Sad sad January

So I have a confession, I kinda really hate January.  Its only been a few years since I've felt this way but I do.  Four years ago, on January 4 2015, I got the sad call you don't want to receive with news that my stepdad Don had passed away.  We had his funeral on January 10 in little town he grew up in West Texas.  Don was seriously the most amazing stepdad a girl could have asked for and it was a huge loss to me and even more so for my baby brother. They had the most incredible father/son relationship.
Then , a year later after losing Don, I lost my Dad.   Daddy went into the hospital on January 10 and was told he wouldn't be leaving the hospital.  He passed on the 12th.  I've not been the same since. I wont go into too much detail for one , I am at work and cant sob uncontrollably right now.  Basically, though I sunk into a deep depression and head in a hole for almost the whole year so that after counseling and climbing out of the hole, I had to face it again once the numbness wore off.   I've been able to get stronger little by little as time passes but on some days, its like a bandaid was ripped off and my skin came off with it.
I am on Facebook and one thing I love about Facebook is the memories and one thing I hate is the memories. They GUT me during this month. In fact, I wasn't even thinking when I accidentally remembered to look at the FB memories from today in past years. One was the day of funeral and the other was day I got news that Daddy wasn't going to make it.

I'm trying very hard to breathe and to realize that today is a different day and I need to break pattern of utter sadness . 

This Saturday is the 12th. My stepmom is avid Catholic and has a mass dedicated to Daddy on this day. I'll be joining her and we had discussed going to lunch or dinner to one of his fave places.  Last year, I worked from home and then went to bed as soon as I could log out. 

In a few weeks, Todd has a business conference in San Diego. I cant even join him for dinners because they're the kind of meetings where its a package deal with room , etc and meals are brought in per attendee. I used to live in San Diego when I was a kid and it's one of my happy places.  I am tagging along because I cant wait to buy a cheap beach towel, kick off my shoes and sit on Imperial Beach and journal , meditate and talk to Daddy all while waves come crashing down .  One of my friends was supposed to come down from LA to see me but she cant and Todd was worried about me being alone. He has no idea that that's what i'm counting on. I want to change my feeling about January. I want to have some peace in my heart. I cant think of a better way than to not be at work and to be in California to roam alone during the day with no agenda. 

Sorry for a depressing post but that's all I got today folks.  Have a great day and rest of your week. 

My Christmas 2016 and up until now

Hey everyone- Happy New Year!!

I’m finally just now posting about my Christmas.  I started to get pretty depressed as Christmas day approached.  Since I can remember, minus the few years here and there when I was out of state , Christmas Day was always always always spent with my Dad.  This was the first Christmas without him and it really was so very different for me. I was kind of lost. I know that seems so dramatic and I always had my husband by my side but when there is such a deep rooted tradition that I did for over 40 plus years, it was hard.

 The whole Christmas week was very busy and hectic which was good I guess.  We had lunch at our house on Christmas Eve day. Our son Collin who lives in Austin with his girlfriend Sydney drove up the night before and went to his mom’s house.  Our daughter Alison rode with them and they got to our house around 11:30. My in-laws came over too so they could see the kids.  We had a nice time though very brief . We rarely get to see Collin now that he lives out of town and he’s working full time.  After lunch, Todd had to leave for church because he was playing drums for the candlelight service and always has to go early to practice with group.  The family left and I then I headed to our church for the service.

Silly selfie with kids and parents

After our church service, we went to my Dad’s house and had dinner with my stepmom Deb.  She is very devout Catholic and her church dedicated 4 different masses in memory of Daddy and the Christmas midnight mass happened to be the last one.  I really do miss practicing Catholicism often especially around the holidays so I would have joined her anyway but it was special bonus for the dedication.  I like that her church actually starts Midnight Mass at 11 and then ends at midnight instead of starting at midnight like many do.   We got our double dose of Jesus that day for church with 2 different church services. I actually liked it and would do that again.  I was soooo tired though by the time we got home. I had got up super early that day for finishing touches of house cleaning for the family lunch.

The first service of the day was Candlelight at our church

Mass dedicated to my dad ( Mark Schmitz)

On Christmas morning, Todd and I slept in until 8am and we fixed breakfast and opened our gifts from one another.  I have another post regarding my Christmas present that I asked for.  We had to be at Todd’s parents house for lunch by noon and they live about 45 minutes away.  Their lunch was with Todd’s brother Kevin and his wife Paula and Kevins sons Zac and Seth, Todd’s cousin Kimberly and her husband Richard,  Us, and the in-laws so there were 10 of us.   We did our gift exchange with the family and had nice time visiting with one another.  I think we left their house around 4 and headed home.  I was SO tired from the nonstop day before and coming getting into bed around 1am, it was catching up with me.  I think we had leftovers and then put on our comfy pajamas and had a Bed In ( our version of Bed in is where we turn off the lights and lock the doors around the house and shut everything down , then just watch TV from our bedroom).  It was great!  We both fell asleep by 10.

Silly selfie with the fam

I took the week off for vacation between Christmas and New Years and it was great. I wish I could tell you that I met up with friends every day, shopped, cleaned house, took down Christmas, etc.   I didn’t do any of that. One day I did take Jack and Avery to the movies to see Sing. I’ve mentioned them a few times. I’m really good friends with their mom who works with me. They don’t have any family in Texas and they didn’t go home to Chicago this year.  They’re good boys and I love spending time with them.  Sing was super cute!  I did read a book- Miss Peregrine’s home for peculiar children.  I liked it but then I realized it’s a series of 3 books and I didn’t have the other 2.  I hate when I do that!  I slept in every day to at least 8 or 8:30.  I just kinda took it easy which I so rarely do.  It was nice!

