2019 into 2020

I am waiting patiently for this day to be over because it marks the hardest year of my life to be behind me!  I wish all of you the Happiest New Year !!! Sending so much love and friendship your way . Cheers to 2020 being an awesome year for all of us.  I do hope to blog more to stay in touch with all of you amazing people.  I cant thank you enough for your encouraging words and support you've shown me . It quite literally saved my life at times when I couldn't breathe and barely lift my head.  I am slowly rising from the ashes and have support from friends and family to thank for that!!

Tis the Season

Hey everyone! First I want to let you guys know that for whatever reason, I cant comment in reply to yours. I've tried and tried and I don't understand what changed but it wont let me. I am so sorry because I genuinely read all your comments and appreciate them more than you know. I'll get it figured out!!
I've been really busy lately which is nice. I had 2 cookie exchange parties back to back Sunday's.  I'm definitely going to have to wear stretchy pants after the holidays.  Today was our work department potluck which is always fun. We always do white elephant game and I ended up with a Beanless Bag chair.  So random and not sure what to do with it. LOL

Its crazy that Christmas is next week. I definitely want it to go by quickly.  I'm ready for 2019 to be over!
I am off work after today until next Thursday so I wont be near my laptop.
I dont have any plans except going to mass with my stepmom on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas everyone!! I genuinely wish you all the best during this holiday and I am so grateful for your support you've given me these last few months.

Thanksgiving recap

Hello there. Yep its been a couple weeks since I posted last. I did have good intentions.  The holidays are seeming to be pretty rough so I’m just dealing with  a lot.  Thanksgiving was hard. I spent a few hours with family and then went home because I wasn’t good company. I did end up going to Walmart later that evening with a friend. We went after the huge rush and it was still a mad house. I will admit they had some great deals. I saw they had a small Tv for only 100$ on their flyer and of course those sold out fast. That would have been a good buy but I take it as a sign that I didn’t need one anyway. HAHA!   I did end up buying a new Hoover vacuum cleaner that has attachments for corners, etc.  I currently don’t have anything like that so I was happy with my purchase.  I also bought a Otter protective phone case. It was on sale for 20$ which normally sells for 40 $ or higher. I do drop my phone a lot and it already has quite a few cracks on the screen so any help I can get!

Did anyone else get Black Friday specials?  I bought a flash drive to get pictures off my phone on Cyber Monday but I didn’t get anything else. I don’t need anything else and I’m also trying to downsize stuff out of my house and garage.   I have someone coming over tonight to look thru my 10 Christmas tubs I’m selling.  I have TOO much stuff! I had a lot for inventory to sell in my winter junk show but I didn’t participate this year so its all got to go.   Cross your fingers they buy a Lot.  

Here is a random statement- I find a new drink I really like at Starbucks.  LOL!  A vanilla chai tea latte.   Its so good and its nice to have something different now.  Not that I go very often at all now. Cant afford it.  I used to go at least once a week during work days and every Sunday before church.  Now its maybe once a month.  That’s Ok- I drink a lot more coffee at home with my flavored creamers so all is good.  I also have been drinking my coffee only with creamer and no more splenda’s or sugars.   That’s a big change for me believe it or not.  Maybe in another 10 years I’ll graduate to just black coffee  but I’m not there yet.  

Another random thought, my friend bought me a dog DNA test for Lila for Christmas and I’m so excited!! I rescued her 5 years ago from death row at the pound and she was labeled as a chihuahua mix. I want to know the mix side.   

I hope you’re all having a good week.  I’ll be back soon!

