Into March

February is gone and I don't miss it at all.  February 25 was the one year anniversary of my grandma passing and 23 years that my grandpa died.  I miss Nanny so much!! I posted about her often . She raised me more than my mom did. She was my world.  I never really had time to grieve her passing when my marriage fell apart and took over my feelings.
I have been doing OK trying to stay busy and get back into a "normal" routine.  Then the last 2 weeks, the dark cloud came back and I was severely depressed. Had another anxiety attack last week that was awful.  Sucks so bad yall!! I hate it.  I'm OK today.  I have more good days than bad.
I have been super busy at work which makes me so happy to stay busy and times goes quickly.
I early voted last week, went to Ash Wednesday with some friends and even donated blood at our Blood drive we had at work.
Home ownership is still so fun (ugh). I have rats and/or squirrels in my attic so I had to have an exterminator come by last Friday and plug up any holes they saw and left some traps in the attic.  They really only come in when we have the cold snaps and we had some low temps last week. They brought their friends and I could hear them running all above my head in master bedroom.
My pool is still broke and its a process to try to pinpoint where the leak is.  Its also a very expensive process.  Joy to the World!!
So something I did that was surprising even to me, I went to a gym last week with a friend. HAHA! I had not stepped into a gym in over 8 years.  I got stuck on one of the machines which is hysterical because I didn't know where there was a latch to release the machine to work out your legs. My friend took a picture of me while I was stuck before she helped me get out of it.  I deleted the picture or I would have shared with yall.  I need to get into shape. For so many reasons. Health primarily but now that i'm single again in my 50's- I cant be a fat blob anymore.  I have dozens of gyms around me so I just need to find the one that fits my budget and I feel comfortable in.
I'm still having lots of issues with Blogger.  I still cant reply to your comments which make me so sad because I read all of them. I also cant comment when I visit your blogs.  I feel like a stalker because I see you but I cant reply.  LOL!!  Just please be patient because I've got to get it figured out.

So here is one of my favorite songs on radio right now .  Its a cover song by Five Finger Death punch featuring Kenny Wayne shepherd and Brian May from Queen and Brantly Gilbert who's a country artist.  Its So good!!

Debbie

So last week ( Wednesday)  I had another funeral. This time it was a member of my family.  I lost my Aunt Debbie.  She passed very unexpectedly and a day before her 72 birthday.  She leaves behind my 3 cousins and their kids as well as her husband.  I have so so many fun and awesome memories with her. Growing up she was my favorite aunt because I spent a lot of time at her house. My cousin is only 10 months younger than me so we pretty much grew up together.  Unfortunately over the years, we didn’t see eye to eye on so many things and we were estranged.  I can tell you that it’s a very weird and strange feeling to lose someone that you once were So close to and then not.  I grieve and miss the aunt I had with the fond memories I have.  I hurt for my cousins that lost their mom.   My cousins daughters were very very close to their grandmother and my heart goes out to them .   I am at 3 funerals this year and still only in February. 

The only good part of funerals is seeing your family and one of my cousins lives in London. He just flew home today but obviously we don’t get to see him often and I love every minute I can spend with him.  I got to have dinner with him and family last night and I’ll take what I can get.
Friday is Valentines so of course i'm not looking forward to that AT ALL!! Still going thru many "firsts" as a divorced woman.   Joy to the World!!

Rise above this

Hey there internet friends!  I have posted songs a few times by the group Seether.  Here lately , I’ve been listening to them every day. I was looking up some stuff about them on Wikipedia that lead me down a rabbit hole and discovered the meaning of the song Rise Above This.   The lead singer’s name is Shaun and he has a sister Lucy and  had a younger brother Eugene.  Shaun wrote the song for his brother to help him get out of a depression.  Unfortunately, in 2007, his brother jumped from an 8^th floor window of a hotel that the band was staying at in South Dakota and died.   In 2008, the band made a music video for MTV2 and during the filming, they had to have several takes because Shaun couldn’t stop himself from sobbing. The video portrays a boy who is leaping off a building and when he does, his family all falls down right where they are.  In video, they eventually bounce back up and has Suicide Hotline at the end. 

