Into March

February is gone and I don't miss it at all.  February 25 was the one year anniversary of my grandma passing and 23 years that my grandpa died.  I miss Nanny so much!! I posted about her often . She raised me more than my mom did. She was my world.  I never really had time to grieve her passing when my marriage fell apart and took over my feelings.
I have been doing OK trying to stay busy and get back into a "normal" routine.  Then the last 2 weeks, the dark cloud came back and I was severely depressed. Had another anxiety attack last week that was awful.  Sucks so bad yall!! I hate it.  I'm OK today.  I have more good days than bad.
I have been super busy at work which makes me so happy to stay busy and times goes quickly.
I early voted last week, went to Ash Wednesday with some friends and even donated blood at our Blood drive we had at work.
Home ownership is still so fun (ugh). I have rats and/or squirrels in my attic so I had to have an exterminator come by last Friday and plug up any holes they saw and left some traps in the attic.  They really only come in when we have the cold snaps and we had some low temps last week. They brought their friends and I could hear them running all above my head in master bedroom.
My pool is still broke and its a process to try to pinpoint where the leak is.  Its also a very expensive process.  Joy to the World!!
So something I did that was surprising even to me, I went to a gym last week with a friend. HAHA! I had not stepped into a gym in over 8 years.  I got stuck on one of the machines which is hysterical because I didn't know where there was a latch to release the machine to work out your legs. My friend took a picture of me while I was stuck before she helped me get out of it.  I deleted the picture or I would have shared with yall.  I need to get into shape. For so many reasons. Health primarily but now that i'm single again in my 50's- I cant be a fat blob anymore.  I have dozens of gyms around me so I just need to find the one that fits my budget and I feel comfortable in.
I'm still having lots of issues with Blogger.  I still cant reply to your comments which make me so sad because I read all of them. I also cant comment when I visit your blogs.  I feel like a stalker because I see you but I cant reply.  LOL!!  Just please be patient because I've got to get it figured out.

So here is one of my favorite songs on radio right now .  Its a cover song by Five Finger Death punch featuring Kenny Wayne shepherd and Brian May from Queen and Brantly Gilbert who's a country artist.  Its So good!!

Halloween blues and broken heart

Its been a month already since my last post.  I'm sorry.  My life is hectic and going in too many directions. Unfortunately, blogging is the first to go to the side.  My stye is better. I opted out of not doing the mini-surgery and having it cut out.  The Dr said it will eventually go away and it is.

My air conditioner is still acting up. Its been 2 months at least that I've been dealing with that. I had to have it completely rewired from the outside AC unit up thru my attic.  They're coming back today to fine tune it.  I'll be glad to have it fixed once and for all. 

Halloween came and went.  It is still my favorite holiday but this year was not celebrated as I normally do.  I did put up a few decorations but very little and I put up one of my Halloween trees because it was easy to get to and it stays up thru Christmas.  I did come across a 6ft wolf skeleton that I bought for 75% off which was ended up only 12$.  My friends asked me about it the next day after they saw my post on Facebook and I said my heart may be broken but i'm not dead!!  I am not going to pass up a great Halloween deal like that even though this year it wont get used. LOL .

I only got 3 groups of kids of 10 total for trick or treaters. Its my 4th Halloween at my house and its never good. Sadly, I think next year I'm not going to bother to leave the light on and hand out candy.  My neighborhood doesn't get enough kids coming thru to make it worth it. 

Ordinarily I would be prepping for my junk show which is this weekend. I just didn't have enough time to prepare as a vendor. I'll go by and show my support to my friends but it will be so strange not to be a vendor. I do want to try for the April show though.  So that's it.  Of course a lot more but I cant really talk about.  I've been very blue and my anxiety has come back.   Life is just so hard.

I'm going to try to come back more regularly.  Its not that I don't want to.  I miss my blogging friends so much!

Oceans

This song gives me strength.  My panic/anxiety has been thru the ceiling these past 2 weeks. I'm still here, barely standing.  I will survive.

