Sad sad January

So I have a confession, I kinda really hate January.  Its only been a few years since I've felt this way but I do.  Four years ago, on January 4 2015, I got the sad call you don't want to receive with news that my stepdad Don had passed away.  We had his funeral on January 10 in little town he grew up in West Texas.  Don was seriously the most amazing stepdad a girl could have asked for and it was a huge loss to me and even more so for my baby brother. They had the most incredible father/son relationship.
Then , a year later after losing Don, I lost my Dad.   Daddy went into the hospital on January 10 and was told he wouldn't be leaving the hospital.  He passed on the 12th.  I've not been the same since. I wont go into too much detail for one , I am at work and cant sob uncontrollably right now.  Basically, though I sunk into a deep depression and head in a hole for almost the whole year so that after counseling and climbing out of the hole, I had to face it again once the numbness wore off.   I've been able to get stronger little by little as time passes but on some days, its like a bandaid was ripped off and my skin came off with it.
I am on Facebook and one thing I love about Facebook is the memories and one thing I hate is the memories. They GUT me during this month. In fact, I wasn't even thinking when I accidentally remembered to look at the FB memories from today in past years. One was the day of funeral and the other was day I got news that Daddy wasn't going to make it.

I'm trying very hard to breathe and to realize that today is a different day and I need to break pattern of utter sadness . 

This Saturday is the 12th. My stepmom is avid Catholic and has a mass dedicated to Daddy on this day. I'll be joining her and we had discussed going to lunch or dinner to one of his fave places.  Last year, I worked from home and then went to bed as soon as I could log out. 

In a few weeks, Todd has a business conference in San Diego. I cant even join him for dinners because they're the kind of meetings where its a package deal with room , etc and meals are brought in per attendee. I used to live in San Diego when I was a kid and it's one of my happy places.  I am tagging along because I cant wait to buy a cheap beach towel, kick off my shoes and sit on Imperial Beach and journal , meditate and talk to Daddy all while waves come crashing down .  One of my friends was supposed to come down from LA to see me but she cant and Todd was worried about me being alone. He has no idea that that's what i'm counting on. I want to change my feeling about January. I want to have some peace in my heart. I cant think of a better way than to not be at work and to be in California to roam alone during the day with no agenda. 

Sorry for a depressing post but that's all I got today folks.  Have a great day and rest of your week. 

I was nominated for Music & Words award

I was nominated last week for the Music & Words award from my dear sweet blogger friend at Shady Dell Music & Memories. I am just now getting around to doing my post so here it is.  If you want to play along just do these 5 steps:

1.) Link back to the person who nominated you.
2.) Answer the questions with words AND music.
3.) Pass the award on to 5 bloggers who inspire
     you with their posts about music. Be sure to
     notify them about the award.
4.) Tag your post with #MWA for Music & Words
     Award so we can all find you down the line.
5.) Quote these 5 steps and display the award icon
     in your post and also on your sidebar if you wish

 

THE Q & A:

Q1: What does music mean to you?

Everything. I seriously would go 100% absolutely crazy without music. In fact, if there are days that I didn’t hear much music at all, I have to put my earbuds in and listen to a few songs before I go to bed.  Todd and I played the Newlywed game at a church event and we won because one of the questions was what would be the one thing Holli (me) couldn’t live without and Todd said my ipod/ipad anything with music. I had same answer and that was our winning question.  Music connects me to so much. I listen to the lyrics and I feel them.   A song transports me to every memory good or bad.  I have some friendships based off our love of music.  Music fills up empty spaces I’m missing in my heart.  Sometimes I just have to be myself and listen to music to regroup my thoughts.

 I had posted a few months ago on what my "power" song is and its No more No less by MercyMe. 

Here's the song:

Q2: What is your first music-related memory?