After learning about this I can totally tell that Shaun’s been crying on the video and it breaks my heart.

This song is on one of their earlier albums from 2007 named Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces.

I know this post is a little depressing but I also like learning about real facts and meaning of songs. I have suffered from a lot of depression lately and I listen to this song a lot.  Thought you may find it interesting too . They write the majority of their songs even though many years ago they did cover the song Careless Whisper by George Michaels and it did very well. 

Their last album was released in 2017 and I really wish they would release a new one.  I saw them in concert last May and so glad I did.

A few bumps

Hey there Blogger peeps!  I didn't realize its been 13 days since my last post until today.  So January has been a sad one for me but i'm hanging in there. I had 2 funerals back to back on December 28 and January 4th, and yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my Dad's passing. Three sad weekends in a row but January isn't over yet. I still have time to have a happy day!  Yesterday I sat on the couch and had a full on Pity party for myself. I ate spaghetti and garlic bread and watched You on Netflix.
We lost an amazing young man from my church (Chad) who was an assistant pastor for us. He died 2 weeks before his 40th birthday from cancer.  He left behind a wife and 3 kids. Chad was a vibrant beautiful soul and it sucks!   His was the first funeral.  My dear friend Shari lost her mom that same week. She was in her 80's and was so sweet. I loved her dearly. She also passed from Stage 4 cancer but hers was very sudden. She didn't know she had cancer until 2 weeks before she passed.  Chad on the other hand battled cancer for 3 years with tons of surgeries, radiation and chemo.
I was dreading this past weekend with Dad's anniversary so I  drove to the beach 4.5 hours away for a few days.  I had not left Dallas and really went anywhere since June when my life imploded around me. I knew that seeing the waves would be comforting and  it was.  I drove to Galveston on Friday and came back early Sunday morning.  I did a lot of crying but it was healing.  I may have to do that more often.  There are beaches in Texas that I haven't been to in ages or ever at all and I should make it a goal to visit some.
All in all, the new year has been a doozy but i'm hanging on.  I still cry everyday yall and I am shocked that the well hasn't dried up yet.  I guess its still part of the process.  I made some dear friends from my DivorceCare class and we try to get together often. I'm so happy I met them.  To have a group going thru same emotions is great. Kinda the whole Misery loves company idea but we build each other up.
My pool is still a scary green swamp and its stressing me out. I have someone coming this Friday to do a pool leak check. Fingers crossed its not serious.  My gut feeling though has been really been nawing at me.
Hope all of you have been having a good year so far.  Talk to you soon.

2019 into 2020

I am waiting patiently for this day to be over because it marks the hardest year of my life to be behind me!  I wish all of you the Happiest New Year !!! Sending so much love and friendship your way . Cheers to 2020 being an awesome year for all of us.  I do hope to blog more to stay in touch with all of you amazing people.  I cant thank you enough for your encouraging words and support you've shown me . It quite literally saved my life at times when I couldn't breathe and barely lift my head.  I am slowly rising from the ashes and have support from friends and family to thank for that!!

Tis the Season

Hey everyone! First I want to let you guys know that for whatever reason, I cant comment in reply to yours. I've tried and tried and I don't understand what changed but it wont let me. I am so sorry because I genuinely read all your comments and appreciate them more than you know. I'll get it figured out!!
I've been really busy lately which is nice. I had 2 cookie exchange parties back to back Sunday's.  I'm definitely going to have to wear stretchy pants after the holidays.  Today was our work department potluck which is always fun. We always do white elephant game and I ended up with a Beanless Bag chair.  So random and not sure what to do with it. LOL

Its crazy that Christmas is next week. I definitely want it to go by quickly.  I'm ready for 2019 to be over!
I am off work after today until next Thursday so I wont be near my laptop.
I dont have any plans except going to mass with my stepmom on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas everyone!! I genuinely wish you all the best during this holiday and I am so grateful for your support you've given me these last few months.

