Wednesday thoughts

I received the sweetest package today from my work team.  Its a light box with Nanny's name and date on it. It was sent to the office and I started crying immediately when I read the box. I have some thoughtful people on my team!

I've still been on a roll of going through stuff at my home to toss or donate. Last week in our mailbox, there was a flyer that was from a charity north of us and asked for donations to be left on our porch and to schedule a pickup. Man , was that perfect timing for them! I had already packed 2 bags of stuff that I was going to drop off . On Saturday, I spent 4 hours straightening up a side of the garage that needed organized and I ended up filling 3 more bags up. The charity picked up yesterday.  I still have much more to do including another closet. 

We had some severe thunder and rain storms this week and my dogs hate the thunder. They bark back at it which is both funny and annoying. We got woke up this am by some loud thunder claps at 3am so I have very puffy dark circles under my eyes.  I am so tired and seeing an early bedtime tonight!  Todd flew home today from his work meetings so that is always nice too to have him home. 

Lastly, the picture of coffin was from Nanny's funeral. I don't know what prompted me to take it but as I watched each of my cousins who were pallbearers take off their flower and add to the coffin, I snapped a quick photo.  Saturday, as I was organizing the garage section, I came across Nanny's small travel carry case. It had her address label stuck on the side and I burst into tears and cried for a few minutes. I had to pull myself together quick because I had created this HUGE mess around me in the garage and I was doing it alone and didn't have time to allow myself to wallow in grief.  I still feel that a time will come and the flood gates will open up and there will be no quick 3 minute cry. 

I hope yall have had a good week. I'm honestly ready for Friday!  

This has a light inside of the box

5large lawn bags packed for charity pickup

lack of sleep and allergies have caused my eyes to be dark and puffy. I also have no clue how to use eyeshadow!

The pallbearers stuck their boutonniere in the casket 

Love Reunited and it hurts so bad

Ok, I am going to try to make this post as legible as possible.  My heart is broken in a million pieces and i'm still numb.  My precious sweet Nanny passed away on Monday , February 25. Now, do you want to hear something I couldn't begin to make up in this universe? My grandpa Poppy - her husband- passed away on February 25, 22 years ago.  So YES, they both died on the exact same day but years apart.
So I cant remember if I had mentioned that this last year since September, we had to go to Hell and back to try to get her approved for Medicaid. She had gotten really sick in September and the Dr's wouldn't release her to live alone again. So Nanny went into a rehab for 4 months and it was wonderful. Then they couldn't keep her forever so she had to move next door into the adjacent nursing home. We really wanted her to go to the assisted living center that was in near her hometown and that's when the battle began with Medicaid to approve her assisted living. She got approved during the Federal shutdown which meant her paperwork got pushed aside.  Fast forward and 4 weeks ago, she got approved and moved into her new place. Nanny was so excited and that's what gave her something to look forward to the whole time she was in the nursing home.  My uncle and his wife got her new place decorated with all the things she wanted from her apartment  and looking good.
My cousin and my nieces were going to ride with me and we were going to visit her and see her new place this past Saturday.  Then Friday, she wasn't feeling very well and had thrown up.  We thought just a bug or virus.  A home health nurse came by and her blood pressure was very low so she thought it would be good idea to send her to hospital to check all her vitals to be safe.  They ended up putting her in ICU because of her age.  That's when they realized her kidneys weren't functioning at all and she had pneumonia.  Her only option to survive this was to go through dialysis. She had done that a few times before and it was really hard on her. She hated it !!  Nanny called it the morgue because it was really cold when they would take her for dialysis. She said she would never do that again so she refused.  And that's when we knew she wouldn't be going home.
She was moved into a beautiful hospice center Sunday afternoon so she could pass with dignity and peace and not a ugly scary sterile hospital room with wires and beeps and people poking and prodding her every minute.  I'll have to do another post on the hospice place because it was so great!!
Of course, no one even Dr's can say when she will Go but they estimated her lasting a few days. I KNEW in my heart that GOD would take her Monday knowing what day it was.  How could he not?!!  It was the anniversary of her losing the love of her life.  I prayed for it.  The waiting is the most excruciating part. Its when I get selfish and impatient. If I cant have her, then please take her now.  And so HE did.
My grandparents were very involved in motorcycle clubs. They had lots of matching outfits and were all so dang cute!! She rode with him for so many years.  We imagined Poppy on his Harley , engine on, revving it up waiting for her to jump on the back and take her for the Ride of her Life through the streets of Heaven.
I will have more to say because I have years and years of stories about my sweet precious Nanny. She was our matriarch and we are very lost without her.  I am grateful for her 91 years and I could have never imagined her leaving us on the day that was already so hard for us but I take comfort that she's with Poppy.

