Monday, November 30, 2015

Thanksgiving this and that

Hey y'all! So did you survive Thanksgiving with your family? Mine was good for the most part. We spent the day with Todd's family and we had good day. That evening we were on our way to my Dads when Todd decided to start a huge fight with me.  So rest of the day was ruined but at least there were some good hours beforehand.  The bottom line is he's losing his patience with me. He says I've changed and he wants the old me back. I miss the old me too.  I called the Dr's from the list given to me and they told me to call back this week. Because of the holidays , most of them were closed most of the week.  So wish me luck I get an appointment scheduled.  I'm still crying every single day but it's quick and not all day. Yay for waterproof mascara!!
My brother-inlaw married his girlfriend last Monday. It was super sweet and I love her so much! Happy to have her in our family.  Friday night after thanksgiving, we went to see Blue October in concert. I bought the tickets in July and I was so excited.  The weather has been absolutely terrible this whole past week. It's rained every single day nonstop.  We have a lot of flooding around the area. The rain didnt slow down attendance to the concert at all. It was sold out and 3000 attended.   I had never seen them live but they're one of my favorite bands. 
Then early Saturday morning, I drove back to East Texas to spend the day with Nanny.  She looks so good y'all! Her face is healing and besides the small bandage on her nose, you'd never know she face planted into concrete 2 weeks prior.  She still having some pain in her arms but nothing like it was.  So she's improving there.  The only thing left besides her arms healing is getting her dentures fixed.  This alone has given me great stress.  Do any of y'all have that family member that you'd just rather avoid? 
After the accident, my uncle made an appointment for Nanny to get in last week and she would have her new ones the next day.  That is if she arrives for her appointment on time.  Nanny doesn't drive and never has and my uncle traveled out of state to visit my cousin Lauren. Unfortunately, my unreliable aunt ( who's never been on time a day in her life) was supposed to take Nanny to the appointment.  Yep, my selfish narcissistic self- centered aunt was almost 2 hours late. This meant that Nanny didn't get to have her new dentures. I'm getting so angry just thinking about it!!!  My stupid aunt caused Nanny to go over a week without teeth. Now you try to get thru Thanksgiving without teeth. Not only that but I know good n well, my aunt would have NEVER stand for not having her teeth a day but it's OK to make her mother go without.   It was just heart breaking to see my Nanny go without.  It was pouring rain, so she never left the house. I went and picked up 3 containers of soup for her to have from a local restaurant.  It made me heart and soul heal to spend the day with her.  I'm going again during Christmas.  Her next appointment is for tomorrow.  I hope my uncle takes her or makes arrangements not to trust my aunt again. 
So that's it for the last week.  
Paula had a gold Christmas tree and a basket of ornaments. All the guests signed an ornament and hung on the tree.  Cute idea! 

Thanksgiving selfie with Todd and my step kids.  Alli spent the night with us on Wednesday and we had a good time. Took her to get her cartilage pierced again on top of her ear. 

Blue October

We put up out tree last night but didn't decorate it yet. That will be this week. 
Again, thank you for all of you that stopped by and left well wishes on my blog.  Y'all are amazing and I'm so very blessed for every one of you!

One of my favorite songs from Blue October.  An old one but i love it.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Just a little Unwell

I made the first step.  I called our company EAP line.  I get 6 free counseling sessions once i can find a counselor in my area that can take new patients. They are not licensed to prescribe happy pills which is OK. I"m not sure if i am ready to be on Zoloft or any other happy pill just yet.  I used to wake up happy naturally.  I'm hoping it comes back.  If not, i am all about trying something that will help.   So  i'm close but havent got any help yet.
Update on Nanny, the last few days she felt worse and her face looks really bad.  Mostly its still the pain in her arms and hands. They still hurt to touch them and she cant pull up her blanket when she's sitting in her chair.  If it doesnt get better, my uncle is taking her to a neurologist to check for severe nerve damage.  She's in better spirits as of yesterday and one hand hurts a smidgen less than it has.
I still cry everyday.  I havent replayed the scenario over and over like before but it still happens.

Tuesday they tore up my guest bedroom and hallway to fix the hot water pipe that had hole in it.  My head is finally not vibrating from all the jackhammering that went on.  So loud and they shook the whole house.  Now someone has to come and replace the hardwoods and a chunk of drywall they cut out from the wall.  Once they do that, i can move all my stuff back into the bedroom.  I had to empty that room completely and so i have a clothes, dresser, nightstand, and a million other things you can cram into a spare room all spread out in our den, master bedroom and the other guest room.  I cant put up Christmas next weekend until i can get house in order.  Ugh!!!