Out and About

I've been leaving my house more. I went to the Blue October concert last month which was my first time to be out on a Saturday night since June.   Two weeks ago  I went to the movies with my cousin and saw Dr. Sleep  the sequel to The Shining. Last Sunday I went with roommate and saw The Joker .  Have you see The Joker? I really liked it. Its very dark and intense but so well done!  I normally only saw one or 2 movies at a theater a year. I think I just broke my record going 2 weeks in a row.
Last Saturday I went out with 2 other couples from church and went to see an AC/DC band called Back in Black.  They are so good and I had so much fun. It was my second time to really be out on a Saturday night at a bar venue with friends and I even had 2 margaritas.  Music is always a good way to get me out of house!!  I feel like I had 2 hours of the "old me" again smiling and dancing with my friends.  Then Sunday- BAM back to being sad and emotional.  SIGH.
I am truly dreading the holidays and will look forward to 2019 being over.  I've still had so many things go wrong lately around the house, my dogs, etc.  It just never ends.  I do still plan on making my hashbrown casserole that I do every year for Thanksgiving and I'm joining my cousin and her family.  I bought a new Christmas tree today.  It's 7 ft tall, prelit and its white.  I wanted to do something very different than I've done before.  A white tree is a good start. LOL.  I may put it up this weekend.
Is anyone traveling this next week and how far?  If I don't post next week, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Zach Williams is one of my favorite Christian singers. I've posted him before with Fear is a Liar.
Here is a song that he did with Dolly Parton.  I love it!
There was Jesus:

Halloween blues and broken heart

Its been a month already since my last post.  I'm sorry.  My life is hectic and going in too many directions. Unfortunately, blogging is the first to go to the side.  My stye is better. I opted out of not doing the mini-surgery and having it cut out.  The Dr said it will eventually go away and it is.

My air conditioner is still acting up. Its been 2 months at least that I've been dealing with that. I had to have it completely rewired from the outside AC unit up thru my attic.  They're coming back today to fine tune it.  I'll be glad to have it fixed once and for all. 

Halloween came and went.  It is still my favorite holiday but this year was not celebrated as I normally do.  I did put up a few decorations but very little and I put up one of my Halloween trees because it was easy to get to and it stays up thru Christmas.  I did come across a 6ft wolf skeleton that I bought for 75% off which was ended up only 12$.  My friends asked me about it the next day after they saw my post on Facebook and I said my heart may be broken but i'm not dead!!  I am not going to pass up a great Halloween deal like that even though this year it wont get used. LOL .

I only got 3 groups of kids of 10 total for trick or treaters. Its my 4th Halloween at my house and its never good. Sadly, I think next year I'm not going to bother to leave the light on and hand out candy.  My neighborhood doesn't get enough kids coming thru to make it worth it. 

Ordinarily I would be prepping for my junk show which is this weekend. I just didn't have enough time to prepare as a vendor. I'll go by and show my support to my friends but it will be so strange not to be a vendor. I do want to try for the April show though.  So that's it.  Of course a lot more but I cant really talk about.  I've been very blue and my anxiety has come back.   Life is just so hard.

I'm going to try to come back more regularly.  Its not that I don't want to.  I miss my blogging friends so much!

Going thru motions

So remember that stye i mentioned, yeah so i cant make this crap up, It turned into full on cellulitis and my left side of my face swelled. Had to go to Dr and get on 2 antibiotics- one oral and one a cream directly on my eye.  A week later, i saw a specialist who then prescribed me drops that i do 4 times a day.  Its embedded in my lower left eye and i have to get it sliced out next Tuesday.  Its a joy!  Last week my AC went out 2 Sundays ago to be exact and the soonest i could have repair was last Friday.  So for 6 days it was 85 to 89 degrees inside my home.  My pool pump also broke.  There was no cooling down in the pool because in the heat with no pump it turns into full on black lagoon. To add was a tight critical deadline at work and my roommate moving in on Saturday.
I  can only laugh. I told a friend that at any time i expected the plague of locusts to come and i'm ready.  When i feel i like i'm doing somewhat ok, i have a setback or 4.  My emotions are unsteady again and that's hard.  I still have cried every single day since June 16.  I am amazed my body can still produce tears but there is endless supply.
Its October now and i am debating on decorating like i usually do. I have a few things out but i just don't know.... For those who know me understand that i look forward to October and Halloween all year long and i genuinely get depressed on November 1.  I canceled my annual HOLLIWeen party. That was hard to do but i just get do it with all i have going on.  Maybe next year.
That's all for now.  Please send prayers and juju and light and whatever is good my way.