Can I just point out how smoking hot she was!!  The OG Biker chick!

Sad sad January

So I have a confession, I kinda really hate January.  Its only been a few years since I've felt this way but I do.  Four years ago, on January 4 2015, I got the sad call you don't want to receive with news that my stepdad Don had passed away.  We had his funeral on January 10 in little town he grew up in West Texas.  Don was seriously the most amazing stepdad a girl could have asked for and it was a huge loss to me and even more so for my baby brother. They had the most incredible father/son relationship.
Then , a year later after losing Don, I lost my Dad.   Daddy went into the hospital on January 10 and was told he wouldn't be leaving the hospital.  He passed on the 12th.  I've not been the same since. I wont go into too much detail for one , I am at work and cant sob uncontrollably right now.  Basically, though I sunk into a deep depression and head in a hole for almost the whole year so that after counseling and climbing out of the hole, I had to face it again once the numbness wore off.   I've been able to get stronger little by little as time passes but on some days, its like a bandaid was ripped off and my skin came off with it.
I am on Facebook and one thing I love about Facebook is the memories and one thing I hate is the memories. They GUT me during this month. In fact, I wasn't even thinking when I accidentally remembered to look at the FB memories from today in past years. One was the day of funeral and the other was day I got news that Daddy wasn't going to make it.

I'm trying very hard to breathe and to realize that today is a different day and I need to break pattern of utter sadness . 

This Saturday is the 12th. My stepmom is avid Catholic and has a mass dedicated to Daddy on this day. I'll be joining her and we had discussed going to lunch or dinner to one of his fave places.  Last year, I worked from home and then went to bed as soon as I could log out. 

In a few weeks, Todd has a business conference in San Diego. I cant even join him for dinners because they're the kind of meetings where its a package deal with room , etc and meals are brought in per attendee. I used to live in San Diego when I was a kid and it's one of my happy places.  I am tagging along because I cant wait to buy a cheap beach towel, kick off my shoes and sit on Imperial Beach and journal , meditate and talk to Daddy all while waves come crashing down .  One of my friends was supposed to come down from LA to see me but she cant and Todd was worried about me being alone. He has no idea that that's what i'm counting on. I want to change my feeling about January. I want to have some peace in my heart. I cant think of a better way than to not be at work and to be in California to roam alone during the day with no agenda. 

Sorry for a depressing post but that's all I got today folks.  Have a great day and rest of your week. 

Celebration of Life for Dad and a Regift

Good morning yall!  Last week was a tough week. I cried everyday and my eyes stayed swollen until this past Monday.  Last Thursday was the day my dad passed away a year ago.  I worked from home so that i didnt have to put on makeup and see anyone.  I cried pretty hard at moments.  I have to share something special with you though.
I sometimes hide precious things that mean a lot to me. My fear is if my house is ever robbed, i dont want them to find everything in my main jewelry box. Does anyone else have irrational thoughts and behaviors like that? ( I was robbed back in high school so there's a story behind my thoughts. I'll save that for another post).  I thought I had lost an amethyst pendant along with my senior class ring from high school. Its been at least 2 years since i had thought i lost them.   While working in my home office ( it's messy) on Thursday , I came across an old wooden jewelry box and of all things to found was that pendant ( along with class ring) Daddy had bought that necklace and matching earrings for me when I was in high school or early college. It was my very first set of "real grown up stones". It was funny because he got my birthstone mixed up with my grandmas. Mimi's birthday is February 17 and mine is May 17.  I can still remember the look on his face as i was opening my gift. He had his big goofy smile and his eyes were twinkling. He was as excited to give me the gift as i was receiving it. Daddy said to me " its your birthstone right? and i replied No Daddy, its even better, its Purple"!  My birthstone is emerald but i think all girls love pink and purple when they're young.   I still have the earrings and i had lost the pendant a few years ago or so i thought.  I can't help but think that was a sign from Daddy for me to find something so special that came from him on the very day i was grieving for him on his death anniversary.   I had shared this story on Facebook that day and one of my friends mentioned that he Regifted it to me. It made me smile and i needed that!  Oh and  I'm wearing my necklace right now with the pendant.