Thanksgiving recap

Hello there. Yep its been a couple weeks since I posted last. I did have good intentions.  The holidays are seeming to be pretty rough so I’m just dealing with  a lot.  Thanksgiving was hard. I spent a few hours with family and then went home because I wasn’t good company. I did end up going to Walmart later that evening with a friend. We went after the huge rush and it was still a mad house. I will admit they had some great deals. I saw they had a small Tv for only 100$ on their flyer and of course those sold out fast. That would have been a good buy but I take it as a sign that I didn’t need one anyway. HAHA!   I did end up buying a new Hoover vacuum cleaner that has attachments for corners, etc.  I currently don’t have anything like that so I was happy with my purchase.  I also bought a Otter protective phone case. It was on sale for 20$ which normally sells for 40 $ or higher. I do drop my phone a lot and it already has quite a few cracks on the screen so any help I can get!

Did anyone else get Black Friday specials?  I bought a flash drive to get pictures off my phone on Cyber Monday but I didn’t get anything else. I don’t need anything else and I’m also trying to downsize stuff out of my house and garage.   I have someone coming over tonight to look thru my 10 Christmas tubs I’m selling.  I have TOO much stuff! I had a lot for inventory to sell in my winter junk show but I didn’t participate this year so its all got to go.   Cross your fingers they buy a Lot.  

Here is a random statement- I find a new drink I really like at Starbucks.  LOL!  A vanilla chai tea latte.   Its so good and its nice to have something different now.  Not that I go very often at all now. Cant afford it.  I used to go at least once a week during work days and every Sunday before church.  Now its maybe once a month.  That’s Ok- I drink a lot more coffee at home with my flavored creamers so all is good.  I also have been drinking my coffee only with creamer and no more splenda’s or sugars.   That’s a big change for me believe it or not.  Maybe in another 10 years I’ll graduate to just black coffee  but I’m not there yet.  

Another random thought, my friend bought me a dog DNA test for Lila for Christmas and I’m so excited!! I rescued her 5 years ago from death row at the pound and she was labeled as a chihuahua mix. I want to know the mix side.   

I hope you’re all having a good week.  I’ll be back soon!

Out and About

I've been leaving my house more. I went to the Blue October concert last month which was my first time to be out on a Saturday night since June.   Two weeks ago  I went to the movies with my cousin and saw Dr. Sleep  the sequel to The Shining. Last Sunday I went with roommate and saw The Joker .  Have you see The Joker? I really liked it. Its very dark and intense but so well done!  I normally only saw one or 2 movies at a theater a year. I think I just broke my record going 2 weeks in a row.
Last Saturday I went out with 2 other couples from church and went to see an AC/DC band called Back in Black.  They are so good and I had so much fun. It was my second time to really be out on a Saturday night at a bar venue with friends and I even had 2 margaritas.  Music is always a good way to get me out of house!!  I feel like I had 2 hours of the "old me" again smiling and dancing with my friends.  Then Sunday- BAM back to being sad and emotional.  SIGH.
I am truly dreading the holidays and will look forward to 2019 being over.  I've still had so many things go wrong lately around the house, my dogs, etc.  It just never ends.  I do still plan on making my hashbrown casserole that I do every year for Thanksgiving and I'm joining my cousin and her family.  I bought a new Christmas tree today.  It's 7 ft tall, prelit and its white.  I wanted to do something very different than I've done before.  A white tree is a good start. LOL.  I may put it up this weekend.
Is anyone traveling this next week and how far?  If I don't post next week, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Zach Williams is one of my favorite Christian singers. I've posted him before with Fear is a Liar.
Here is a song that he did with Dolly Parton.  I love it!
There was Jesus:

Halloween blues and broken heart

Its been a month already since my last post.  I'm sorry.  My life is hectic and going in too many directions. Unfortunately, blogging is the first to go to the side.  My stye is better. I opted out of not doing the mini-surgery and having it cut out.  The Dr said it will eventually go away and it is.