My brother n law and sister n law are finally getting married this Monday.  I've called her sister-n-law forever so now it will be official.  I am driving to their house in Ft Worth tonight to help with last minute decorations for the ceremony.  That makes me happy to have something joyful to look forward to.

This song says it all for me right now and yall know that Matchbox 20 and Rob Thomas are one of my all time faves ever!

Friends,  Your comments from my last post meant everything to me.  They made me cry but they were tears of gratitude and blessings.  Hey,i'm going to cry anyways so why not over sweet friends.
Believe me when i tell you that your kindness, caring and support really are getting me through my days.  I read them over and over and i wonder how did i get so lucky that God crossed our paths.
Thank you!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Turning my head off

You guys, this post is going to be depressing. Just letting you know now.  I had a horrifying weekend and i cant seem to shake it. My mind plays the worst scene over and over and over and i cant turn my head off. I want to be able to delete scenes from my memory like we can delete bad photos from our phone.  My anxiety and stress are off the charts and Todd is calling our insurance today to looking into someone to talk to.  What happened to me? I used to be so incredibly strong. I could handle death and sadness and hard parts of life like a strong ship.  Now i feel like i am weak. I cry at the drop of a hat and i have very little patience around the house and have been short with Todd.

I drove out to Quitman to spend the day with my 88 year old grandma "Nanny". I try to go see her once a month no matter what.  Its a 2 hour drive door to door one way.  It was a beautiful day and we started off going to our favorite tea room and having breakfast.  Our goal was to find her a new rug for her living room.  Nanny loves going to garage sales and we stopped at 3 of them and bought soem fun stuff for both of us.  We stopped to get something to drink and we were heading to a store that she likes to go to. It was changing names and having a new Grand Opening and she had lots of coupons. We love going there together.   The shopping strip was in an L shape and on the opposite corner of the big store (Bealls now Stage), there was a boutique that we had never been into.  We went in and i bought a new t-shirt.  As we walked out, i said i would run to the car and throw my shirt in and meet her at the other store. I knew that i would be quick and would actually go meet her and walk with her.  There was a lady in the parking lot and as i turned around i saw her gasp and point and i turned i saw Nanny laying flat on her stomach on the concrete sidewalk.  Its this next moment that plays in slow motion over and over. I took off running and yelled to a lady to please call 911.  She had just done that as i was yelling.  Nanny is on blood thinners. This means there is enormous amounts of blood that you cant imagine.  Her nose was bleeding very fast and heavy and her mouth and her cheek was bleeding.  It was pooling in her mouth and under her in puddles. I couldnt tell if the injuries were internal. There was so much blood.  We told her to lay still and let the paramedics move her.  She was not unconscious but she was in shock. She could talk to me but barely.
A young man kept staring and i yelled at him to get me a towel.  Its funny now because he said Yes thats what i was going to do but he was motionless.  I was shaking all over. My mouth was shaking and my hands were shaking. I was doing the silent cry where my body was just shaking violently but not a sound out of my mouth.  Another lady had come to sit on ground with us.  She saw me crying and she put up her hand and said firmly- calm down ! Jesus has this!   (You gotta love small town Texas).  What seemed like forever the ambulance finally showed up.  The call to 911 was painful. They asked what seems like 100 questions. I know they were doing their job but its like they werent listening to us.  They told us to pinch the bridge of her nose to keep it from bleeding. Thats exactly where her glasses tore a chunk off her nose. I shook my head and mouthed to the lady holding the phone- I'm not going to do that!  The lady agreed and we told 911 yep we're doing it.  The paramedics turned her over and helped her sit up. Then they stood her up and belted her onto the stretcher bed. It was when they belted her that i lost it.  The rags and towels laid on the sidewalk soaked in blood.  The 2 ladies grabbed me and they started praying.  I heard some of the prayers but i didnt take my eyes off Nanny for one second.  The ladies were angels and i am so appreciative of them staying with me and praying with me and using their phone to 911.   As the ambulance closed the doors, the one lady said she will continue praying for us and she said i'm so glad she's going to be OK and her voice broke. She was strong for me but i think she was also holding her breath too and was so worried.  I dont know if i thanked her. I hope i did.   I followed the ambulance to the hospital and called Todd.  I was hysterical.  I just had to talk to someone. He offered to come and get me because he was worried about me driving.  I was OK running on adrenaline.
The hospital took Xrays and a Cat scan and they saw nothing broken.  She had bit through her lip in 2 places, tore her nose and her cheek.  Her palms were bruised and she had a tear on top of her hand. They bandaged her up and released her a few hours later. I took her home but she said her arms and hands hurt very very bad.  They hurt to the touch when i reached to hold her hand.  I got her home and called my uncle who lived nearby.  He is Nanny's guardian and protector. She moved out there to be closer to him ( he's the favorite-lol).  She could tell that her dentures on the top were split in half. Sure enough they came out in 2 places. He bought some super glue and had them fixed within an hour.  Enough to hold her until she could get new ones.  I finally left once Uncle James was there. She wouldnt let me spend the night and she wouldnt go home with him. She just wanted to sit in her recliner and rest.
I had nightmares all night and yesterday morning at 6:30 i replayed the image of Nanny laying face down in blood and i sobbed uncontrollably.  I skipped church because my eyes were swollen almost shut and i was still crying.  Then my mom called to tell me that Nanny was in so much pain she called Uncle James and said i need to go back to the hospital.  Yall- she NEVER willingly wants to go to hospital.  Never.  That tells me how uncomfortable she was and in pain.  Uncle James took her to a different hospital into Tyler and they saw some bone chips around her neck. She has a pinched nerve that is causing the pain in arms and hands.   She's home again from hospital.   I should have never left her! I should have said stay right here while i run my shirt to car. She has a bad foot that she has to be very careful of steps, etc.  The sidewalk just went at a sudden slope and she went down.  You could see how it sloped because her foot was still there on the ground.  She was finally feeling so good because she had been sick for a while.  I know i'm going on and on but Nanny is my love. She is our rock and matriarch of the family. She raised me off and on my whole life. I literally mean this when i say i wouldnt be where i am today without her.  I am equally close to her as i am my mom. They both raised me.  Nanny is precious and full of love.  She is now in so much pain and her face is bloody and swollen and it kills me.
To top things off , i have not mentioned on my blog lately because it was too hard. My dad is having problems with his new lungs and has been in and out of the hospital several times.  I cant talk about it right now.  I just cant.   Our hot water heater pipe busted under the house and i'm currently working from home today so i can pack and move what i can out of my office/guest bedroom.  They are going to jackhammer and go through the concrete and hard floors tomorrow.  That alone is giving me great anxiety.  The floors are over 150 degrees in that room and guest bathroom. It burns our feet if we go barefooted.  
So if you are even still here reading this whole post- i am sorry i am the biggest Eeyore Debbie Downer you can imagine.  If you know me than you know thats not me.  I want to be happy. I want to smile and love life and enjoy every precious moment God gave me.  I am blessed but super depressed.
My friends mean the world to me and have been so supportive.  I went to the Chris Cornell concert the weekend of Halloween.  It was amazing!!  He normally doesnt have anyone open up for him on his solo tour but he hand picked this young lady.  She was incredible.  She just came out on stage and belted out her heart acoustically.  I bought the CD and its on replay over and over.  Her real name is Christina or something like that but she sings under name Hemming.   I wanted to share this song with yall. I love it and its what is getting me through my hours and days.