Saturday was the day of dad's party that i was not looking forward to. Quite honestly, i just wanted to put it behind me.  Funny thing is that so many of my family members and friends felt the same way. I ended up having a really nice day. It was emotional yes but it was shared with loved ones. We released 66 balloons ( Mimi had a special larger white one) and we  all read a prayer that Deb had printed out on little cards.  Then we just relaxed and shared stories about Daddy.  There are soooo many stories! Dad was one of a kind and so funny.  My stepbrother got a huge fire going outside in the fire pit and had tons of food and drink. Some of my closest friends came which meant so much to me.  My grandma Mimi was very emotional when she first arrived. She couldnt stop crying and even said she shouldnt have come.  I hugged her and told her that its good to cry on each other's shoulders. She also had a good time and was glad she came after all.   Mimi lost her only sister (aunt Edith) last month a few days after Christmas. In fact her funeral is this weekend.  I was not very close to my great aunt but i'm going for support to Mimi.

I think i've mentioned before how much i hate January right!!

Fly away sweet Queen Bee

Saturday was an emotional day. It was the same day we had Daddy's funeral a year ago. My stepmom Deb wanted to host a Celebration of Life party for Dad.  I was dreading it but it ended up better than anticipated.  I was going to fill you in on the party today but that post has to wait. When we got home that evening and was settling on the couch, i went on Facebook on my phone. One of the first posts i saw was someone saying goodbye to one of my friends Brittany. I couldnt believe it. I said out-loud to Todd " Oh No ! Little Brittany is gone".   Earlier that morning, i had posted a Happy Birthday post on her page.  I later read that she had gone into the hospital late Friday night and passed away early Saturday morning on her birthday.
I met Brittany around 5 years ago through blogging.  Her blog was BeeLittleQueen and then changed the name to Sunny Tales and Happy Mail.  Pretty much very soon after i started blogging. She was one of my first blogging friends where we always commented on each others posts.  We eventually became friends on Facebook and Instagram which was great. I never got to meet her face to face in person because she lived in Arizona. Brittany was in a wheelchair and lived on a ventilator since she was 23.  She had Spinal Muscular Dystrophy and had to start on wheelchair when she was 11 years old. She had to live in a special home for those who needed 24 care with her ventilator, etc.
We would text each other periodically and we always sent little packages to each other.  We even switched maxi skirts one summer.  She loved fashion and makeup and we would talk about her favorite brands, etc.
The last few years , Brittany struggled with her health more and more. She went into the hospital a few time due to infection around her trach, air leaking, etc.  From there it was domino effect with other parts of her body.  She didnt post the whole year of 2016 on her blog. Luckily she would post on IG or FB so i could see some activity from her.
A few years ago, she started going to the Church of Latter Day Saints and met some new friends. Brittany eventually got baptized and joined the church. She loved it and i was happy for her to have a new community of friends to hang out with and look after her.  She came from a hispanic Catholic family and had posted that she knew many of her family didnt agree with the Mormon church but they also encouraged her to make her own decisions.
Brittany was always the most positive person i ever knew. She had the most beautiful outlook of life and the sweetest biggest smile.  She so badly wanted to have a boyfriend and to marry one day.  Brittany wanted what all young women want. She was no different .
I will miss my sweet little friend but she is soaring high with the angels. Had i known just a few hours earlier, i would have dedicated a balloon just for her.  In fact, i actually grabbed 2 balloons to release for Dad which was funny.
I normally dont pick a word for my year like so many do.  I've tried once or twice and never carried through.  I am choosing Brittany's word Mindful .  I feel the need and it came to me last night while i was wide awake until 2am to carry on her word this year. The word is a good one and it applies to me as well.  I want to have a mindful year of what i am grateful for and pull my head out of the dark grieving hole i've been in.