Another hard step

I'm still in rearranging mode in my home. I'm having to still make room for my roommate and stuff is everywhere.  I need closet space and my wedding dress was in a huge box after being preserved. My sister n law came over and told her i needed to get rid of it and i didn't want to bother trying to sell it. My first choice was to donate to Angel gowns.  This is an organization that creates baby burial gowns from donated wedding and formal dresses . They're given to families who have suffered the loss of a child before, during or shortly after birth.   They actually have so many donations that there was a waiting list for them accept your donation.
My next option was the successful one. There is a shop about 40 miles from the house called We're all about the Dress.  This is straight from google:
About us

"We want to make sure every military bride and every prom lady feels like a princess when they walk out of the store."

Our Mission
To provide free prom dresses for teenagers whose parents do not have the financial resources, an provide military and fire, police and EMT brides with free wedding gowns.
The Founder
Janie Tillery-Wood founded the non-profit project "We're All About the Dress" in 2008. During their first two years of operation, they expanded their services to cover not only Birdville Independent School District but the whole State of Texas.
In 2013, after the loss of her brother, a retired U.S. Navy Seal, Janie decided to give back to the military by offering wedding dresses and accessories to military personnel of all branches.
In 2016, Janie added police and fire officers and EMT brides  to our giving in honor of their service to our communities

When we called , they said they were only taking size 12 and up and to just come straight over . If if was smaller, they couldn't accept it .  Fortunately my dress met the standards and we jumped in my truck and arrived at 3:39 and they closed at 4.    It was a very emotional drive home.  That dress represented everything wonderful to me.    I pray it makes the next person feel like a princess and bask in the beauty of the dress.  I remember the day my friends and i went wedding dress shopping. One of the most special days of my life. When i put my dress on, everyone said immediately that this was the one!!  I tried on dozens but i went back to that one.    So now its gone.   There was no reason to hold onto it.  
Please send strength.

Almost laughable

So the crutches are exhausting and I've given up. I'm wearing the ankle brace and limping but cant do the crutches. I have to go everywhere with my cushion for my tailbone.  NOW i have a HUGE stye in my left eye. Yall it hurts soooo bad. It hurts to blink . My eye is so swollen that its halfway down my face.  It feels like someone punched me and they might as well.   I am beginning to wonder if someone doesn't have a Voodoo doll of me and currently there is a pin on my ankle, tailbone, back and face.  I dare to even think whats going to be next.  So sad that just a stye can make my head hurt and feel like crap but i do. I think its from not being able to see too well from my eye half swollen.  It must be really infected.  Why do something half-ass?!
I already told my boss that if it looks and feels this way tomorrow i have to go to Dr.  Please send good healing thoughts and for a protective bubble around me.  Yall its got to get better.  I have cried every single day and now i'm wondering if my tear duct is revolting against me!!
Have a great rest of your week.  I am putting a hot paper towel as a compress on my eye at the moment.....

Cant catch a break

Hey yall, so i didn't post last week at all. I had a trillion things to get done in preparation of my estate sale all while being injured. So August 31 ( Labor Day weekend) was my wedding anniversary. I woke up crying and knew it would be a hard day.  Two of my good friends came to spend the day with me. Our plans were to go eat lunch,  buy a new TV and then tackle my house to get more organized and stuff put out for sale. We managed to eat lunch and went to Walmart and i bought a new TV ( my old one kept humming real loud and i couldn't watch anything).  We got back to the house to drop off TV and my friend Debbie was working on my pool pump and changing the timer. I was going to see her do it and as i walking stepping down the 2 concrete steps, my left foot twisted while my right foot was in air stepping down. My legs went right out from underneath and i slammed into my steps. My ankle instantly swelled to size of grapefruit and i busted my tailbone .   The only blessing to this was that my other friend that was there used to be head nurse for major hospital in Dallas in the ER for over 20 years and she's now on an elite Trauma team at a different hospital. She knew what to do immediately.  My ankle is not broke but my muscle/tendon is strained. My tailbone could be cracked but i opted out of xray because there's nothing they can do it for anyway and so why spend money i don't have.  Needless to say i lost all that day including the following day to ice my ankle and sit in recliner.  I went to lunch with friend on Monday and i'm  using crutches. I am SUPPOSED to stay off my ankle but this happened 5 days before my estate sale.  SUCKS so bad!! My tailbone hurts the worst. It hasn't improved in the slightest and i had to buy a special pillow off Amazon to use while i work.  I bought a cheap inflatable donut from Walmart and it had a leak in it so its trash.

