Debbie

So last week ( Wednesday)  I had another funeral. This time it was a member of my family.  I lost my Aunt Debbie.  She passed very unexpectedly and a day before her 72 birthday.  She leaves behind my 3 cousins and their kids as well as her husband.  I have so so many fun and awesome memories with her. Growing up she was my favorite aunt because I spent a lot of time at her house. My cousin is only 10 months younger than me so we pretty much grew up together.  Unfortunately over the years, we didn’t see eye to eye on so many things and we were estranged.  I can tell you that it’s a very weird and strange feeling to lose someone that you once were So close to and then not.  I grieve and miss the aunt I had with the fond memories I have.  I hurt for my cousins that lost their mom.   My cousins daughters were very very close to their grandmother and my heart goes out to them .   I am at 3 funerals this year and still only in February. 

The only good part of funerals is seeing your family and one of my cousins lives in London. He just flew home today but obviously we don’t get to see him often and I love every minute I can spend with him.  I got to have dinner with him and family last night and I’ll take what I can get.
Friday is Valentines so of course i'm not looking forward to that AT ALL!! Still going thru many "firsts" as a divorced woman.   Joy to the World!!

Love Reunited and it hurts so bad

Ok, I am going to try to make this post as legible as possible.  My heart is broken in a million pieces and i'm still numb.  My precious sweet Nanny passed away on Monday , February 25. Now, do you want to hear something I couldn't begin to make up in this universe? My grandpa Poppy - her husband- passed away on February 25, 22 years ago.  So YES, they both died on the exact same day but years apart.
So I cant remember if I had mentioned that this last year since September, we had to go to Hell and back to try to get her approved for Medicaid. She had gotten really sick in September and the Dr's wouldn't release her to live alone again. So Nanny went into a rehab for 4 months and it was wonderful. Then they couldn't keep her forever so she had to move next door into the adjacent nursing home. We really wanted her to go to the assisted living center that was in near her hometown and that's when the battle began with Medicaid to approve her assisted living. She got approved during the Federal shutdown which meant her paperwork got pushed aside.  Fast forward and 4 weeks ago, she got approved and moved into her new place. Nanny was so excited and that's what gave her something to look forward to the whole time she was in the nursing home.  My uncle and his wife got her new place decorated with all the things she wanted from her apartment  and looking good.
My cousin and my nieces were going to ride with me and we were going to visit her and see her new place this past Saturday.  Then Friday, she wasn't feeling very well and had thrown up.  We thought just a bug or virus.  A home health nurse came by and her blood pressure was very low so she thought it would be good idea to send her to hospital to check all her vitals to be safe.  They ended up putting her in ICU because of her age.  That's when they realized her kidneys weren't functioning at all and she had pneumonia.  Her only option to survive this was to go through dialysis. She had done that a few times before and it was really hard on her. She hated it !!  Nanny called it the morgue because it was really cold when they would take her for dialysis. She said she would never do that again so she refused.  And that's when we knew she wouldn't be going home.
She was moved into a beautiful hospice center Sunday afternoon so she could pass with dignity and peace and not a ugly scary sterile hospital room with wires and beeps and people poking and prodding her every minute.  I'll have to do another post on the hospice place because it was so great!!
Of course, no one even Dr's can say when she will Go but they estimated her lasting a few days. I KNEW in my heart that GOD would take her Monday knowing what day it was.  How could he not?!!  It was the anniversary of her losing the love of her life.  I prayed for it.  The waiting is the most excruciating part. Its when I get selfish and impatient. If I cant have her, then please take her now.  And so HE did.
My grandparents were very involved in motorcycle clubs. They had lots of matching outfits and were all so dang cute!! She rode with him for so many years.  We imagined Poppy on his Harley , engine on, revving it up waiting for her to jump on the back and take her for the Ride of her Life through the streets of Heaven.
I will have more to say because I have years and years of stories about my sweet precious Nanny. She was our matriarch and we are very lost without her.  I am grateful for her 91 years and I could have never imagined her leaving us on the day that was already so hard for us but I take comfort that she's with Poppy.

Can I just point out how smoking hot she was!!  The OG Biker chick!