Definition from dictionary (online) mind·ful

ˈmīn(d)fəl/

adjective

adjective: mindful

1. conscious or aware of something.

   "we can be more mindful of the energy we use to heat our homes"

My Christmas 2016 and up until now

Hey everyone- Happy New Year!!

I’m finally just now posting about my Christmas.  I started to get pretty depressed as Christmas day approached.  Since I can remember, minus the few years here and there when I was out of state , Christmas Day was always always always spent with my Dad.  This was the first Christmas without him and it really was so very different for me. I was kind of lost. I know that seems so dramatic and I always had my husband by my side but when there is such a deep rooted tradition that I did for over 40 plus years, it was hard.

 The whole Christmas week was very busy and hectic which was good I guess.  We had lunch at our house on Christmas Eve day. Our son Collin who lives in Austin with his girlfriend Sydney drove up the night before and went to his mom’s house.  Our daughter Alison rode with them and they got to our house around 11:30. My in-laws came over too so they could see the kids.  We had a nice time though very brief . We rarely get to see Collin now that he lives out of town and he’s working full time.  After lunch, Todd had to leave for church because he was playing drums for the candlelight service and always has to go early to practice with group.  The family left and I then I headed to our church for the service.

Silly selfie with kids and parents

After our church service, we went to my Dad’s house and had dinner with my stepmom Deb.  She is very devout Catholic and her church dedicated 4 different masses in memory of Daddy and the Christmas midnight mass happened to be the last one.  I really do miss practicing Catholicism often especially around the holidays so I would have joined her anyway but it was special bonus for the dedication.  I like that her church actually starts Midnight Mass at 11 and then ends at midnight instead of starting at midnight like many do.   We got our double dose of Jesus that day for church with 2 different church services. I actually liked it and would do that again.  I was soooo tired though by the time we got home. I had got up super early that day for finishing touches of house cleaning for the family lunch.

The first service of the day was Candlelight at our church

Mass dedicated to my dad ( Mark Schmitz)

On Christmas morning, Todd and I slept in until 8am and we fixed breakfast and opened our gifts from one another.  I have another post regarding my Christmas present that I asked for.  We had to be at Todd’s parents house for lunch by noon and they live about 45 minutes away.  Their lunch was with Todd’s brother Kevin and his wife Paula and Kevins sons Zac and Seth, Todd’s cousin Kimberly and her husband Richard,  Us, and the in-laws so there were 10 of us.   We did our gift exchange with the family and had nice time visiting with one another.  I think we left their house around 4 and headed home.  I was SO tired from the nonstop day before and coming getting into bed around 1am, it was catching up with me.  I think we had leftovers and then put on our comfy pajamas and had a Bed In ( our version of Bed in is where we turn off the lights and lock the doors around the house and shut everything down , then just watch TV from our bedroom).  It was great!  We both fell asleep by 10.

Silly selfie with the fam

I took the week off for vacation between Christmas and New Years and it was great. I wish I could tell you that I met up with friends every day, shopped, cleaned house, took down Christmas, etc.   I didn’t do any of that. One day I did take Jack and Avery to the movies to see Sing. I’ve mentioned them a few times. I’m really good friends with their mom who works with me. They don’t have any family in Texas and they didn’t go home to Chicago this year.  They’re good boys and I love spending time with them.  Sing was super cute!  I did read a book- Miss Peregrine’s home for peculiar children.  I liked it but then I realized it’s a series of 3 books and I didn’t have the other 2.  I hate when I do that!  I slept in every day to at least 8 or 8:30.  I just kinda took it easy which I so rarely do.  It was nice!

Sing with Avery and Jack

For New Years Eve,  we were invited to some friends house who had a really fun ( brilliant) idea- the party started at 6pm and they changed all their clocks in the house to say 9pm.  So at our time at 9, we did a count down and toasted champagne like it was midnight.  Todd and I were back home in our jammies and in bed again by 10.  HAHA! We are some wild and crazy characters !  The following day on Sunday was spent at my Dads ranch again visiting with my stepmom’s family. My stepbrother and sister and the kiddos were in from California and I needed to spend time with them.  It was also Cowboys football time that we lost to the Giants. Poop! Then Monday came around and we had a corporate day off so that was good. I unfortunately had caught a bug (from one of the kiddos I suspect) and was super super sick all day and into the late evening.  Todd took down the Christmas tree and did what he could with decorations but i wasn’t able to help him much at all.   Then back to work on Tuesday. That was all pretty much my holiday in a nutshell.