Its hard to pin this one down.  My dad was in a band so I remember being very very young and he and his buddies sitting around playing their guitars.  Mom also played her music loud in the car and around the house. I can remember sitting on the floor next to the record player and listening to songs for hours. I don’t remember which one was first.  A funny story though, I picked up songs quick as a child. I always sang along even if I didn’t know all the words and when I did.  My grandma Nanny worked in a very upscale high end rich rich neighborhood Safeway ( think Rodeo Dr in Beverly Hills only in Dallas its our Highland Park).  Mom and I went to pick her up one evening from work and I was maybe 3 or 4 yrs old, singing  QUITE LOUDLY  a song from Steppenwolf called The Pusher.  If you’re not familiar with lyrics – the chorus is GOD damn, The Pusher.  Nanny was horrified of course because these rich woman were gasping and shaking their heads. HAHAHA! I do remember getting a spanking and now thinking back that pisses me off . LOL.  My stepdad Don also was very very musical. He didnt play an instrument but he actually sent a recording to Nashville of a song he did.  He had more albums than anyone i knew. We loved listening to songs as a family and we would push the furniture back and dance the Texas 2step and even Cotton eyed Joe.  

 Pardon the language but here is the Pusher

Q3: What was the first album you purchased yourself?

Hmmm, again my life is been filled with one music memory after another.  My mom was 17 years old when I was born ( I was born in 68).  I grew up with 45’s and they were all rock n roll or country songs and I had my childrens record player in my room.  I never owned any childrens records.  It was pretty funny when the neighbors kids wanted to come over and play records and all I had was “real” songs.  They had childrens books that had records attached  to back of the books. Do you remember those? Anyways, my friends got to listen to funny songs like Spiders and Snakes (Jim Stafford) and You’re so Vain (Carly Simon) while I listened to their Jungle Book and Alphabet songs.  Once I was older ( 8yrs) I started getting allowance.  I saved and saved and one night my mom took me to Peaches record store. They were open all night and I bought 3 albums: KISS double platinum, a BeeGees album and Kenny Rogers album.    I grew up equally country along with rock between my parents and grandparents.

What was the latest music you purchased?

(No online streaming or free downloads,

I’m talking about cash here!)

I just bought 6 songs off Itunes last week. I bought all of them one after another at same time.  I bought a song off the TV show The Voice. It’s a cover of Explosions sung by Emily and Jonathan.  I bought 3 songs from Christian band Needtobreathe, and 2 songs by Rob Thomas  ( Hold on Forever and Pieces). Songs are 1.29 off iTunes.

Q5: Which song did you listen to last?

(No cheating, come out with the dirty pleasures!)

The last song I just listened to was Sounds of Silence by Disturbed. I posted the video a few weeks ago here and man I just cant get enough of it. They were on Conan this week and I missed the song so I found it on Youtube this morning before work and its amazing. They have an orchestra on stage with them and its so dang cool.

nominations

Since I’m a little late on this award, most all of my music bloggers have already been nominated and posted on this. I will nominate a few though because they’ve posted songs a few times on their blogs.

I nominate my friend Laura who is over at We Really Got This,   sweet friend Robin at Your Daily Dose, and Marci at Stone Cottage Adventures.   No pressure ladies- take your time , I certainly did.  LOL.

I really love this Music award blog hop,fest,post.  Anytime we can share our music memories I’m all over it.  I love reading your posts on these questions too. #mwa

Have a great day y’all!!!

Winner of the battle-BOTB -Careless Whisper

Hey everyone- thanks so much for your stopping by and voting for this battle between Seether and Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright.  The winner of the battle is Seether 7-3.  I still have never voted for any of my own battles but if I did , it also would have gone to Seether. I just really love their music and it was fun to include one of my favorite bands in a battle.   In my opinion, Ben Folds would have received more votes if he would have left Rufus out of that song.  I don't doubt that Rufus is a wonderful singer and performer but that exact live performance wasn't strong.

I'm pretty sure I've posted this song before but here's another Seether song that I like.  Words as Weapons:

I've hit the ground running at work. I was out all last week and now I have a few projects and training that have to be done this week and next few weeks. I love it! I love staying this busy and I love actually training classes.  The busy schedule keeps my in check and I don't have much time to cry.  If I do cry its usually in the car on way to work and maybe a few minutes now.  Yall that's an improvement.  I've had my 4th counseling session this week and I only have 2 left that are provided from EAP.  I can tell you that I am glad I made the call and scheduled these.  I've been with my company for 20 years and not once used EAP and didn't even know what it was.  I'm grateful to have resources when I finally realized and admitted I needed them.
I do believe that 2016 will be a better year for me.  Monday was a year that my sweet amazing stepdad passed away.  This time last year I was preparing for his funeral.  I miss him a lot! Its tough also with Daddy being sick again.  Ok I am not going there now sooooo have a great day.