Fat girl cruising

Hey yall, how’s your week going so far? Its been good so far. Todd is out of town and I’ve been just laying low binge watching Grace andFrankie on Netflix.   Have you guys seen this series? Its so funny! I’m only on season 3 and there are 5 seasons so I’m midway through.  Its about 2 ladies who were married to their husbands for 40 years then turns out the husbands are in love with each other.  Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin really do a great job in their characters. I’m not sure how many seasons will continue but I hope to get caught up by end of week.

This Sunday, I leave to go on my cruise with my family.  I’m so bummed that Todd cant go but I’m also looking forward to spending time with my stepmom Deb. My grandmother ( Dads mom) Mimi bought EVERYONE this cruise. She has always loved going on cruises and she and Deb had not been on a cruise since Daddy passed 3 years ago. Mimi is 91 years old and honestly she’s not in the best health condition. This is a big deal for all of us to be together. A few of my cousins cant make it but most everyone is going including all their kids.   We set sail from Galveston, TX and our ports will be Roatan, Honduras, Playa Costa Maya and Cozumel, Mexico.  We’re going on Royal Caribbean which is fun for me because I’ve only been on Carnival cruises.

Truth is I don’t have much “vacation money” set aside because of my Amsterdam trip. This cruise was sprung on the family in March with the dates set for June . I’m totally Ok with just getting off the boat and hanging out on beach for free. I really just want to sit on the sand and hear the ocean.   I do have to be very brutally honest at the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat.  I’ve never really been very close to this side of the family.  In fact, it wasn’t until my Dad had his double lung transplant 5 years ago, that Mimi started being kind to me.  My family is very judgey and into appearance 100%.  One of my aunts is also in the same mean girls club .  Both are very Unforgiving of me being Plus-sized.  My aunt actual told me one time when I was with my ex boyfriend that the reason why we were having some relationship issues is because “he’s probably disappointed in my weight gain and men don’t like that”.  Mimi told me a few years ago that “she just couldn’t get used to me being so heavy”.   SOOOOO, while I should be over the moon excited to go on a free cruise, my anxiety level has been over the moon stressed.  I’m going to start tonight picking out my outfits to pack and making sure they’re as flattering as possible.  I cant cancel now. I didn’t buy the insurance and its non-refundable. I want to go. I want to create new happy memories with this side of the family. I am happy I was included because they’ve had family cruises in the past that I wasn’t invited to.   Its just , I am the ONLY fat family member on this side.  THE ONLY ONE. Not even a chubby kid is in the family.  I know all of you know someone who when they see you- they will literally look at you from top to bottom taking everything in on what you’re wearing and how it looks on you. Well I have a few of those going on this trip.  I love my grandma and my aunts. I want to show them that i have a loving and forgiving heart. I want to have a friendship with Mimi. 

I PRAY it goes well and that I didn’t waste an entire weeks’ vacation to be criticized. I am going with open mind and open heart. I want to come back suntanned and loving memories to share with yall.  One thing is I do make friends easy so I may just have to go find a fun crowd and hang out with them. Haha!  Its sad that I want to ask yall to send me luck and prayers while im on vacation. 

I wish the Blogger app didn’t sink because I could post while on ship but it went away.  I’ll post when I get back. It’s a 10 day cruise so I return home on the 16^th.

On another subject, one of my favorite bands Blue October is coming to Dallas in October and I bought tickets for that this week! YAY!!!!

Take care and have a great week- I miss yall already!