My air conditioner is still acting up. Its been 2 months at least that I've been dealing with that. I had to have it completely rewired from the outside AC unit up thru my attic.  They're coming back today to fine tune it.  I'll be glad to have it fixed once and for all. 

Halloween came and went.  It is still my favorite holiday but this year was not celebrated as I normally do.  I did put up a few decorations but very little and I put up one of my Halloween trees because it was easy to get to and it stays up thru Christmas.  I did come across a 6ft wolf skeleton that I bought for 75% off which was ended up only 12$.  My friends asked me about it the next day after they saw my post on Facebook and I said my heart may be broken but i'm not dead!!  I am not going to pass up a great Halloween deal like that even though this year it wont get used. LOL .

I only got 3 groups of kids of 10 total for trick or treaters. Its my 4th Halloween at my house and its never good. Sadly, I think next year I'm not going to bother to leave the light on and hand out candy.  My neighborhood doesn't get enough kids coming thru to make it worth it. 

Ordinarily I would be prepping for my junk show which is this weekend. I just didn't have enough time to prepare as a vendor. I'll go by and show my support to my friends but it will be so strange not to be a vendor. I do want to try for the April show though.  So that's it.  Of course a lot more but I cant really talk about.  I've been very blue and my anxiety has come back.   Life is just so hard.

I'm going to try to come back more regularly.  Its not that I don't want to.  I miss my blogging friends so much!

Going thru motions

So remember that stye i mentioned, yeah so i cant make this crap up, It turned into full on cellulitis and my left side of my face swelled. Had to go to Dr and get on 2 antibiotics- one oral and one a cream directly on my eye.  A week later, i saw a specialist who then prescribed me drops that i do 4 times a day.  Its embedded in my lower left eye and i have to get it sliced out next Tuesday.  Its a joy!  Last week my AC went out 2 Sundays ago to be exact and the soonest i could have repair was last Friday.  So for 6 days it was 85 to 89 degrees inside my home.  My pool pump also broke.  There was no cooling down in the pool because in the heat with no pump it turns into full on black lagoon. To add was a tight critical deadline at work and my roommate moving in on Saturday.
I  can only laugh. I told a friend that at any time i expected the plague of locusts to come and i'm ready.  When i feel i like i'm doing somewhat ok, i have a setback or 4.  My emotions are unsteady again and that's hard.  I still have cried every single day since June 16.  I am amazed my body can still produce tears but there is endless supply.
Its October now and i am debating on decorating like i usually do. I have a few things out but i just don't know.... For those who know me understand that i look forward to October and Halloween all year long and i genuinely get depressed on November 1.  I canceled my annual HOLLIWeen party. That was hard to do but i just get do it with all i have going on.  Maybe next year.
That's all for now.  Please send prayers and juju and light and whatever is good my way.

Another hard step

I'm still in rearranging mode in my home. I'm having to still make room for my roommate and stuff is everywhere.  I need closet space and my wedding dress was in a huge box after being preserved. My sister n law came over and told her i needed to get rid of it and i didn't want to bother trying to sell it. My first choice was to donate to Angel gowns.  This is an organization that creates baby burial gowns from donated wedding and formal dresses . They're given to families who have suffered the loss of a child before, during or shortly after birth.   They actually have so many donations that there was a waiting list for them accept your donation.
My next option was the successful one. There is a shop about 40 miles from the house called We're all about the Dress.  This is straight from google:
About us

"We want to make sure every military bride and every prom lady feels like a princess when they walk out of the store."