I just tried attaching picture and i got error that it cant copy over so not sure why.  :(
My sale was for last Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I sold a lot but i have so much stuff that i still needed to sell much more. On Saturday it was 103 and just too hot for people to want to shop and dig. I totally get it but i may need to do another sale in the early spring.  All in all though, i'm happy with what i made. Everything i sold is just that less i have to box up these next few weeks.  Since my whole life fiasco started, I've had big projects to focus on. I first needed to clear out my storage with all my inventory and get it to my house. That took a few weeks to get done. Then was to focus on setting up and going thru all tubs to get ready for the sale. Now that sale is over, i have to focus on getting all the shelves and inventory out of 2 guest bedrooms for my roommate to move in end of month.  Its a lot to do but i like keeping super busy with end results.  
So that's it for now. My house is chaos and i'm slowly putting things back to where they belong and packing up the guest rooms.

Hope you're having a nice week so far.

Downsizing

I am having an estate sale next weekend - September 5,6,and 7. I've got to downsize and sell as much as i can. I need the money and i need the space. I'm selling my side business with all my vintage and antique goods.  I have to get a roommate in October and i have a friend from church that is seriously considering it which will be great.
The sale is whats kept me focused and super busy these last 10 weeks. I had to get all my inventory and stuff out of storage and in my garage and back bedroom. Then I've had to go thru all my holiday tubs to select what i'm keeping and selling. I've got tables set up in my house and stuff all over. It does look like a bomb went off in my house.
I have sooooo much to do but it has been good to keep me busy and distracted.  I am anxious to get it over so i can start putting my house back together.  I discussed with my potential roommate what my plans were if many of my things sell and luckily i can use a lot of her furniture which makes her happy.
I sure wish all of you were local. I need to sell it all and i have SOOOOO much!
So , this Saturday will be our wedding anniversary and so i am super sad and anxious for the upcoming weekend. Please say a little prayer for me.  I've gone thru some tough dark moments and i don't want to spiral down in depression again.
This past weekend, a friend of mine flew in from Chicago to visit me and we rearranged my master bedroom. We moved the bed against another wall and i bought a new comforter set for the bed. Its a cranberry purple pink color and i love it! The changes made me feel good.
When he left, he took the iron and ironing board which was not big deal because he ironed much more than i did. However it is nice to have for the occasion you DO have something to iron. I bought an iron from Walmart but i stopped at salvation army yesterday to do a dropoff of some bags i'm donating and decided to go into the shop. I found a perfect green metal ironing board that was marked 7.99 and had blue tag on it. It happened to be the week of blue tags and things were half off.  So yay for me on my 4$ ironing board! Now i just need to buy a cover and pad for it.

I miss all of you and i'm sorry i haven't been visiting your blogs. I do hope and pray for me to see light and to get to place i can breathe and visit with you.  Please don't give up on me.

One minute at a time

Stronger- Sara Evans

Oceans

This song gives me strength.  My panic/anxiety has been thru the ceiling these past 2 weeks. I'm still here, barely standing.  I will survive.

Fear

It just keeps getting worse.   I'm struggling.  I am moving through a fog - so numb.  Please please pray for me.

Still taking it day by day - sometimes by the hour

I am the fire- Halestorm

Deconstruction

Blogger is public so i cant really air too much of my dirty laundry here. As much as i would like to pour my heart out here and tell you everything that is going on, i cant. Not yet. Not until dust has settled and lawyers aren't involved.
Just please pray for me - send good juju- whatever good you believe in- i desperately need it!!
On Friday, i took apart my brooch bouquet that i walked down the aisle with.  As some of you may remember from years ago, i asked my friends and family to give me a brooch so they could all be apart of the wedding and could walk down the aisle with me , especially for those out of state that were not able to make it.
Looking at it everyday was painful. The good news is that i have all the brooches in a jar and can wear them now and use them.  It was hard to take apart but too hard to leave intact.

When I'm gone

My newest favorite song right now. A new band out of LA called Dirty Honey.
Music is my therapy right now as it always has been.....