Meditation /Yoga

So , show of hands how many of you meditate and/or do yoga?  I suffer from great anxiety. It’s a new thing for me as of last 3 years.  Its been getting worse- I’m sure it has nothing to do with what all life has dealt me in the last few years.  I genuinely want to get into yoga and true deep meditations.  I have my own version of meditating where I’ll just sit alone and close my eyes and take deep breaths.  When its not so hot or pouring down rain, I like to walk outside to my back patio and I stare into my pool. When I was in California, I can get lost in just watching the waves and the ocean come in. Its therapeutic to me.  I feel I have a good start to learning meditation. I’ve been to a yoga class one time. It was a few years ago and I had a free pass for 2 nights in a row and then that was all.  Mostly because it wasn’t close to where I lived or worked so it was inconvenient to join that yoga studio.  However, I enjoyed it. In fact, I am not a sleeper and when I did yoga for those 2 nights, I slept SOOO good!  And yet here I am years later with insomnia and stress.  I need to find a place local that will help this 50something woman start from scratch on yoga and meditations.

I captured all these sayings from Pinterest.  They are helpful minus not able to pronounce some of those positions. Haha!

Do you have any helpful tips on meditation or yoga? I would love to hear what helped you.  A friend of mine suggested finding a guided meditation app and having someone walk me through it. I am going to do that . I am open to your suggestions.  What do you do to calm yourself ?   If I only I could just move to the ocean…….

Busy times...

Tis the season to have sooo many things going on.  So my junk show last weekend ended up being much better than I anticipated and I am very happy about it. I just didn’t have time to prepare like I normally do and be completely ready. I had a huge project that I thought would be my “money maker” for the show and I didn’t even get to touch it. Now I have to wait until next year to do because I already bought the supplies and its Christmas related.  Oh well!! Maybe I’ll do them next month and have them done so not to worry about it later.  Todd always helps me take down and load up my trailer after the show.  He even commented on fast and easy it was to tear down and lot less to load so he was happy with my show as well.  My in-laws drove out to see me at the show which always warms my heart because it’s almost an hour aaway from them and they got lost this time due to some detours.  My friend Wendy also came who has never missed one of my shows.  I love my support system!!

This was one side of my booth

After the show, we had to rush to go to our friends Christmas pajama party.  I, of course, found some Grinch pajamas for Todd and I because that’s one of my fave themes. For anyone new to my blog, I have a whole collection of Grinch stuff for a Grinch display every year in my home for Christmas.  I really love The Grinch and have since I was a kid.

The party was a great time AND I won a gift card for best Pj’s costume.  Truth is , there was a tie between me and one of the neighbors dressed as a deer and we had to play rock, paper, scissors ( we cheated and kept doing the same thing) and then had to guess a number between one and twenty and I won.  LOL

Now that the show is over ,I can focus on decorating my house but to be honest, I am throwing in the towel. We have our tree up and decorated and its beautiful. I usually deck the halls, the mantle, the front room, and anywhere else and I have so many fun awesome Christmas decorations but I’m losing my steam.  I think just being so behind this year I’m starting to get anxiety and I just cant do it. I don’t have it in me. I just mentioned this today to Todd, I think I want to put all the tubs back in the attic and just stick with whats already out.  It will still look a little festive and that just needs to be enough. I did manage to replace my doll heads with ornaments and small bottle brush trees in my gumball machine though. I am glad I was able to get that done before I lost my steam.  I have 2 inflatables I need to get up in my yard and put some lights around our front door this week and that’s it.  How about you? Have you ever just called it quits because something was looming over you and the fun went out the window?

I’m taking this Friday off to go hang out with a friend at McKinney square which will help get me back in the spirit again. I try to go every year and see all the fun decorations and stuff. I’m looking forward to that and then just relaxing this weekend.  We shall see ….  We don’t sit still well. haha

