers. Thank you so much
ReplyDeleteNo sorries needed! We all go through things like this and it takes time! Sending you Big Healing Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your understanding and support. I'll take that hug and return one back to you!!
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