NY Eve party with friends Debbie and Wendy( avery and jacks mom)

My nieces Ava and Paloma

Dad's dog Leroy did not mind being festive and wearing party hat

This week has been rough emotionally. This Thursday will be the one year anniversary of my sweet amazing Daddy taking his last breath.  I cant believe its already been a year. It honestly feels like it was a few months ago. I think I lived so long in the dark with my head in a hole last year that I lost track of time.  I will be  working from home that day so I don’t have to wear makeup because I suspect I’ll be crying the majority of the day.  This weekend Deb is hosting a Celebration of Life in Memory of Daddy. I’ve also been dreading that. I don’t know why.  It will be friends and family that loved my dad but I just am exhausted from crying and yet I still do.  A few of my close friends will be there so that will help.  Todd said to me the other night that we don’t have to go. But we do. I need to show my support to Deb. Maybe this is healing for her. I am his only daughter ( only kid born to him) and I feel like I need to be there.   So, please pray for my heart this week and weekend. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Have a great day yall!! 

"G" - Grief

Whew! Y'all I'm so exhausted and back is killing me. We got lots done today but tomorrow is GO day!! Closing is at 9:30am, the movers are showing up at 7:30am and somehow we've got to be at 3 places at once . I can't worry about it now.  As they say: It is what it is! 

Today my posts are on Grief.  

Hope you're Friday is more fun than mine because moving Sucks! 

Have a great weekend y'all!  I have to remember to post on Saturday.  Yikes! 

January can suck it! Its good to be back (kinda) .....

So today is February 12th and Daddy passed on January 12th. Its been a month but it feels as if it was only an hour ago. Still very raw and hard and impossible to swallow.  I am going through the motions of getting up, getting dressed , going to work, feeding the dogs, etc but i feel like i'm in a fog.  I can just tell you that February couldn't get here quick enough.  For some of you that have been around my blog longer than a year , yall know that my stepdad Don passed away last year on January 4.  Now i have my lost both my dad's in January. How crazy is that?!!  I mentioned in my last post that i also was diagnosed with pneumonia.  I think its gone but honestly i haven't been back to the Dr to check.  A week after Dad's funeral, on a Friday,Todd started complaining of some pain in his stomach area. That next Sunday morning he woke me up groaning and moaning loudly in bed. I shot out of bed and i took him to emergency room. He had a blocked gallbladder. Fast forward to the next Friday , he had surgery to remove the gallbladder.  So i was at a hospital pretty much the month of January it felt to me. 
The first week of February, i had to fly into Ohio to work the week at one of our centers there to do some training.  That week was kinda hard being alone every night in the hotel. I cried every night and couldn't stop thinking about Daddy. The weather was weird that week in Loveland. We had snow flurries for a whole day but none of it stuck. I was so happy to see my first snow of the year since Texas didn't get any.
Lots of changes at work and i didn't feel any stress with the merger happening until lately.  I cant really talk about it now but i hate to worry about work and that adds more stress.
Daddy was a musician and he played everything from rock to country.  Surprisingly , many songs on the radio right now trigger a memory and i have to change the station.  What I've been listening to lately is Christian music. I know that Dad didn't listen to those channels.  There a few songs that i have to skip through like I can Only Imagine by MercyMe. Oh no way will i listen to that right now!
I came across a band that i had never heard before by the name of Needtobreathe.  One day i used Shazam on a song and it was Brother. The next week i Shazamed another song and it was the same band but different song Multiplied.  Then i fell in love with song Something Beautiful. So i am really excited that i found this band and there are so many great songs by them.  Their sound reminds me of a rock band Kings of Leon.  What do you think?
So i wanted to share these with you. 

I have missed my blogging friends and i have missed blogging.  Ironically , almost 5 years ago i created this blog when Daddy first got sick with his lung disease. I did it as an outlet. I'm glad i did because your sweet comments and support have meant the world to me.  I am going to try to get back into regular routing again.  Much love and have a great weekend y'all!!