Cant talk right now

Fat girl cruising

Hey yall, how’s your week going so far? Its been good so far. Todd is out of town and I’ve been just laying low binge watching Grace andFrankie on Netflix.   Have you guys seen this series? Its so funny! I’m only on season 3 and there are 5 seasons so I’m midway through.  Its about 2 ladies who were married to their husbands for 40 years then turns out the husbands are in love with each other.  Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin really do a great job in their characters. I’m not sure how many seasons will continue but I hope to get caught up by end of week.

This Sunday, I leave to go on my cruise with my family.  I’m so bummed that Todd cant go but I’m also looking forward to spending time with my stepmom Deb. My grandmother ( Dads mom) Mimi bought EVERYONE this cruise. She has always loved going on cruises and she and Deb had not been on a cruise since Daddy passed 3 years ago. Mimi is 91 years old and honestly she’s not in the best health condition. This is a big deal for all of us to be together. A few of my cousins cant make it but most everyone is going including all their kids.   We set sail from Galveston, TX and our ports will be Roatan, Honduras, Playa Costa Maya and Cozumel, Mexico.  We’re going on Royal Caribbean which is fun for me because I’ve only been on Carnival cruises.

Truth is I don’t have much “vacation money” set aside because of my Amsterdam trip. This cruise was sprung on the family in March with the dates set for June . I’m totally Ok with just getting off the boat and hanging out on beach for free. I really just want to sit on the sand and hear the ocean.   I do have to be very brutally honest at the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat.  I’ve never really been very close to this side of the family.  In fact, it wasn’t until my Dad had his double lung transplant 5 years ago, that Mimi started being kind to me.  My family is very judgey and into appearance 100%.  One of my aunts is also in the same mean girls club .  Both are very Unforgiving of me being Plus-sized.  My aunt actual told me one time when I was with my ex boyfriend that the reason why we were having some relationship issues is because “he’s probably disappointed in my weight gain and men don’t like that”.  Mimi told me a few years ago that “she just couldn’t get used to me being so heavy”.   SOOOOO, while I should be over the moon excited to go on a free cruise, my anxiety level has been over the moon stressed.  I’m going to start tonight picking out my outfits to pack and making sure they’re as flattering as possible.  I cant cancel now. I didn’t buy the insurance and its non-refundable. I want to go. I want to create new happy memories with this side of the family. I am happy I was included because they’ve had family cruises in the past that I wasn’t invited to.   Its just , I am the ONLY fat family member on this side.  THE ONLY ONE. Not even a chubby kid is in the family.  I know all of you know someone who when they see you- they will literally look at you from top to bottom taking everything in on what you’re wearing and how it looks on you. Well I have a few of those going on this trip.  I love my grandma and my aunts. I want to show them that i have a loving and forgiving heart. I want to have a friendship with Mimi. 

I PRAY it goes well and that I didn’t waste an entire weeks’ vacation to be criticized. I am going with open mind and open heart. I want to come back suntanned and loving memories to share with yall.  One thing is I do make friends easy so I may just have to go find a fun crowd and hang out with them. Haha!  Its sad that I want to ask yall to send me luck and prayers while im on vacation. 

I wish the Blogger app didn’t sink because I could post while on ship but it went away.  I’ll post when I get back. It’s a 10 day cruise so I return home on the 16^th.

On another subject, one of my favorite bands Blue October is coming to Dallas in October and I bought tickets for that this week! YAY!!!!

Take care and have a great week- I miss yall already!

My rocknroll weekend and tornadoes

My weekend- Saturday morning i picked up my niece and went to garage sales. I totally scored on some vintage Christmas items!! I got that awesome Christmas tree that is narrow for a window sill from an estate sale. Then the next stop, I came across this box of vintage hand blown glass ornaments that are 2 layers in the box. Yall i got for 2$ on those ornaments.  I also grabbed some old silver items for my Steampunk party for Holliween.  I also bought a bumper boat raft that goes in the pool for 2$! It was originally 160$, then had a clearance sale price of 57$ from Macy's and i paid 2. Yay!! My nieces had fun playing with it on Memorial Day when they came over. I wish there would have been 2 of them. It does a good reverse and you can steer it. 

