Sad sad January

So I have a confession, I kinda really hate January.  Its only been a few years since I've felt this way but I do.  Four years ago, on January 4 2015, I got the sad call you don't want to receive with news that my stepdad Don had passed away.  We had his funeral on January 10 in little town he grew up in West Texas.  Don was seriously the most amazing stepdad a girl could have asked for and it was a huge loss to me and even more so for my baby brother. They had the most incredible father/son relationship.
Then , a year later after losing Don, I lost my Dad.   Daddy went into the hospital on January 10 and was told he wouldn't be leaving the hospital.  He passed on the 12th.  I've not been the same since. I wont go into too much detail for one , I am at work and cant sob uncontrollably right now.  Basically, though I sunk into a deep depression and head in a hole for almost the whole year so that after counseling and climbing out of the hole, I had to face it again once the numbness wore off.   I've been able to get stronger little by little as time passes but on some days, its like a bandaid was ripped off and my skin came off with it.
I am on Facebook and one thing I love about Facebook is the memories and one thing I hate is the memories. They GUT me during this month. In fact, I wasn't even thinking when I accidentally remembered to look at the FB memories from today in past years. One was the day of funeral and the other was day I got news that Daddy wasn't going to make it.

I'm trying very hard to breathe and to realize that today is a different day and I need to break pattern of utter sadness . 

This Saturday is the 12th. My stepmom is avid Catholic and has a mass dedicated to Daddy on this day. I'll be joining her and we had discussed going to lunch or dinner to one of his fave places.  Last year, I worked from home and then went to bed as soon as I could log out. 

In a few weeks, Todd has a business conference in San Diego. I cant even join him for dinners because they're the kind of meetings where its a package deal with room , etc and meals are brought in per attendee. I used to live in San Diego when I was a kid and it's one of my happy places.  I am tagging along because I cant wait to buy a cheap beach towel, kick off my shoes and sit on Imperial Beach and journal , meditate and talk to Daddy all while waves come crashing down .  One of my friends was supposed to come down from LA to see me but she cant and Todd was worried about me being alone. He has no idea that that's what i'm counting on. I want to change my feeling about January. I want to have some peace in my heart. I cant think of a better way than to not be at work and to be in California to roam alone during the day with no agenda. 

Sorry for a depressing post but that's all I got today folks.  Have a great day and rest of your week.