Random crap

Its been a loooong week!  If there was a chance for things to go wrong this week , they did. For real- the list is long and I was going to share then decided to delete everything because I was a whiny baby and no one wants to read that crap! I lost a cousin this week and funeral is next week and I've had a severe asthma flare up with 2 visits to Dr's.  That was just part of the fun .
So most of all you know how much I love Halloween and I host a large party with theme every year. I usually announce the theme for next year during the previous year so they can get their costumes on sale or have a year to prepare.  This year's theme is  Steampunk.  After Christmas I went to At Home ( do yall have those- used to be called Garden Ridge), and their Christmas stuff was on clearance. I was so excited that they had 5 glass hot air balloon ornaments and they were half off. I bought them all. I think I will tie them to some pretty rope and make a garland.  I also have had a connection to hot air balloons. I have one on my wall in front of my desk which is pretty with ornament and pompoms.
Hot air balloons can symbolize uplifting spirit, the love of flight ,a quest for spiritual knowledge and rising above practical matters- letting go of fear and caution.

Our weather is confused. We've had high temps reaching 80 and then this morning it was 25. We've had our air conditioner on and now our heater. 

Have yall watched the Netflix series Tidying up by Marie Kondo? She has also written books and some friends said that the books make more sense then to just watch the episodes.  I watched the series and got the main gist of things.  So I have been trying to clear out some unwanted things and trying to keep things that spark joy for me. I managed to get through one side of my closet last night and I have large bag for goodwill and a bag for a friend who wanted to be my recipient of hand me downs. 

I am so happy that we don't have a ton of things planned this weekend and I can take it easy around the house. What do yall have planned?  Sorry for the poopy post but this is as good as it gets today!

I will end on this note- I WAS able to get my concert tickets! Not the same ones and theyre on opposite side of stadium but I got them and I am excited.  Two of my fave bands Live and Shinedown among a few others will be performing there too. 

Meant for me

Hey there, hope everyone had a great weekend. As mentioned last week, I knew this weekend would be hard and emotional and it was. I want to share something very special though that happened to me on Friday. I was working from home in my messy office and I was trying to clear some things that I knew had a place to go other than on top of the bed. My office bed is the Catch all for everything if I go shopping, thrifting, or crafting. It looked like a tornado hit my room during the holidays.
I had bought a leather bound journal a few months ago from either a thrift store or a garage sale. I don't remember where I got it. I do remember flipping through it to see if there were a lot of pages already used. I also clearly remember flipping through a few other times to just make sure I didn't miss anything and thinking to myself- this is brand new /never used.
So fast forward a few months, this journal has been laying on my bed under many layers of Christmas and Halloween stuff, etc.  On Friday afternoon, I picked up the journal and untied the leather piece and opened it from the beginning of the book. That's where I saw only one page written in it , from front to back and it was dated June 29, 2011.  I read the journal entry and began sobbing afterwards.
It appears to be written by a young boy who has also lost their father.
First of all, had I seen the entry first at garage sale or thrift store, I would have totally still bought it on the spot because it would have spoke to me!
I just really genuinely BELIEVE that it was meant for me to read at that random hour alone in my office while I was grieving the loss and anniversary of my Dad's death.  I didn't feel so alone . I know that so many have lost loved ones . My mind was blown to come across this during this time and it was so special.  I like to think that Dad had a hand in this and it was his way of reaching out to me...

I am better today. In fact, Saturday night after mass with stepmom, we went to have dinner at restaurant where I had not been back to since Dad passed. I had only been twice and each time was with his him so it was just hard to go into.  Now that I broke the ice, we can go again .  Thank you for the sweet comments and support. 