My father figures i celebrate

This weekend is Father's Day weekend and we have a busy day planned this Sunday.  We will have lunch after church with Todd's family and celebrate my father in law Bob.  I won the INlaw lottery yall when I married Todd. They are the most cutest sweetest supportive inlaws a girl could ask for.  It will be a double celebration because we are also celebrating my sister n laws birthday that was this week.  We meet at the same Mexican restaurant every time and I have no problem with that at all.  The funny thing is that when I spoke to Daddy last night on what he wants to do that evening, he also wants Mexican food.  I  need to remember to take my Nexium purple pill that day!  So both Todd and I will see our dads for Fathers' Day.   Don't tell Todd but i bought him a new wedding ring since he lost his back in December. I replaced it with a ring from James Avery that i think he will like. He doesn't read this so i'm not too worried. 
The bittersweet part of this day is that its our first Father's Day without my stepdad Don. He passed this past January and I know this weekend is going to be so very tough on my baby brother.  I miss my stepdad and cant believe he's gone. He lived in Oklahoma near my brother so it sometimes just seems that he's out of town and not really gone. 
I've had a few father figures in my life and I am so blessed by every one of them.  My parents divorced when I was 4 or 5 and we lived with my grandparents off and on a lot. My grandfather Poppy was there for me everyday. Its true when I say I was his favorite.  No really I was. I loved to ride the motorcycle with him and I was his shadow. I would hang out in the garage with him for hours while he tinkered on the Harley.  That never changed when I grew up.  Poppy was my hero. I miss him more than anything and he's been gone for 17 years. I can cry right now because its still so strong of a loss.

In high school, my mom wanted to move a few cities over when I was a junior in high school. I was devastated because I was doing really well in school and I had made officer on my drill team. No way was I going to switch schools and start all over again. I had just transferred to that school my second semester of my freshman year. It just so happens that my uncle was wanting to move back to the country where we lived and he agreed to let me live with him so I didn't have to move and switch schools.  Uncle James even bought my very first prom dress for my Junior-Senior prom.  He had 3 sons  and i was like a daughter to him. We had such a great year.  I would come home from school and we would go fishing or even catch an early movie and he's a wonderful cook!! I was so grateful that he allowed me to live with him at such an important time. My mom , stepdad and brother lived less than an hour away and of course i had to check in with Mom every day and i spent most weekends with them. 

My stepdad married Mom when i was 13. He was such a loving man who loved me like i was his own. Don is my role model for my stepkids i have today with Todd.  Don taught me how to do the Texas two-step and the cotton eyed Joe.  He was so patient and laid back which was good when i was a high strung emotional teenage girl! I couldn't ask for a better stepdad in my life. He supported me and encouraged me all through high school and college and everything after. Don was always proud me becoming a career woman and focusing on my job instead of settling down. Don was the only one that didn't harass me about when i was going to get married or have kids.  I miss him so much.

Daddy and i didn't become really close until my junior year in high school.  I always would visit him for a weekend here and there and when i was in elementary school he lived in Colorado. I flew there when i was 7 and spent the whole summer with him. Dad bought me my first car which was a '72 Datsun station wagon stick shift.  I hated that car and it was always breaking down on me.  My summer after graduation i worked for Dad in his office and he would deposit my paychecks in an account and would let me have an allowance. The money saved went towards my allowance when i went to college that fall semester.  It was such a smart idea even though i didn't like not getting my whole paycheck every other week when i was working.  Then when i transferred from junior college to  a university i moved in with him. He was single at the time and lived very close to my school. We got to know each other more and got closer.  Fast forward 5 years after college, i moved to Florida and was engaged to a guy named Jack.  We only lasted 3 years and when i moved back to Texas, Daddy let me move back in with him until i got on my feet.  Mom had moved to Wyoming when i was in college.   The rest is history as they say. I've always lived pretty close to Dad and we have a great relationship.  I couldn't even accept the possibility of losing him when he was so ill with his lung disease. The transplant has been the best thing in our lives!!