Some of my friends have seen me cry
Some of my friends can tell when I am lying
And some of my friends don't know how hard I have tried
To make my amends to make up for lost time
Some of my friends make fun of my jokes
And some of my friends will spend their whole lives broke
Some of my friends live on the edge of their seats
As soon as they get somewhere they can't wait to leave
Some of my friends taught me how to be strong
And some of my friends don't know how to be alone
Some of my friends I may have just met
But they could turn into people that I never forget
Some of my friends yeah they drink too much
And some of my friends don't know who they want to love
Some of my friends keep on breaking my heart
Because some of my friends don't see how beautiful they are
Yeah and some of my friends are just wasting away
And some of my friends are gonna be famous one day
Some of my friends they’re gonna leave this town
Theyr’e gonna keep on running and never settle down
Some of my friends will never know who I am
Some of my friends were given more than one chance
Some of my friends put me up on a throne
The second I fall they run and leave me alone
Some of my friends will never know what home is
Some of my friends are gonna be married with kids
And some of my friends I'll never see again
But thank God they were there when I needed them.

Please pray for Nanny and for my peace of mind.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

I'm a loser, Baby!!

Yall!! My head is swimming.  The last 3 weeks have been a whirlwind that i just am trying to get my bearings.  To add to that, i've had a migraine for over a week.  It takes all i have to get through my day at work and i'm training classes so that takes more energy. When i get home i am a vegetable.  I still have my Holliween decorations all over the house and Thanksgiving is in 3 weeks.
Anyway i have so much to catch you up on my weeks and also i've been sucky on replying to your blogs.  Sorry.  I want to blog more and i will someday but my headache needs to go away.  Maybe that will be tomorrow or maybe next week.  I miss yall and i mean it!

                                            Head swimming round and round