Celebration of Life for Dad and a Regift

Good morning yall!  Last week was a tough week. I cried everyday and my eyes stayed swollen until this past Monday.  Last Thursday was the day my dad passed away a year ago.  I worked from home so that i didnt have to put on makeup and see anyone.  I cried pretty hard at moments.  I have to share something special with you though.
I sometimes hide precious things that mean a lot to me. My fear is if my house is ever robbed, i dont want them to find everything in my main jewelry box. Does anyone else have irrational thoughts and behaviors like that? ( I was robbed back in high school so there's a story behind my thoughts. I'll save that for another post).  I thought I had lost an amethyst pendant along with my senior class ring from high school. Its been at least 2 years since i had thought i lost them.   While working in my home office ( it's messy) on Thursday , I came across an old wooden jewelry box and of all things to found was that pendant ( along with class ring) Daddy had bought that necklace and matching earrings for me when I was in high school or early college. It was my very first set of "real grown up stones". It was funny because he got my birthstone mixed up with my grandmas. Mimi's birthday is February 17 and mine is May 17.  I can still remember the look on his face as i was opening my gift. He had his big goofy smile and his eyes were twinkling. He was as excited to give me the gift as i was receiving it. Daddy said to me " its your birthstone right? and i replied No Daddy, its even better, its Purple"!  My birthstone is emerald but i think all girls love pink and purple when they're young.   I still have the earrings and i had lost the pendant a few years ago or so i thought.  I can't help but think that was a sign from Daddy for me to find something so special that came from him on the very day i was grieving for him on his death anniversary.   I had shared this story on Facebook that day and one of my friends mentioned that he Regifted it to me. It made me smile and i needed that!  Oh and  I'm wearing my necklace right now with the pendant.

Saturday was the day of dad's party that i was not looking forward to. Quite honestly, i just wanted to put it behind me.  Funny thing is that so many of my family members and friends felt the same way. I ended up having a really nice day. It was emotional yes but it was shared with loved ones. We released 66 balloons ( Mimi had a special larger white one) and we  all read a prayer that Deb had printed out on little cards.  Then we just relaxed and shared stories about Daddy.  There are soooo many stories! Dad was one of a kind and so funny.  My stepbrother got a huge fire going outside in the fire pit and had tons of food and drink. Some of my closest friends came which meant so much to me.  My grandma Mimi was very emotional when she first arrived. She couldnt stop crying and even said she shouldnt have come.  I hugged her and told her that its good to cry on each other's shoulders. She also had a good time and was glad she came after all.   Mimi lost her only sister (aunt Edith) last month a few days after Christmas. In fact her funeral is this weekend.  I was not very close to my great aunt but i'm going for support to Mimi.

I think i've mentioned before how much i hate January right!!

Winner of the battle-BOTB -Careless Whisper

Hey everyone- thanks so much for your stopping by and voting for this battle between Seether and Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright.  The winner of the battle is Seether 7-3.  I still have never voted for any of my own battles but if I did , it also would have gone to Seether. I just really love their music and it was fun to include one of my favorite bands in a battle.   In my opinion, Ben Folds would have received more votes if he would have left Rufus out of that song.  I don't doubt that Rufus is a wonderful singer and performer but that exact live performance wasn't strong.

I'm pretty sure I've posted this song before but here's another Seether song that I like.  Words as Weapons:

I've hit the ground running at work. I was out all last week and now I have a few projects and training that have to be done this week and next few weeks. I love it! I love staying this busy and I love actually training classes.  The busy schedule keeps my in check and I don't have much time to cry.  If I do cry its usually in the car on way to work and maybe a few minutes now.  Yall that's an improvement.  I've had my 4th counseling session this week and I only have 2 left that are provided from EAP.  I can tell you that I am glad I made the call and scheduled these.  I've been with my company for 20 years and not once used EAP and didn't even know what it was.  I'm grateful to have resources when I finally realized and admitted I needed them.
I do believe that 2016 will be a better year for me.  Monday was a year that my sweet amazing stepdad passed away.  This time last year I was preparing for his funeral.  I miss him a lot! Its tough also with Daddy being sick again.  Ok I am not going there now sooooo have a great day.