The songs i posted remind me of certain times or memories of my father figures in my life.  I hope you have a great weekend and Happy Fathers Day y'all!!!

Wednesday Hodgepodge

I haven't linked up lately with Joyce on her weekly Hodgepodge.  So today was a good day to do that.

1. What's a phrase your mother often said to you? If you're a parent, is this something you now say to your own children?

I love you no matter what! My Mom was the “wild child” out of the (one older sister and a younger brother).  No matter how crazy she got, my grandparents always showed her love. Mom did the same with me and my brother. She said we would make mistakes along the way but to stand behind our decisions and she loves us no matter.  I don’t have children of my own but I do have 2 stepkids. I hope they know that I love them and support them no matter what.

2. What is a scent you associate with your mother or your childhood home?

Lasagna.  Mom wasn’t a baker when I was growing up. She is now which is so funny.  Mom makes the most amazing Lasagna and Spaghetti. She would make the sauce the night before and it made the house smell so good. Garlic meat sauce.  Yum!!

3. What's an activity you remember always doing with your mother (or someone who was a mother figure in your life)?  Everything but sewing and cooking. LOL.  My mom was really young when she had me. I went everywhere with her.  She never has sewn and when she cooked, I usually just stayed out of the kitchen.  A fond memory with mom though is her reading to me. She and my grandma used to always read to me and I knew my alphabet and could read by first grade.  That’s a passion we all three share today.  We swap books all the time. 

 

4. Flared jeans, maxi dresses, and jumpsuits are 70's fashion trends back this spring. Are you on board? Which trend would you be most inclined to try? For the men...flared corduroys, wide-collared shirts, and floral prints...what say you?  I love love love maxi dresses!!   I do have pair of bootcut flared jeans to wear also but they’re not crazy flared. I wear them when I ride the Harley with my boots.   No to all the men’s options above.

5. May 6th is Teacher Appreciation Day and also Nurse Appreciation Day. Is there a nurse or teacher  you have especially appreciated along the way? Tell us why?

One of my closest friends  “T” is a nurse.  We used to be waitresses together in college and I am so proud of her and all she’s accomplished. She is a head Trauma RN and is very respected in a huge Dallas hospital here. I used to help her study every week for her tests.   I remember when she lived in a garage efficiency apartment barely scraping by to go to Nursing school and now she owns a home and is doing so well. I love her to pieces and she has a heart of gold and compassion. 

6. If I came by your house, what would I find on your frig door?  Shredded parmesan cheese, bottled waters , milk and yogurt. We always have milk  to have cereal and Todd eats yogurt.  We eat a lot of pasta and sometimes just throw butter and parmesan on the pasta.  Hmmm, we really need to go grocery shopping.

7. Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana made her royal entrance on Saturday, May 2nd. On a scale of 1-10, how much attention did you give to all the news coverage? 1=Who's Charlotte? 10=sat glued to the telly, cuppa in hand.  Not much.  I am happy for the royal family and the baby is adorable but it didn’t interfere with my weekend.

8.  Insert your own random thought here.

Today would have been my stepdad Don’s 79 birthday.  I miss him so much!  I was so blessed to have him in my life and I still am so sad for my baby brother.  As hard as this for me, its 90% harder for him. They were so close.  We lost him in January of this year.   As I’ve mentioned before, I also wish Mother’s Day would just go by quietly.   Not a fan!!

 

My goodbye to a great man

Last Sunday a week ago, we got the news that my stepdad Don had passed away. He was my little brother Jeremy's dad.  All last week was pretty tough and emotional.  We had a sweet service for him this past Saturday in Breckenridge, Texas where he grew up.
I was one of the speakers and this is what I said:

34 years ago, Don came into my life when I was 13 years old.  Not a good age for either one of us. But because he was DON and so laid back- he was the perfect person to be in my life.  He said “ Baby – you don’t have to like me , we don’t have to be friends, you just need to mind your momma and respect me in my own home”.    With arms crossed and rolling my eyes, I secretly knew I was going to like him A LOT!! .  I was always HolliAnn to him. Jeremy was always the Boy.