 The BFD concert was a long lineup of bands : The Dirty Nil, Glorious Sons, Bad Wolves, Thrice, LIVE, In this Moment, Seether, and Shinedown.  We missed the first 3 bands because Todd didn't want to go down there in the heat all day. I did want to see Bad Wolves but it was a good compromise because we still got to see 5 bands.  It was soooo fun!! We went to this event 3 years ago when Shinedown was headlining then.  I was not too familiar with Thrice but i ended up liking them. There were people that knew every word to their songs so they were popular.  Live was of course excellent and one of the main reasons i bought the tickets. That was my 3rd time to see them and i saw Ed Kowalcyk when he was solo.   In this Moment was a shocker. They were very much all about the theatrical side and WOW did they!! Truthfully, i wasn't a fan of them live but have since listened to them on Spotify and i like many of their songs. The singer is female and she's a screamer.
Seether was flipping AWESOME and i would definitely see them again !!  Shinedown never disappoints and they were the headliner for a reason. Great stage performance - lots of fire and lights, etc.  I just really enjoy them and pretty much like every song they do.  It was a great concert and i got my moneys worth!

Oh did i mention i got a tattoo our last day in Amsterdam? I got a raven for my mom. When she turned 50 she got a raven tattoo, i was going to do the same last year when i turned 50 but didn't quite make it.  I am so happy with it! 

Our gardenia bush that smells amazing the second you open the back door. I am so happy to have it! 

Yesterday, we were under Severe weather and tornado alerts in our area. My supervisor came running out of her office and told all of us to head home now because it was heading our way. Some funnels had already been seen and wasn't sure if they were going to touch down. A few minutes from home, the radio broadcast told exact times that the weather was hitting our area. It was 2:07 on my clock and the storm was going to be over our house at 2:20. The alert said clearly to Take Cover!! I rushed home and let dogs out of kennel and we ran outside in the rain so they could take potty break. I was yelling Hurry Hurry hurry!! Then we ran into house and i scooped them up and got into bathtub.  The dogs were so good and they could tell something was up. They didn't fuss and try to jump out .  Once it passed over- we had thunder and sideways rain, we got out.  Todd is in New York and Jersey this week on business. They too were under tornado watch. 

Everything is Ok at our house. Just debris and leaves to pick up but no damage. Unfortunately, the tornado hit down an hour east of us and tore things up pretty bad. They got hit last year too so its so sad.  I saw today that the US has had over 500 tornados in the last 30 days. yikes!! 

Stay safe!!

Castles and stuff

Hey my lovely peeps!! How is everyone? I didn't get to visit a single blog this week and i'm just skidding in on making my post for the week.  Its been crazy busy in graduation season. My stepdaughter graduated high school this past Wednesday night. I have a wedding and 2 more graduations to make in this next week. I am soooo ready for this long weekend!! We're chilling tonight and eating leftovers and watching Dateline. That's usually our Friday night routine and i'm more than Ok with it. Tomorrow we're going to a swimming party at some friends house and eating tacos so that makes me happy. Sunday, we're going to be at that all day music fest concert that i'm soooo excited about. The top 3 headliners are Live, Seether, and Shinedown. I know i mentioned recently in one of my posts.  Monday, chilling in our pool and my cousin and her family are hanging out with us. That's my weekend plans.  Do yall have anything fun planned?
I thought i would wrap up with more Amsterdam pictures.  On one of our day tours, we went to Haarlem which happens to be the original Harlem and its what ours in NYC is named after. Haarlem is also where Corrie Ten Boom hid Jews from the Nazis.  We didn't get to tour that but it was cool to see the building where it happened. There were some buildings that dated back to the 13th and the 14th century.  That blows my mind!! That's the kind of stuff we enjoyed seeing and experiencing while in a different country.
We also toured a castle called Kastle De Haar.  The original castle was around 1391 and it eventually burned down. It was rebuilt in 1892. It had a beautiful church on the property that we didn't get to tour but a wedding had just taken place there a few days prior.  How cool would that be?!!  I  have always wanted to visit a castle in Europe so i can scratch that off my bucket list.
So here are a lot of pictures.

Please be safe this Memorial Weekend.