A little bit going on

Soooo, I am going to keep it short today.  My anxiety has anxiety this week.
My little boy dog Jax is really sick.  We have taken him to the vet yesterday and he's on medication but I don't see a lot of improvement.  We're going to give it all day today with medication since it was only half day yesterday on meds and then tomorrow decide the next move - probably a full blood check which is very expensive.  Yall, I brought him Jax when he was just old enough to leave his mother. He's my little boy and when you see it in his eyes how awful he feels, I break.  I've cried everyday.  I don't know what he got into and what caused this.  My little girl Lila is fine and she's the one that eats dead animals every chance she can and kills rabbits daily. Anyway, I am very very stressed about Jax and would appreciate any healing prayers.
Then to add to the mix, our air conditioner is on the fritz and wont cool down past 78.  It was 107 yesterday and the heat triggers my migraines.  Crying triggers my migraines. We have someone coming tomorrow between 1 and 7 pm to look at the air conditioner.
I am so much to be thankful for but depression is a crappy thing.  I can still sit here and feel sorry for myself even though I have blessings all around me.
I'll mention in later post about my hit and run I was involved in last Saturday.  I am Ok and my truck has a long scrap but still!!!! So sucks!
Here is a song that I've been listening to on repeat this morning.  I really like it.

Zach Williams- Fear is a liar

"I" Introduction

Good morning y'all!  I also took today off from work so that I can could have another day to unpack.  I have broke down dozens of boxes but I look around and it seems as if I made zero impact  at all.  Trouble with downsizing, is that you have too much stuff with no time to decide what stays and goes.  Lots of anxiety going on!! 

Anywho, I need to get my quick post out so I can get back to unpacking and I thought I would introduce myself. 

My name is Holli and I recently got married 3 years ago in August.  My hubs name is Todd and we've been together for 5 years. The funny thing is that the whole cliche of marrying my best friend really did happen. We were best best friends for 17 years when we decided to give a go.  I wish I could tag my posts about us but I'm blogging from my phone app. 

I live in suburb of Dallas , Texas.  I was born in Dallas in May of 1968. 

I have 2 step kids - a boy and a girl and I have 2 furry kids - a boy and a girl. Jax and Lila live with us and the human kids live with their mother. 

We just bought a house this past Friday and it's been crazy.  

I work full time for a distribution company  as a corporate trainer. This year in September will be 21 years there.  We are in process of being in huge merger that was announced last year but it takes time to combine 2 companies with different systems and processes.  

I ride a Harley. Was raised on motorcycles my whole life and Todd rides too. Lately, I've been riding on the back with him but I'm thinking of buying a new bike ( trike).  We've gone to Sturgis the last 2 years and I went another time 12 years ago ( before Todd). 

My most amazing sweet Daddy just recently passed away in January and I'm still shaken to my very core.  

About 5 months ago, something snapped inside of me and I have depression and anxiety like never ever before. I feel broken and I can't handle stressful things like I used to.  I've cried everyday during this move and I hate myself afterwards.  Who am I? I used to be a rock and fiercely independent . 

I am addicted to Starbucks but of course cutting back to twice a week since moving is so expensive! 

I use explanation marks too much.

I am a quarter Choctaw Indian. My grandfather was full blooded.  

I still have both my grandmas and they are both 89.  

My little sweet mom suffers from terrible chronic disease Lupus .  I will blog about that on my letter L. 

I have a brother Jeremy that lives in Oklahoma with his wife and my 2 nieces.  

I have a stepbrother Draeger and stepsister Rachelle who both live in Northern California with their girlfriend and husband and my other 2 nieces. 

I love music more than anything outside of family and friends. We go to a lot of concerts and my music preferences are all over genres. Country and rock and Christian are the ones I listen to daily though. 

My imagination is very creative.  My mom said it's from loving to read since a very early age.  My dreams are crazy technicolor dreams and I really should write them down sometime. 

I love the Lord! I am strong in my faith and I post inspirational quotes quite a bit here. However, I have close friends that are of different nationalities and religions and I respect that. I don't like being forced anything in my face and would not do that to you either. 

Mexican food is my favorite. I could seriously eat tacos everyday.  

I am procrastinating going back to unpacking so I better run.  Have a great Monday y'all!!! 

My brother Jeremy and me

Daddy, me, Todd, and Mom

My aunt Brenda on dads side, my Incredible stepmom Deb and me.