I looked forward to our Friday night music nights.  He had hundreds of albums – rock and mostly country.  We would take turns getting to listen to any song we wanted (Jeremy had his own Dukes of hazard album and so we listened to the whole thing ). We would push back all the furniture and he taught me to Texas two –step and Cotton eyed Joe.  At first, I was staying with my cousin during the week finishing up my school year  and he made me a cassette tape of songs that I liked to listen to on my tape recorder. It gave me comfort every night and I would play it every night.  Silly songs that I cant think of but didn’t get radio play. They come from the B sides of albums. And cassettes- Oh the hundreds of mixed tape cassettes.   

Don’s love for music was what connected us and a little known fact that some of yall may or may not know-Don recorded a single and sent to Nashville.  His style of music included a lot of Waylon Jennings, hank Jr, merle haggard, Conway, and other classics. .    Don took mom and I to Billy Bobs to see Waylon and his wife Jessi Colter in 1986. We had so much fun. 

Don was a driver for several of his years on the Fire department and he always drove fast like going to a fire.  We did lots of fun family things like the end of Chisholm trail party in stockyards, fire vs police hose offs, etc.

When I was in college and we were stranded due to ice days, he wouldn't hesitate to go get my friend or to drop me off.   He’s the parent that was stuck with me during my driving lesson days in Wal-Mart parking lot.

Don was a smoker for most all of his life, and like water off a duck- he didn’t think twice about the fact that he fell asleep with cigarette and the bed caught on fire and the Irving  fire department had to come to his house to put out the fire.

When they moved to Wyoming while I was in college, I spent my holiday break with them.   Their first year, Don and I rented a snow mobile and went up a mountain to chop down our Christmas tree. Mom stayed at the lodge with Jeremy.  We were zipping right along and I was sitting  behind him when we went off the path and turned over. We had been going so fast, it took a minute for us both to realize we were on our sides and not moving anymore.  I laugh so much still thinking about that time. 

Don would be our calming voice.  He was sometimes too laid back and you would get aggravated that he wasn’t as upset as he should be or that you wanted him to be. He was the peace maker and my ally when I had typical teenage girl angst with my mom. Every Thursday we were supposed to check in with each other, and many times Don would be the one to call me and tell me that he loved me and to just focus on my school work and my dances.  I had dance scholarship in college and he was so proud when I was dancing in Macy’s parade– he told everyone.  I  know that he loved me and was proud of me.  As Sarah mentioned,  the love between Don and Jeremy is immeasurable. I am so Blessed to have witnessed the love of them together and that he raised my brother to be the kind loving man he is today like Don was. 

I’m married now and have 2 stepkids of my own-  My lesson to them-  You don’t have to like me, we don’t have to be friends- just respect me in my own home and mind your daddy.    I had an amazing role model and I pray that I continue his legacy of unconditional love. 

 

 

The chaplain for Irving Fire Department and a color guard member from Irving Fire Department both who served and worked with Don came to the service . They did the traditional salute and gave a flag to my brother. All the kids were also presented with a special coin that represents "once a firefighter- always a firefighter" . It was such an honor to receive it. 

There are going to be songs I hear, times I remember Don  that will make me sad but it was also a part of the closure process to have the service.  Don's wishes were to be cremated and Jeremy is going to spread his ashes in some of their favorite spots in Wyoming this summer. I absolutely love that plan for them!  Rest in peace my sweet sweet stepdad. I love you so much. 

Stopped at Walmart to use restroom and saw Jeremy who had same idea.

 

So I pray that this week is a little better than last. 

 

New Years well wishes and quotes

If you are on social media such as Instagram and Facebook, you couldn't help but see the numerous well wishes for New Years. I shared many of them myself.  Here are a few of my favorites and I certainly wish the best for everyone. 

This last one is more of a resolution but I liked it.  