Sing with Avery and Jack

For New Years Eve,  we were invited to some friends house who had a really fun ( brilliant) idea- the party started at 6pm and they changed all their clocks in the house to say 9pm.  So at our time at 9, we did a count down and toasted champagne like it was midnight.  Todd and I were back home in our jammies and in bed again by 10.  HAHA! We are some wild and crazy characters !  The following day on Sunday was spent at my Dads ranch again visiting with my stepmom’s family. My stepbrother and sister and the kiddos were in from California and I needed to spend time with them.  It was also Cowboys football time that we lost to the Giants. Poop! Then Monday came around and we had a corporate day off so that was good. I unfortunately had caught a bug (from one of the kiddos I suspect) and was super super sick all day and into the late evening.  Todd took down the Christmas tree and did what he could with decorations but i wasn’t able to help him much at all.   Then back to work on Tuesday. That was all pretty much my holiday in a nutshell.

NY Eve party with friends Debbie and Wendy( avery and jacks mom)

My nieces Ava and Paloma

Dad's dog Leroy did not mind being festive and wearing party hat

This week has been rough emotionally. This Thursday will be the one year anniversary of my sweet amazing Daddy taking his last breath.  I cant believe its already been a year. It honestly feels like it was a few months ago. I think I lived so long in the dark with my head in a hole last year that I lost track of time.  I will be  working from home that day so I don’t have to wear makeup because I suspect I’ll be crying the majority of the day.  This weekend Deb is hosting a Celebration of Life in Memory of Daddy. I’ve also been dreading that. I don’t know why.  It will be friends and family that loved my dad but I just am exhausted from crying and yet I still do.  A few of my close friends will be there so that will help.  Todd said to me the other night that we don’t have to go. But we do. I need to show my support to Deb. Maybe this is healing for her. I am his only daughter ( only kid born to him) and I feel like I need to be there.   So, please pray for my heart this week and weekend. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Have a great day yall!! 

Too much too soon

Good morning y'all.  I am just going to tell you straight up that i am sad. I have a sadness that i cant seem to shake.  I may need to go to the Dr for depression because i know its not something to mess with.  For many reasons though i struggled with typing that and saying it out loud. I have had so much sadness around me this year .  Have you had a year that you had more deaths that you can remember form any previous year? 2015 has been that year for me.  It all started as yall remember when i lost my stepdad in January. My dear friend lost her mom in February and then lost her husband 2 weeks ago.  We've had yet another big blow.  Last Thursday we got the news that a friend of ours from church died suddenly from heart complications.  He was only 40.  We had just had lunch with him and his mom who also goes to our church 5 weeks ago.  "J" loved music and concerts. We sat for hours talking about concerts and we had such a great time hanging out.  He had heart problems and had recently started having them again after it being under control for a few years.
"J" was also going through a nasty bitter divorce and yall nothing cant be without drama with her.  Ironically, the divorce would have been final this week.  Now she gets everything and she moved into his house , changed the locks and stole his car.  His mom is devastated and they ( mom and son) were super close.  She went to several rock concerts with "J" and they saw each other almost everyday.  My heart just aches for her. She has another son who is a few years older than J and he came to church on Sunday with her. Wow, he looks just like "J".
So one of the many reasons i love my church is that its not too big.  We mostly know everyone and we are a very tight church community.   It was obvious that we all were so stunned and sad about the news when we came to church on Sunday.  Our pastor was out of state for a seminar and we had a guest speaker. Our pastors wife was to introduce him to us and say a few words.  As she started to pray, she broke down and started to cry and talk about "J" and his family.  We all just started crying then but it was good. We needed to address it and stand together and grieve.  I was so proud of her for saying what was on her heart and not go along with what was already scheduled in her speech.  Our pastor is from Louisiana and so was J.  They got together on Sunday's to watch the Saints play.
Tomorrow is his funeral.  One thing i am happy about is that the attire is to wear concert tshirts and no suits allowed.  There will be some good rock music played because his mom told us on Sunday she's picking out the songs.
I have this trait that i dont like about myself and thats my internalizing others pain.  When someone i know has had a loss, i hurt for them and i'm so sad. It affects my mood. I can go along with my day but i have this heaviness on my heart.   2 funerals back to back though is just too much.  I feel like death surrounds me. I never thought of myself as a doom and gloom person.  I put on a smile and act like all is great.  I dont go up to my friends and start talking about sadness.  I keep it all in.  Until today and i figured i might as well write out my feelings. Its my blog and its supposed to be therapeutic to write it down.   I do have my big Holliween party this weekend to look forward to and i am excited to see my friends smiling and laughing. I need that!
There is a cover that has been playing on the radio more recently and its by Shinedown.  They are one of my favorite "new" bands right now.  I've posted a few of their songs here already.  Well they did a cover of Lynyrd Skynrd's song Simple Man.  Yall i  love it so much. I really really like the way its sung.  I should have been more patient and used it for my next Battle of the Bands.  Heck, who's to say i wont .  I just really want yall to hear it if you havent already.  Music gets me through.  Hard rock really helps more when i'm sad.  This isnt exactly hard but its just right.
I'll be back tomorrow for my results of the battle between Celtic Thunder and The Killdares. Please vote today if you havent already done that either.

I'm going to be OK.  I have lots of joyful things to be thankful for and to look forward to.  I just have had more sadness than happiness lately.