Our Mission
To provide free prom dresses for teenagers whose parents do not have the financial resources, an provide military and fire, police and EMT brides with free wedding gowns.
The Founder
Janie Tillery-Wood founded the non-profit project "We're All About the Dress" in 2008. During their first two years of operation, they expanded their services to cover not only Birdville Independent School District but the whole State of Texas.
In 2013, after the loss of her brother, a retired U.S. Navy Seal, Janie decided to give back to the military by offering wedding dresses and accessories to military personnel of all branches.
In 2016, Janie added police and fire officers and EMT brides  to our giving in honor of their service to our communities

When we called , they said they were only taking size 12 and up and to just come straight over . If if was smaller, they couldn't accept it .  Fortunately my dress met the standards and we jumped in my truck and arrived at 3:39 and they closed at 4.    It was a very emotional drive home.  That dress represented everything wonderful to me.    I pray it makes the next person feel like a princess and bask in the beauty of the dress.  I remember the day my friends and i went wedding dress shopping. One of the most special days of my life. When i put my dress on, everyone said immediately that this was the one!!  I tried on dozens but i went back to that one.    So now its gone.   There was no reason to hold onto it.  
Please send strength.

Almost laughable

So the crutches are exhausting and I've given up. I'm wearing the ankle brace and limping but cant do the crutches. I have to go everywhere with my cushion for my tailbone.  NOW i have a HUGE stye in my left eye. Yall it hurts soooo bad. It hurts to blink . My eye is so swollen that its halfway down my face.  It feels like someone punched me and they might as well.   I am beginning to wonder if someone doesn't have a Voodoo doll of me and currently there is a pin on my ankle, tailbone, back and face.  I dare to even think whats going to be next.  So sad that just a stye can make my head hurt and feel like crap but i do. I think its from not being able to see too well from my eye half swollen.  It must be really infected.  Why do something half-ass?!
I already told my boss that if it looks and feels this way tomorrow i have to go to Dr.  Please send good healing thoughts and for a protective bubble around me.  Yall its got to get better.  I have cried every single day and now i'm wondering if my tear duct is revolting against me!!
Have a great rest of your week.  I am putting a hot paper towel as a compress on my eye at the moment.....

Cant catch a break

Hey yall, so i didn't post last week at all. I had a trillion things to get done in preparation of my estate sale all while being injured. So August 31 ( Labor Day weekend) was my wedding anniversary. I woke up crying and knew it would be a hard day.  Two of my good friends came to spend the day with me. Our plans were to go eat lunch,  buy a new TV and then tackle my house to get more organized and stuff put out for sale. We managed to eat lunch and went to Walmart and i bought a new TV ( my old one kept humming real loud and i couldn't watch anything).  We got back to the house to drop off TV and my friend Debbie was working on my pool pump and changing the timer. I was going to see her do it and as i walking stepping down the 2 concrete steps, my left foot twisted while my right foot was in air stepping down. My legs went right out from underneath and i slammed into my steps. My ankle instantly swelled to size of grapefruit and i busted my tailbone .   The only blessing to this was that my other friend that was there used to be head nurse for major hospital in Dallas in the ER for over 20 years and she's now on an elite Trauma team at a different hospital. She knew what to do immediately.  My ankle is not broke but my muscle/tendon is strained. My tailbone could be cracked but i opted out of xray because there's nothing they can do it for anyway and so why spend money i don't have.  Needless to say i lost all that day including the following day to ice my ankle and sit in recliner.  I went to lunch with friend on Monday and i'm  using crutches. I am SUPPOSED to stay off my ankle but this happened 5 days before my estate sale.  SUCKS so bad!! My tailbone hurts the worst. It hasn't improved in the slightest and i had to buy a special pillow off Amazon to use while i work.  I bought a cheap inflatable donut from Walmart and it had a leak in it so its trash.