My stepdads funeral is this Saturday and I'm going to be a speaker.  How funny is it that I'm a corporate trainer and speak to people and strangers everyday, yet now I'm so nervous.  Mostly, because it's so heartfelt and I loved Don so much. I would appreciate prayers for strength and clarity in my words.  

Thanks yall! Holli 

Year in review 2014

Hey my sweet blogger friends. Happy New Year to you.  My blogging has taken the backseat lately because life has been hectic.  I'm not off to a good start this year in that my stepdad Don passed away yesterday. My family is struggling and grieving right now.  I will write a post about Don soon. Until then, I am joining in on the year in review that is hosted by Nicole at Three 31.

What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before? Gone to Sturgis with my husband

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions? Will you make more in 2015? Didn’t make any for last year or this year

Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, a few friends from church and my cousins wife

Did anyone close to you die? Yes, I lost a coworker friend Chuck

What countries did you visit? Never left the US in 2014

What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014? Better health

What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory? 8-31-14- Celebrated one year wedding anniversary.  Feb 14, My mom went into hospital unconscious for a few days, July 21 celebrated Dad’s lung transplant year anniversary

What was your biggest achievement of the year? I celebrated 19^th year anniversary at work

What was your biggest failure? Not writing the letters I wanted to my loved ones

Did you suffer illness or injury? Same story every year- my back goes out and then hurts for weeks. I didn’t get too sick in 2014 but had more migraines than normal

What was the best thing you bought? Technically I bought my newest dog when I adopted her in October

Whose behavior merited celebration? Not sure about this

Where did most of your money go? Vacation to Sturgis and Montana

What did you get really excited about? My visit to Mom in Montana

What song will always remind you of 2014? Stay with me, All of me, Happy and All about that bass – those are the ones for me that will remind me of 2014

Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Sadder. My stepdad passed away this past weekend ( Jan.4) so not good start to my year

Thinner or fatter?  Unfortunately I’m a whole size larger.

Richer or poorer? Poorer. My company changed pay structure to once a month.

What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I was more active for my health

What do you wish you’d done less of? Worrying and stressing over things I cant control

How did you spend Christmas?  Christmas Eve day was with Todd’s family, Christmas Eve Pm was at church, and Christmas Day was with my Dad, stepmom Deb, stepbrother Draeger and his girlfriend Susie, my husband Todd and some good friends Darryl and Mickie

Did you fall in love in 2014? More in love with my husband

How many one-night stands? NA

Who were your best friends? T, Diana, Kimi, my cousin Jadona, and Wendy

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others? I volunteered more than I have in one year in 2014- I clothed the needy, fed the homeless, worked at kids toy program and helped organize it

What were your favorite TV shows? American Horror Story, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy, the Voice

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I really don’t want to hate anyone but I very much dislike someone this year that has caused my husband grief

What was the best book you read in 2014? The woman I wanted to be: Diane Von Furstenberg

What was your greatest musical discovery? I would say Sam Smith. His voice is beautiful. I also discovered that I can somewhat play the guitar. I began lessons in 2014.

What did you want and get?  I adopted another dog so Jax could have playmate. We have our sweet Lila now.

What did you want but did not get? I cant think of anything that I don’t have so I must not want something too bad

What were your favorite films this year? I only saw a few movies last year but I did like the last Hobbit movie I saw over Christmas

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 46 and I had a party at Strokers. It was supposed to be at Club Schmitz but we couldn’t get in because they closed a few weeks later

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Probably more peace with Todd’s job. He worked crazy hours and didn’t come home sometimes and it was stressful

What kept you sane? Venting to my friends, holding my dogs and reading

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Charlie Hunnam. He was the lead on SOA and 2014 was the shows final season.

What political issue stirred you the most? The Ferguson protests and the police assassination.

Who do you miss?  We lost Robin Williams in 2014 and that was a huge loss to the celebrity world. I will miss his humor.

Who are the best new persons you met this year? I met a blogger in person that I really enjoyed – Kathie at Hillbilly Debutante and I made new friend with someone from church and her same in Sherry. I even went to her wedding last month.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.  Don’t think about it do it. I have best intentions and good ideas and then I put it off and sometimes its too late.

Quote that sums up the year:  Life is simple, its just not easy