Another one gone

So if you were a fan of the band Stone Temple Pilots (STP) , Velvet Revolver, or recently the Wildabouts, then you've heard that the lead singer Scott Weiland died just a few days ago on December 3.   Scott had just recently turned 48 in October.  He's only 5 months older than me.  Unfortunately he had such a tumultuous past and struggles with drugs that his death came as no surprise.  When I first read the news, I think either on Facebook or Twitter, surprise or shock was not the word but just huge sadness.  His wife swears that he had been clean and sober and that's not what killed him.  He died from cardiac arrest.  I read that his brother actually died a few years ago at age of 40 due to heart attack.  Whether he had taken drugs the night of his death or not, ultimately its what weakened his heart and still caused the damage. 
STP was in my constant collection in the 90's and early 2000's then he left the band and joined Velvet Revolver . I LOVED Velvet Revolver.  I played their CD's nonstop and knew every song from beginning to end.   Scott was with VR from 2003 to 2008.  He went back to STP for a few more years when he left in 2013 ( got fired) and started the Wildabouts.  He even did a Christmas CD a few years ago and I bought it on iTunes. Its not the best but its not the worst. haha!
Stone Temple Pilots has huge hits like Creep, Plush, Sex type Thing, Vasoline, Interstate Love Song,and  Big Empty.  I guarantee you know the songs even if you're not familiar with the titles. 
Scott was married 3 times and his last wife had only been with him the last 4 years.  He has 2 kids.
He was crazy talented and I saw many interviews he did over the years and he idolized David Bowie. Scott liked David's fashion and his creativity.
I know this sounds crazy but I have felt pretty sad about his passing.  I guess it would be different if he was the lead singer of a band that I wasn't very familiar with.  I just happened to really follow the works of Scott Weiland and loved his voice.   The good news is that he is no longer dealing with his demons anymore. He died in his sleep on his tour bus in Minnesota.  A pretty peaceful way to do if you ask me. Just sucks that he wasn't with his family. 
Here are a few of my favorites. Its hard to choose from so many though.
This is Fall to Pieces with Velvet Revolver.  His songs he wrote was from his many times in rehab and getting clean.  Lots of his struggles are in his songs.  You can totally tell that Slash is the lead guitarist in this band.  Duff is also in the band and he and Slash were both in Guns n Roses.

 

Here's a song called Sour Girl. The actress Sarah Michelle Gellar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is in the official video but I couldn't find it.

This is Plush

 

 

So.  In other news, i'm trying to get in spirit and decorate the house for Christmas.  I am barely skimming the surface from what I do for Halloween and what I did for Christmas last year.  I'm into it but then i'm not.  I just do a little every night after work.   Have a great week!!

A little HodgePodge today

1.       The best part of waking up is____taking my sweet puppy out to the backyard and both of us stretching and  shaking the cobwebs out. How many of you sung the jingle to Folgers when you read the question?  Cant help it!

     
2.  Given a choice, which animal interaction would you most like to experience (or for those non-adventurers...which would you dislike the least?)- Swim with the dolphins at one of several locations in the Florida Keys, a lion encounter ten minutes from Victoria Falls (Africa), or a day at a remote base camp high in the Big Sur wilderness via the Ventana Wildlife Society helping track California condors?

It’s a toss between the dolphins and the lions. I really would love to do both.  Florida is easier to get to though so I may end up doing that before the lion encounter in Africa.  The condors being the least but I would take ANY excuse to get to California.

3. What is something you fear about 'old age'? What is something you look forward to? I look forward to the AARP and senior discounts in restaurants and retail shops.  I look forward to the day I’m retired and I can sit still and look back on how long and hard I’ve worked.  I fear dying alone and being too sick to take care of myself.  I don’t want to live with Alzheimer’s or a crippling disease that would put me in a position to burden someone else. I cant even think about it without getting very sad. 

4. Hot sauce...are you a fan? If you answered yes, what's something you make/eat that must have hot sauce? On a scale of 1-10 how hot is too hot? I love a good mild to medium sauce that has great flavor. I am not a fan of it being too hot.  I am very fortunate and biased of living in Dallas with the best salsas around.  I love chips and hot sauce and can eat it every week. 

5. It's been said that children learn what they live. What do you think children learn at your house? I don’t have kids of my own. I have 2 stepkids that are both teenagers and they don’t come over often anymore. I did babysit last weekend and the boys didn’t want to leave. I would hope they know that they can have fun and be safe at my house while at the same time abide by rules.

6. What's your favorite movie with a number in it's title? Hmmm, for teenage campy I loved Sixteen Candles, for a scary creeper I liked Seven and old cheesy would be Three Amigos.

7. Saturday (August 16th) is National Tell a Joke Day...share one here.   Here is a wine joke: Father O'Reilly was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'
'Only water', replied Father O'Reilly.
The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'
The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'


8.  Insert your own random thought here.   So last night we all got the news that Lauren Bacall died at the age of 89.  I had always heard death happens in 3’s.  Do you believe that?