I just tried attaching picture and i got error that it cant copy over so not sure why.  :(
My sale was for last Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I sold a lot but i have so much stuff that i still needed to sell much more. On Saturday it was 103 and just too hot for people to want to shop and dig. I totally get it but i may need to do another sale in the early spring.  All in all though, i'm happy with what i made. Everything i sold is just that less i have to box up these next few weeks.  Since my whole life fiasco started, I've had big projects to focus on. I first needed to clear out my storage with all my inventory and get it to my house. That took a few weeks to get done. Then was to focus on setting up and going thru all tubs to get ready for the sale. Now that sale is over, i have to focus on getting all the shelves and inventory out of 2 guest bedrooms for my roommate to move in end of month.  Its a lot to do but i like keeping super busy with end results.  
So that's it for now. My house is chaos and i'm slowly putting things back to where they belong and packing up the guest rooms.

Hope you're having a nice week so far.

Downsizing

I am having an estate sale next weekend - September 5,6,and 7. I've got to downsize and sell as much as i can. I need the money and i need the space. I'm selling my side business with all my vintage and antique goods.  I have to get a roommate in October and i have a friend from church that is seriously considering it which will be great.
The sale is whats kept me focused and super busy these last 10 weeks. I had to get all my inventory and stuff out of storage and in my garage and back bedroom. Then I've had to go thru all my holiday tubs to select what i'm keeping and selling. I've got tables set up in my house and stuff all over. It does look like a bomb went off in my house.
I have sooooo much to do but it has been good to keep me busy and distracted.  I am anxious to get it over so i can start putting my house back together.  I discussed with my potential roommate what my plans were if many of my things sell and luckily i can use a lot of her furniture which makes her happy.
I sure wish all of you were local. I need to sell it all and i have SOOOOO much!
So , this Saturday will be our wedding anniversary and so i am super sad and anxious for the upcoming weekend. Please say a little prayer for me.  I've gone thru some tough dark moments and i don't want to spiral down in depression again.
This past weekend, a friend of mine flew in from Chicago to visit me and we rearranged my master bedroom. We moved the bed against another wall and i bought a new comforter set for the bed. Its a cranberry purple pink color and i love it! The changes made me feel good.
When he left, he took the iron and ironing board which was not big deal because he ironed much more than i did. However it is nice to have for the occasion you DO have something to iron. I bought an iron from Walmart but i stopped at salvation army yesterday to do a dropoff of some bags i'm donating and decided to go into the shop. I found a perfect green metal ironing board that was marked 7.99 and had blue tag on it. It happened to be the week of blue tags and things were half off.  So yay for me on my 4$ ironing board! Now i just need to buy a cover and pad for it.

I miss all of you and i'm sorry i haven't been visiting your blogs. I do hope and pray for me to see light and to get to place i can breathe and visit with you.  Please don't give up on me.

One minute at a time

Stronger- Sara Evans

Oceans

This song gives me strength.  My panic/anxiety has been thru the ceiling these past 2 weeks. I'm still here, barely standing.  I will survive.

Fear

It just keeps getting worse.   I'm struggling.  I am moving through a fog - so numb.  Please please pray for me.

Still taking it day by day - sometimes by the hour

I am the fire- Halestorm

Deconstruction

Blogger is public so i cant really air too much of my dirty laundry here. As much as i would like to pour my heart out here and tell you everything that is going on, i cant. Not yet. Not until dust has settled and lawyers aren't involved.
Just please pray for me - send good juju- whatever good you believe in- i desperately need it!!
On Friday, i took apart my brooch bouquet that i walked down the aisle with.  As some of you may remember from years ago, i asked my friends and family to give me a brooch so they could all be apart of the wedding and could walk down the aisle with me , especially for those out of state that were not able to make it.
Looking at it everyday was painful. The good news is that i have all the brooches in a jar and can wear them now and use them.  It was hard to take apart but too hard to leave intact.

When I'm gone

My newest favorite song right now. A new band out of LA called Dirty Honey.
Music is my therapy right now as it always has been.....